Valerie
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De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

I'm so excited I'm going to suffocate and not sleep for nights.

A part of me is very excited to spend a day with Samuel on Tues, a part of me doesnt want that day to come. Conflict of interests which brings me to the topic this week for ethics.

And I swear to class part like crazy for the last 2 weeks in the sem.

A part of me knows that theres talent in me to be surfaced.

But when do people stop what they have on hand, and start afresh? We keep on moving with the flow, finishing things we have to finish but come to think of it, the list of duties will never finish so how do people get the time to finally do the things they wanna do?

I wanna do something. And I want to do it for real.

Why cant I be as brave as my friend, apply for a business grant, start her own online gaming portal and be an entrepreneur? I need to step out, dare to take risks, stop being just another consumer.

So this saturday, we headed to Universal Studios. I was damn excited like a kid cause I wanted to be blown away into a whole new world like how I felt at Japan's Universal Studios. Themeparks have a way of transporting you away. But I must say, Singapore's Universal Studios is really teenyweenytiny! And thats not because we didnt take many rides, but there were not many rides to begin with!

At the start of the day, there were freaking alot of people, queue like crazy for the rides and even to take photos with the mascots. Spoiler la. But we queued anyway, since we had alot of time. But the thing is the photographers with the mascots kept hurrying us, especially the one with Kungfu Panda. She didnt even count like "1,2,3!" She was just like "okay done, NEXT!" Horrible. So much for transporting us away, it just reminds me of how life is like in mainland. Oh the only super nice photographer was the one at the madagascar one, cause they need to be nice. The photos they take can be purchased at $12. So they were super friendly, going like "1,2,3 Madagascar!" Ha.

But of course, everything is not horrid there. The mascots were in their roles. Gloria the hippo was infactuated with Samuel, kicking me and my sister aside, while Puss in Boots randomly got onto his knee to 'propose' to me. He wasnt even supposed to stop for photo taking but he stopped to entertain us. Awesome.

We took some rides, watched some shows. They were all funnnn! Despite me being hum ji, I still took the rides lor. But the rides were very limited, kids were taking them too. HAHAH! The red and blue roller coaster were not open so not many adultish rides to freak me out. I didnt take the pitchblack mummy ride though. Pitchblack=claustrophobia. Plus I'm hum ji. Samuel had to take it by himself. Hhehe.

Now back to my own world, have to do work, have to go to school on a Sunday for meeting, have to chiong shit, have to come to terms that Samuel is leaving this Thurs.

IM SO PISSED. MY STUPID TA GRADED ME SO LOW FOR CLASS PART WHEN I CLASS PART ALOT MORE THAN THE OTHER LOSERS IN CLASS. AND THESE LOSERS SCORE HIGHER OR THE SAME AS ME. WTF IS THIS!?

JUSTICE!!! I WANT TO SUE HIM!

Blame the camera.

Fridays with Jean are always nice. PLUS we bought awesome new shoes today. And attempted to shop but apparently we are abit too old to browse through racks. We have nice things in our heads but when we start searching for these things, we just cant find them. Dreads. How nice if I can learn sewing quick. Like stand in a machine, click 'sewing' and the machine zap some rays into my brain then I will know how to sew already.

Toffeenut latte is love. Its Christmas at Starbucks already. And Christmas is a season where people spend more. Its a marketing gimmick and I'm totally falling for it.

Inspiration for the day. I so need a simple white dress and a canvas bag and new sneakers. I think I need to be rich next time. Screwed. Hobbies dont match ambitions.

13 more classes and I'm done! No more ponning of ANY classes. :p

Yesterday, I told Samuel that time will pass super fast cause I've got loads to do. So he happily listened and listened and then he said "but you will still be sad".

NOOOOOOOOOO.

SO CUTE. I know I shouldnt upload this till like 2 weeks later but I want Samuel to see it, so ya. :)

I'm going to GENTING! :D I hope its cold and chilly there. But honestly hor, I've had this phobia when I went there when I was a kid, I cannot understand how can so many buildings be constructed on a mountain. Wouldnt it, erh, collapse?? And isnt there less air up above? If anything happens, is there a hospital there? HAHHA! I know I'm damn paranoid.

I cant wait for DEC! :D It will be my favourite month this year.

Just before I forget to blog this before Samuel flies off (cause I know he will read this and I want to tell him some things).

Dear, I may be sad that you are leaving, but dont worry I wont die (even though I think I told you I would). I will adapt quickly and try to survive loneliness. Ha. My friends will keep my company and make sure I mug for my exams. I have alot planned these 23 days when you are away.

1. Birthday celebrations (which sometimes come with birthday present shopping)- about 7 days
2. Toy Story camp meetings and preparation- abt 5 days
3. Im sure I will go to NTU once or twice- 2 days
4. Mugging with my SMU friends- 2 days
5. Im sure I will go out and play too- 3days
6. Mugging by myself-6 days
7. Exams- 3 days

Wah see, 20+ days alr. I'll be fine. Time will pass so quickly. When you return, I will be telling you how easy the exams were and how prepared I am for camp. :)

The moment of departure will be tough, but I guess I will adapt to it quick. 23 days only. I can do it. But it sucks cause we've never been apart for so long. Sigh. Okay no, I mean ya, I cant wait for you to come back again!

WHY!! I booked the hotel for our Genting trip, then tried booking the bus ride there but then, the website always fail to load when I confirm payment for the bus ride. SO WHAT NOW? I think the payment went through already cause I confirmed my payment, but I've not received any confirmation email. The bus seats on the website shows that its unavailable already. means my booking went through? D: I'm damn frustrated, flustered and every f word.

I can only call them up tomorrow morning. How am I going to fall asleep tonight? D:

I am determined to bug them like crazy until they give me my money/ tickets back. Hate this suspense. HATE IT. I need a confirmation. I'm going crazy myself. MY MONEY. Somemore the accomodation has been confirmed already. One confirmed, one not confirmed. Makes things worse. Seriously man, why must murphy's law work now? D:

Love it when we go to new exciting places. :) Even though its totally out of the way, we still braved the haze and went all the way to Bukit Panjang. Its like 26 bus stops away from Newton, in a strange foreign place. Plus the haze, the place looks almost magical. :D

(Samuel and my dad rather say the haze makes the place look like Genting, but I think it makes the place more mysterious and more twilightish.)

I was afraid Samuel will be bored when I look at old stuff but in the end he was trapped at the books area for super long, and he even bought 2 books which were the only buys from our trip. Heh. I almost bought this antique round shades, and this camera. And now Audrey is making me regret not buying the stargirl book. But I must say for vintagey stuff, the Salvation army near potong pasir is more exciting. But for random stuff like gym equipment, paintings, toys, Praisehaven wins.

Insert Consumer Behaviour Knowledge: Its strange how reference price works its magic and to Salvation army's downfall. Like the camera is $4. But as I compare this $4 to the $1.60 that Samuel is going to pay for TWO books, I feel like I'm wasting money. But come to think of it, this $4 spent can bring me the same amount of entertainment that the 2 books can bring to Samuel. I dont even like his 2 books. HAH!

Okay Quiz on Wed. Time to mug. And I'm sooo looking forward to the Dec holidays of overseas trips!

Its been a while since we talked so deep. I guess our friendship is exclusive in a way. We know that we can count on each other and we are in the top 3 in each other's friends list. And we kinda remember each other's hp numbers. Like at least 4 numbers correct. HAHAH! Effort. And Jean touches me back. HAHAHAHH! Jean, I know you love my knee.

Man made relationships and friendships complicated. 12 friends are said to be enough to make someone feel happy. Too few and too many friends makes us depressed too. I think I'm in the safe zone now. I have about 12 friends whom I can count on and will support me as well. But is 12 friends ever enough for me? How close do I want to be with these 12 friends? What made them listed as my top 12?

Today, I've learnt that consumerism is very man made. Whoever said red dresses and white dresses mean different things?

I feel inspired looking at bridal magazines today. I will start spending my money more wisely and do more research. I have technology now and I should make use of it more effectively. I must start knowing popular designers, venues, etc. If I want something, I need to work for it.

The ulcer in my mouth is not going away. It wants to stay for good. I hate it when I have difficulties talking thanks to the ulcer. I hate it when I cant talk, and when I dont talk, I become sad cause I cant communicate to anyone, makes me slow and alone. D: My ulcer makes my lips super dry which makes my confidence super low which makes me not wanna talk too. D: I'm a wreck la.

I dont like people who bitch about XX when XX is right in front of you. Best of all, its for no reason at all. You are actually far from perfect. And you are fat, incapable and not special at all. Stop being a critic when you are just a fellow human being.

I dont like people who reads my blog, then talk to me about things in my blog, pretending they know me super well. Knowing things from my blog doesnt make you my best friend. Its like they will purposely talk about something which I blog about recently, trying to dig more stuff out. Its not because they know me so well to know how I feel from my behaviour.

Okay enough of post teenage angst, I went for a Career as a Wedding Planner talk today. And I feel like its really what I want. I know I've alot of things I wanna do but I really think I've got something to offer in this field. The talk gave me hope in my depressed mode.

Samuel waited for my talk to end and the joy of seeing my boyfriend wait outside my school is just damn good. :) Finally I could pour everything out. Finally I was smiling ignoring my ulcer. Finally I was joking. Finally I was being myself again. I love Samuel and I love myself when I'm with him.

But sigh, in my down and depressed days, besides Samuel, I dont know who will be there to pick me up. Who will be patient enough to wait for me? Who will be willing enough to stop and listen to me? Who will be loving enough to give me love to push me on? As friends, they dont have the obligation to be with me all the time, so its tough and I dont blame anyone. I guess thats the point of being in a relationship, someone is always there for you.

I'm in a mess and I have to get out of it. Quick.

Its been a long time since I shouted so much that I feel so so goood. ;) Volunteering at APSN is always a joy.

Now, I'm feeling crazily stressed.

Alone time with iced cafe mocha. I'm really thankful to have sufficient allowance to enjoy such life pleasures. Really. I did take some time out to read my CB notes. Sitting at a cafe like that really brings me alot of thoughts, alot of ideas, alot of reflections. Its good. But sometimes too much makes me feel very drained. I can not do alot of work, but still feel v tired cause my brain ran too fast.

:) Raindrops cafe has super nice mushroom pasta. The sauce is exceptionally sweet and the mushrooms are big and fat. And pasta was also cooked till its nice and soft. WHOOO. I'm craving for it now. We had some fish prawn mango papaya salad and poached pear with icecream too. All the happy food. Then we had a free $5 voucher from scape and we ate shaven mango ice. Damn shioks la.

SUAY TTM.
1. I've got a giant ulcer on my lip. So I cannot close my mouth properly, making my lips even drier than usual.
2. My flat has someone suspected for dengue and within 2 days, I got biten 9 times on my right leg when I was home.

To reverse the suayness.
1. I'm going to dress up and head out.
2. I'm going to go to a nice place to complete my work on hand.
3. I'm applying salt on my ulcer. (PAIN LIKE FUCK I TELL YOU!)

There is sth wrong this sem, my mood fluctuates like crazy.

I'm not going to deny but I'm such a baby, really. I whine alot, complain alot. Its true that I dont behave in this way in front of other people but Samuel. I feel horrible. Its like my pillar is going to leave and I will just crumble and die. D: I dont understand why is this tougher than Brunei and Thailand? WHYYYYYY!

Do I want time to pass faster? NO, I'm not ready for my exams. Do I want time to pass slower? NO, I want Samuel to come back quick.

But come to think of it, I cant control time. Why do I need so much sense of control, even over things that I cant.

We always need some mediocre people to fill up the gap. There will always be the elites, the middleclass and the rest. Not all of us can be elites, so are we going to mourn about it? NO. I'm going to try to love myself like that.

Its hard. Cause academics were never an issue in my life. Okay I did struggle in sec school, but my mind just opened and understood everything before Olevels, so I did well for Os. I did great for As. Now, I cant say I'm doing well. I'm really average or maybe below average in school. And I'm not even like damn enthu in non-acad stuff. I'm not even achieving awards or anything outside.

I swear I studied like a cow this midterms. But when I got back my papers, nowhere close to A+. Not even B+. I know, misery. I guess thats a part of me who wants to sulk and pity myself. But the other part of me just wants to hold on, push on, if I can do well, I will; if I cant, I will love myself too.

I would love to be an active agent and go with free will, against norms in society. But this social structure is trapping me up in this cycle. Society expects us to do well, so we force ourselves to do better each time, and in the end that makes society expect more. The cycle doesnt end.

I'm sure I'm good at something out there. I'm sure I have a strong passion for something. I'm just a little slow in discovering it.

At the end of the day, as long as I die a happy person, thats all that counts. I'm typing like weirdly cause I'm suffering from a serious lack of sleep. ZZ.

We watched NC 16, M18, it is time we move to R21! HAHAHH!

Piranha, I know, such a lame choice of R21 movie. So my conclusion after the show, R21 movies are just about unnecessary scenes of naked women and gore. Zero plot. And I was shocked to see 'Vanessa' from gossip girl in the movie.

Theres seriously quite alot of boobies scene where women were showing off their boobs, and this pair of women touching each other. Its like wth lor. Totally unnecessary, just there to turn the guys on for no reason. Their boobs really damn big though.

And gore. OMG man. To me its damn gross. TOO MUCH! So much blood, so many dead half eaten bodies, so many death scenes like tearing a body apart, or like the hair stuck in the boat's motor, or a cable slicing the body into half, or fishes chomping down bodies. SOOOO MUCH flesh and blood that I really felt like puking after the show.

I dont think I will watch another R21 show soon. I bet Samuel enjoyed it more. Geez.

OMG ANN WON BEST PHOTO 5 TIMES IN A ROW.
SHES DA BOMB MAN.

Okay I really MUST get back to Advertising now.

HAHHAHA. :D My friends are so cute.

Tom once told me that my every other blog entry is emoing about Samuel. Now, I think its true! K, I dont emo about him all the time, half is about how sweet/irritating he is and half is how horrid NS is. I'm in the current down mode cause I keep thinking Samuel is flying off soon. And its for 23 fucking days, 3 fucking weekends. KILL ME. Friends, please help keep my spirits high. Please jio me out to mug/play, once 4 Nov comes.

I wonder if Samuel's brother reads my blog. Wouldnt it be weird reading about how this girl rave about your brother? HA.

I'm feeling stressed out knowing that school's starting tomorrow. The mad rush, the breathlessness, the nonstop workload, the pressure to be the best, the facade to fit in. The project deadlines, the quizzes, the exams. And I will be getting back my mid term papers, which I happen to study hard for. Studying for them, makes me more nervous to want to do well.

Sigh.

When it all starts tomorrow, it wont stop until its over.

I think about my advertising presentation next week and I feel like fuck. D: I need to make it outstanding but HOW. Omg man, just kill me. I swear I'm going to class part 1 million times every class to cover up for the lost marks for presentation. Sigh.

I think about my BP proj and I feel horrid. Why are my groupmates doing work like snails? Why is there no initiative at all? Seriously man. Deadline is coming soon why dont they feel the sense of urgency? I dont want last min anyhow whack work. I want A+ work. Fuck sia.

Okay thats the 2 things pressing in my head now. Wont feel good until they are all over. And I hate things that I cannot fully control.

I'm overly dependent on my bf again. I need him to help take my mind away. But he booked in alr and I'm sadddd, the next time he books out, we will be 1 weekend closer to him flying away. And I wont have time in the day this Sat for him and he doesnt have time at night for me. D: Sigh.

I'm like a kid, dreading school.

I want to be in a creative job. One that allows me to generate ideas. One that allows me to have some form of freedom. One that allows me to not just work with words and numbers.

I have my crazy idea generator mind on some days and my dry boring mind on other days. Right now, my mind is bursting with goodness and I just need to convert this energy into actions.

I want my wedding to be filled with soft white lilies. The whites with the yellows and the greens. If I die and reincarnate as a flower, I would want to be a lily. HAHHA! Lilies look so chilled, and so pure. I dont know how to explain but they are just so pretty. Not like the typical pink girly flowers, lilies seem to have this purity and class in them.

I think I got some serious disorder man, I feel like smelling a lily now. I've no idea how they smell like. I feel like touching how smooth that single petal is. So amazing how a single petal make the flower look so perfect.

If I'm rich, I will have fresh flowers in my house all the time.

My wedding will be white with a bit of summer's yellow. :)

Why are young ladies wearing granny panties? (This is a random, not so random topic cause its been in my head for a while.)

I dont mean like skin colour undies when I say granny panties. Skin colour is perfectly fine especially when you are wearing white bottoms or sth. Its good actually! But why are people still wearing those panties that go high up to your waist when your shorts/skirt/ jeans is at your hips? Your undies is supposed to be perfectly hidden under your shorts/skirt/ jeans. Its really quite a turn off la. Like you think that you can hide your high waist undies under your shirt, but the fact is that you cant. When you bend over, or just twist your body a little, there, your undies is so visible. Skin colour really doesnt mean invisible.

I saw a nicely dressed lady at NTU that day. BUT, there was this bulge of skin colour cotton above her pants, uncovered by her top. Gross. Okay granny panties and NTU are not correlated. HAHAHAH! I swear.

I know everyone has a phrase where they wear granny panties, but thats only when you are very young and your mum just conveniently buy your undies at the store downstairs, or when you are old and married or when your body shape can only fit bigger undies. Girls, please start wearing proper undies.

Proper undies are not like damn ex also. And undies stay with you for long. Its not about being vain, its a matter of presentation and self respect. Dont flag your undies for the whole world to see.

I dont really like guessing. I can keep on guessing to make myself feel positive, make myself feel loved, make myself feel really happy. But at the end of the day, I realised, omg, did you even say so?

How far would you go for me? How important am I to you? How much do I mean to you? How much do you love me? Am I just your companion? If I decided to further my studies overseas for the next 4 years will you react? If I told you I'm not sure if I will marry you next time will you be sad?

I'm building an illusion for myself to believe in. I keep expecting things, and you just give them. I keep asking, and you just answer them.

Probably, I'm in this honey moon alone.

Probably, I'm (hates this word) needy.

Probably, I'm mental. I think too much but I cant help it. D:

Sometimes I wonder if I was the one serving NS, how would our relationship be like now?

Will I be too tired and lazy to go out?
Will I call Samuel every night?
Will I keep yakking about what I do in camp?
Will I have too many friends and leave no time for Samuel?

Will Samuel miss me?
Will he worry so much for me?
Will he be asking me for more time every time we meet?
Will he tell me how tough it is being without me?

Thankfully the roles are not switched.

I want to learn how to cook super awesome pasta. I love eating pasta. :)

Headed to NTU for some inspiration today. I like how it feels to be at NTU, far away from civilisation, doing work in peace and traquility, with no one I know there except some close friends.

I wont transfer to NTU cause if I do, I will lose this hideout. I will end up dreading to go there cause its my school and not my secret place.

So yes, NTU'ed. Met Hongkit, Jean and Yongjun for lunch. Met Yan An and Zhiyong for a little while. Met Kunloong. Did my CB assignment, which made me damn sleepy. Left with Jean in Hongkit's Dad's ride. And suddenly we decided to catch Eat. Pray. Love.

I've been feeling rather confused lately. Its like a matured kind of confusion. I'm confused about what I want to do when I graduate. What do I want to pursue? Why does my passion lie? Whats my calling? You know, I'm really unsure and very very scared of stepping into the working world.

I'm doing marketing with sociology now. Yes I enjoy studying them, but does that mean I will like working in the industry? If I'm going to do marketing, which area? The research area? The advertising area? The PR area? What areas are there??? D:

I want to teach too. I want the genuine interaction. I want to help others learn. I love seeing progress in people. Teaching? For real? I dont know!

I like doing events too. I like to see how nothing turn out into something beautiful. I like to see people enjoy the event I planned. Its natural of me to troubleshoot in my mind, to settle all the nitty gritties, to cover all the gaps.

What do I want to do??? I DONT KNOW AND I'M ALL OVER THE PLACE. D: So ya, watching Eat Love Pray was quite a good thing. It brought some peace in my cluttered brain. I need peace to find answers.

My hair looks damn chio here. My awesome attempt at tying a scarf in my hair.

This is expressive mode, the colours are damn very vibrant so we look damn healthy. Ha. Dont need to use blusher also got rosy cheeks. :)

These photos are all from Sab's new lumix. I dont have to bring my cam out next time already.

Shopping with Sab yesterday. Its always very exciting when I shop with her. Its like a roller coaster ride! We will first start with nothing to buy, feeling abit lost and empty, then we will spot something we like alot, then be very troubled if we should buy it. Its really a turmoil. But its really fun cause we go through it together. At least we dont buy on absolute impulse, we will search for alternatives. And we really search, even if it means travelling to somewhere else. HAHA, damn hiong. And we can cover Far East in 15 mins. We are super fast and efficient too. How nice if I'm like that when I'm studying- motivated and focused.

And at the end of the day, we always feel super tired, but super satisfied with the day. :) No shopping for the rest of the month.

Last post of tonight.

Dear, I've no idea why but I'm missing you like crazy now. So dumb la, its just a 2 night field camp. D:

SIGH.

Uni Y Exco Picnic! :) Its very rare to see such a big group of us just hanging around doing nothing. We always meet up only during meetings or random events like Vivace or HPAIR. So this was like a FINALLY thing. And we had enough food even though it was potluck. Camwhoring is always a great way to spend time cause it makes you laugh and it makes everyone almost immediately tight again.

And Rachael, if you are reading this, TAKE CARE K!! You were missed.

I think we look like we got super powers here. :D But I was standing cause I suck la, I cant focus and I dont know my timetable well.