Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

I just experienced something damn thrilling.

I finished my BP paper in less than an hour, and I left the class first. Impeccable feat. I really checked my paper thoroughly, tried to lump everything I know into the limited space and looked through every single qn again and again. I did all I could and I still finished so early. The paper was supposed to be 2 hour long.

I think I'm damn amazing on spotting qns from the tb. Okay I spotted them, read them, then ignored them and focused on my notes since there was more weightage on the notes. And soooo, I rmbed studying those stuff I spotted, but I cannot rmb them exactly. I wanted to kill myself on the spot la. I still wrote down those things I spotted in my notes, but I thought since notes more impt, I shall ignore those. Damn it la. Wasted marks.

Mmm, A+ is not easy to get. Prof, give me A can?

The more I study, the more nervous I get before the paper, the more paranoid I get after the paper.

I'm paranoid about my CB and Ethics papers.
I'm nervous about my BP and Socio papers.

Time should pass faster, I'm sick of this emotional roller coaster alr. Need to hop off and start taking time easy again.

But then again, BOBIAN, I'm on the journey of a better GPA this sem. Rachael is sick of me telling her of my straight A+ this sem. HAHA! But thats the aim mannz. Of course, I will most likely not reach the aim but I will fall just below the aim, which is straight As. HAHHA!

OMG man, Siao alr. BP paper in 2 hours. GOOD LUCK to me, I'm not studying anymore! :)

Its been a long time since I went to school for unofficial reasons. Mugged in school with the Sep Ycc people yesterday and I must say its quite a big feat that we managed to shut up for quite long durations. :D

Tomorrow is the day my nightmare begins, 3 exams 3 days in a row. I've never experienced such a nightmare ever since I entered SMU so good luck to me manz. I swear to finish studying BP today. No matter how much I hate it, I must still conquer it. Hope for doing well seems to be very slight cause I just cannot tune my brain to think logically, simi inventory, simi EOQ, simi stochastic decision problem, simi forecasting. I cannot relate to them laaaaa. Sigh. Just have to suck it in and love it as much as I can.

A+ A+ A+ A+ A+

I miss those days when Samuel wasnt bounded by NS. When time wasnt so precious, so everything wasnt so planned, so forced.

I miss those days when Yiling is in Singapore so Jean Yiling and I can hang out whenever we wanted to.

I miss those mugging days in JC when Aud, Lu, Siewhoon, Yuting, Ed and I made an effort to mug like crazy together. And we really mugged in the midst of the fun.

Now my life is different.

Nothing very funny happened last night, not like during Social night den got hapz stories to tell.

Only once when I saw this couple and I couldnt stop laughing la. Its like the GOH was thanking the ladies for being there with their guys throughout this journey. Then this girl, she turned to her guy and pout (mega pout!) and blinkblinkblink into his eyes. And hor, so suay, I saw the whole thing, imagine how much I wanted to burst into laughter. But k la, the girl was pretty soooo, I guess pretty girls can do such things.

Oh and it reminds me of Ning's 3 way flirting- Blink, play with hair, lick your lips. HAHAH! This one almost la.

And throughout the night, 1 concept that I've learnt in school was in my mind. The spotlight effect. We keep thinking that alot of ppl are watching us, what we wear matters, how we behave matters. But the fact is, no one is really looking at you. As long as you dont do something outrageous or wear something totally out of place, you will just blend in. Even if you wear damn chio, after a while, you just fade away too cause I'm more caught up with myself then your pretty dress. So why bother ah? Human nature is weird.

Oh but one thing, the girl at my table noticed that I laughed quite loudly. FAIL! We went to the toilet, den she was saying shes damn uncomfortable acting demure and quiet. Then I was like "I understand mannz" and shes like "yaa I noticed you laugh quite loud right, den you tried to cover your mouth". WTF MAN I wanted to kill myself. HAHHAH!

Dear, I tried laaa. But some things really very funny.

And so, I attended the social event. Comms ball is not too bad la. I honestly think its so much better than Social night. Probably cause of the people sitting at the table. But thennnn, no nice full length picture of me and my date and my beautiful dress and shoes. D: Damn sad. Oh well. Food was nice but not like damn fantastic and I'm super hungry now.

But I must say, I really proud of my boyfriend, when I look at the video and like the photos, I can hardly imagine how I would suffer being in the army. All the mud and dirt, all the pressure to run the equipment and weapons, all the fatigue. And all the nagging and arguments from the girlfriend. Yeah baby, 10 more mths.

D:

This photo was taken to prove that Samuel and I entered a club before. HAHAHAHHAH! But we left in like half an hour. It was weird la.

Thou shalt be afraid of social events.

I am a social product, and through interaction I will learn my roles and fulfill my social position. Through interaction, people will form social relations and then institutions and all these forms society. And social structure which comprises of individuals, communities, institutions. So with this structure, there will be norms and constraints that we as the agent face. However, the agent can be passive or active in the agency. So I can innovate and change things, or just reinforce and social reproduction takes place, leading back to social structure. Oh and then through the looking glass concept, I will know more about myself through what people reflect to me. I will then differentiate 'I' from 'Me'. I will adjust my behaviour accordingly to how people respond. Oh I dont know how it fits but interaction helps bring out meaning. And the study of interaction between individuals is micro sociology.

Prejudice is a learnt belief or attitude. Discrimination is the treatment given and stereotypes is the generalizing of my learnt beliefs. Thou shalt be prejudice. Cause discrimination happens when we assume physical differences as biological and genetic. It is actually constructed socially. But when people of different status come together to communicate (through symbols) they will end up with more prejudice. Social inequality is a cause of discrimination and not result.

Social reality is constructed by hardware such as institutions and software such as rules and norms. Different people have different social reality.
---------------------

I'm so amazing, I wrote all that out without referring to my notes. HAHH! Thanks to my 2 hours of chanting the notes out to myself. But I can only conclude that if people tell me so, cause of looking glass concept (as stated above).

Okay, I intended to talk about my emotions about attending Comms Ball tomorrow, but I sidetracked la, who ask it to be a social event. I'm horrible at social events when I'm the passive agent. I dont like conforming to this social expectation that dates must be demure and sweet looking. Why cant I laugh loudly? Cause no one laughs loudly. I can only laugh loudly when theres a group of people who will do this innovative behaviour with me. Or else no one will accept this innovative behaviour.

Okay I must stop blogging, Siao liao. I cannot blog normally. All in all, I'm feeling like what I'm feeling when I was about to go for Social Night months ago. Weirdly awkward but still want to go cause Samuel HAS to bring me and not someone else, and I'm proud of him, but why must it be formal, and why must it be with people I dont know. But Samuel is there so that should be enough. But I still feel uncomfortable being a flower vase. Cause I'm not a hot flower vase, I'm like some china antique, must observe and be my friend then you know my value. HAHAH. BYE.

Ning, please correct me if I fail to explain Sociology terms accurately. HAHAHHAHH!

Happppy Midautumn Festival! :) Love my boyfriend who does silly childish things with me.

Samuel came to school to pick me after my night class ended. And he surprised me with super cute mooncakes that I wanted weeks ago and a Hello Kitty $1 lantern. HAHAH! Of all characters, he just has to pick to gay-est one. Oh and to complete the package, he bought sparklers too. So we ended up playing and playing until it was almost 1am. Ha.

I feel so loved.

How nice if Samuel is not in NS anymore.

I'm thinking of hokkien mee.
I'm thinking of Samuel.
I'm thinking of eating hokkien mee with Samuel.

Tomorrow. :)

Lunched with Ning and Yiwei today. It brought back alot of memories when we were younger in SMU. It was a pity Qi wasnt there with us.

It was finally when I felt, I do have friends in SMU and I could be totally myself with them. They dont judge me if my math is like horrid and my memory is rotten. They are still there for me.

Annual cost = D/Q(S)+ 0.5Qh and Q*= sq root(2SD/h)

They helped me remember my formulae. HAHHAH!

And I realised if I get all A+ this sem, my GPA will improve by alot. Sounds a little far fetched la, but I'm trying. There is still hope. And when my GPA improves, I can go to NTU for exchange. Okay maybe not, I still wont be good enough. =/

I must pia. NOW.

I must study today.

1. Study CB
2. Read Ethics

Then I can slack.

HAPPY COMMISSIONING BABY! :)

And so, that marks the end of Sep YCC '10. And also my last YCC with Uni Y. :) Not happy that its the last, but happy that it was as good as the first. Shall not admit that its better. HAHAHH!

I didnt spend much time at camp but I really enjoyed myself. When people are at Y Camp, they just become super jovial and gay. Everyone is friends with everyone. Everyone wants to be nice to everyone. I must say I really like the progs and the committee alot, they made the camp extremely impactful despite it being only 2d1n for the benes. I miss seeing people cry after camp and this time round, it was damn awesome. HAHAH people cried like crazy. Its not that I'm sadistic but when people cry, its like tangible results. They can say "ya, I had fun and I learnt alot." but they might not mean it. However, if they cry, ha. Win.

I realised, a tight committee is very important to a successful camp. Maybe not tight tight, but just being open minded and giving your all to the camp. Things may get disorganized at times but even in chaos, everyone is doing something to help lift up the situation. Initiative. Instinct need to help make the camp better.

And that marks the end of my life in Uni Y. HAHAH! YEAH TO NEW AWESOME PEOPLE taking over Nomis and I! :D

I'm off for a weekend of fun! (After I endure 2 more classes and a presentation tomorrow.)

I'll be at Sep Y Camp, Samuel's commissioning parade and Aud's birthday party! WHOOOPEE!

No mugging for 2 full days!

lulu: who can lend me their GC? >.< says:
i wan wear pj n go get a room lock myself in it and go slp
valerie sammificated says:
i wan to just soak in a tub, drink some jasmine tea, listen to sentimental hits

This is super funny but ya, painful at the very same time.

I swear I did work as much as I could today. I had class, den after class I did work until the next class. I didnt really rest extensively what. How come I didnt clear alot of work? HOW COME? EXPLAIN TO ME!

D:

Samuel has to tolerate a very moody me again.

I've learnt something over lunch today.

1. Wake up, dont go about life half asleep.
2. Find a purpose- For myself and with my friends.

Thanks Yihan for lunch, its really some food for thought for me. I will wake up. I wont accept my life to go on like that. How can I be half asleep, riding through the motion and resent that life's just like that?

I'm going to wake up tomorrow, with a purpose. Erh, currently my purpose is to do extremely well this sem, you know, like in primary school you get 'Good Progress Award', I want to give myself this award this sem. I used to not like this title, cause it would just mean I was really bad in the past in order for me to have space to improve. But I guess, I'm going to accept that I've been half asleep all Year 1 and 2, now its time for me to wake up.

Wish me luck, I might just fall back to sleep again tomorrow.

Sabrina, dont you think the photo looks very grainy? ZZZ.

I'm super happy today. Even though the process was tough and annoying and very very very tiring, we managed to pull through. You guys have no idea how much we put into achieving our final goal. But I must say, Sabrina made it alot better. I would have long given up if not for her.

Yes, its just shopping. But its not ordinary shopping, its shopping for comms ball. If you know me (dont have to know me well to know), I dont wear (very formal) dresses. So its super difficult for me to get a dress. No its easy to get a dress, but its difficult to get one that I dont feel weird wearing. Its highly challenging. So Sabrina and I searched high and low and high and low and all over the place. We speed shopped all over the whole wide world. There were dresses, but they were either priced exorbidantly or they were just not me. Oh and or they were too big. I wasnt choosy lor, I was in fact very desperate.

Finally, in the evening, we found it. Its really FINALLY. :) Once I wore it, I knew this is it. When I showed Sabrina, she knew this was it. So It was it.

WHOOHOO. This is the first time shopping was like a chore. I was planning to shop alone but I'm so glad Sab msged me at the right time.

Thanks sooo much Sab. Thanks for being with me from Day 1 of dress searching- online secondary research. Ha. Thanks for being sooo patient and soo hopeful. Gave me alot of motivation to press on, to keep on finding. Thanks for making me excited. Thanks for picking out dresses for me to try, for being focused when there were so many other pretty things everywhere. Thanks for not being sian at all and still try to perk me up. And most importantly, thanks for understanding my body so well. HAHAHHA! <3

I'm feeling very loved. Honestly I never knew I will create a wave of concerns like that. I'm very thankful. But really dont get me wrong, I didnt 'attract' the attention for self fulfilling purposes.

Everything is fine(r) now. The workload is not gone and it is still piling like crazy but I guess I shouldnt be frantic over non living things like readings. I will clear them one by one. I cant do anything about it. I'm just not competitive enough to pia like crazy to get my A+. My midterms are like running towards me at top speed. I must get down to preping for it.

Samuel and I are better now. WE are working on it. I really like it when we just survived an ordeal together. Okay during the ordeal, I admit, I'm a weakling and I was totally not myself. But we are fine now. Everything will just go uphill from now onwards. I miss him like crazy. :)

If my boyfriend sings 'Just the way you are' to me, I think I will faint. HAHHAH!

Dinner at Republic of Steak, beer at ICB then beer at Irish Bar. We cant get enough of school so we must meet in school on a public holiday.

We are damn gian peng. HAHH! So much that we went to ICB so that we can win their quiz and win free stuff. Its damn funny, when we were there, the lady was like "We're having a quiz later..OH! You guys are black sheep!" HAHHA! Ya, thats our group name.

The radio just introduced me a song from The Script, 'For the First time'.

We are gonna stop by drinking all cheap bottles of wines
sit talking up all night,
saying things we haven’t for a while

You're smiling but we're close to tears,
even after all these years
we just now got the feeling that we're meeting
for the first time

Whats with all the fucking spams.

I'm annoyed.

I thought after presentation today, I will feel better. Yes, I'm feeling momentarily lighter, but now, I'm back to feeling burdened again. I think this happens when you are in a relationship. And its one of its reasons why your parents dont want you to date so early. Everything I do cant be perfect now cause at the back of my mind, I think about the issues we have, I think about the limited time we have, I think about the many times we tried, I think about all this cockshit and I feel fucking frustrated.

D: I'm really very troubled. Can all this stop? I dont know how we can stop it cause we cant.

Happy public hol, I may not even get to see you until you commission next week. And I'm going to see you only during your parade. Then okay bye, see you at the ball. I really know that its not your fault, its partially mine, but I cant help feeling annoyed by the whole thing.

NS schedule is screwing up your schedule screwing up my schedule screwing up our lives.

FUCK. I will just keep doing my work and not care about anything. I'm emotionally drained. When will this tunnel end? We need to see the light again, before its too late and I just resign to darkness. I'm not angry with you, I'm just very sick of everything. And only you can solve it now.

I'm not a depressed kid la. But things are just not going too smoothly for me.

On a sidenote, thanks to all those who have been there for me and who have been doing/saying stupid things to make me laugh, either intentionally or unintentionally.

I want to bake a shiok carrot cake soon!! ARGH, why isnt time on my side?

Misfortunes.

1. Samuel and I quarrelled on Sat.
2. I have mountains of work awaiting me.
3. I cannot stop sneezing.

To turn the misfortunes around:

1. Samuel and I are okay again, but I guess we will just try again.
2. I am still putting in my all to finish them.
3. Stuff tissue into my nostrils.

Think positive and I will feel happier.

If I have time, I will be happy.
If I am happy, I will bake.
If I bake, I will bake a rainbow. :)

Wo de nan peng you man ke lian de.

Its like 215pm now and he hasnt book out. After he books out (at I dont know what time), he still needs to rush home, then rush to meet me (by that time I also dont know what time already). And when he meets me, he must try to hide his fatigue, still be nice to me. Then end of the day, I will complain that we spent so little time together. And I will be sad, then he will be sad.

Zhen ke lian.

I will be nice to my nan peng you later. :)

Yesterday Hong Kit said "if you guys are not compatible, how come you guys can be together for 6 years?" True ah, I always think Samuel and I are a ridiculous match but somehow or another, we've been together for like 6 years already. So I guess, we are actually compatible. HAHA!

I'm quite a horrid friend cause this year I forgot Hongkit's bday when hes usually one of the first to wish me on mine. Heh. But better late than never, and we kinda celebrated Hongkit's bday today. Got him a breast like cake and like 2 boxers for new-hall-new-life fun. HAHAH! I kinda think we, or at least I since I'm not in the hapz NTU (mega big sighhh), will not be seeing Hongkit very often anymore. He will be enjoying school and hall life and socializing like crazy. Oh well. Esp, if he gets a girl, he probably disappear from our world.

And I granted myself some time to rest and chill with Jean and Hongkit cause I've been working too hard. 830pm-5pm today and I was totally burnt out. Terrible. I wonder if I'm aging or the workload is increasing, or I'm just getting lazier.

OMG. Good news of the day, of the sem. I realised I only have 11 more CUs to clear before I grad. So if I take one or two summer mods, you know, I can grad in 2 more sems.

Life is so hopeful again. :) But that would mean my last sem in school, will be Samuel's 1st sem in school. But I guess thats some kind of excitement as well. Old foggie, totally shagged and burnt by school with a young freshie.

Things to do this weekend:

1. Ethics project
2. Soci Project
3. CB project
4. CB individual assignment
5. 1 million readings
6. Kick my TA's ass and tell him I cannot present in Week 5 already. Asshole.
7. If my TA kick my ass instead, then I must prepare for my Advertising presentation.
8. Do up progs timeline for Camp Toy Story

Okay okay, sounds good, sounds absolutely do-able. Okay chill ah.

Times like this when I feel overwhelmed with work, how nice if right at my doorstep, I see:

1. My boyfriend with supper in his hands.
2. My friends with beer in their hands.

Life will be perfect.

I swear to finish Ethics proj thing tml, I have to anyway, no choice.
I swear to finish reading my soci stuff tonight.