Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

muchthanks.

Designer Basecodes
AdobePhotoshop

Archives:
February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010

Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

I will be starting my book soon.

The life of the girlfriend, of the NS man.

No more emo songs for Val.

I will spend all my time planning for every Saturday. =) Something I will look forward to for motivation.

Hello Single-weekdays only-hood! HAHAH!

No laaa. I'm a conservative nice girlfriend who will pine for her boyfriend to return every week. Seriously, you might see me waiting at pasir ris every Friday. I'm a sticky person.

I think Im ready for this change in our relationship.

Why is it when the buddies are labelled as beneficiaries then we start to be patient with them? On one hand we inisit that stereotyping and labelling them are bad, but on the other hand, if these stereotypes dont exist in our heads, will we still be as 'kind' as we are now?

Do we need someone to be labelled as a beneficiary before we give genuine care and concern? If so, isnt it not genuine anymore?

Why cant we be more patient, more forgiving, more understanding to the people besides beneficiaries? They may need our help too. They may have their own issues. Who are we to laugh and make fun of them? Who are we to mock them? Who are we to strip them off all dignity? If thats a beneficiary, will we still do that? We might actually even label that as cute.

We humans are full of contradictions. We say something, and the next moment we meant another. Its rather disgusting, I must say, to be behaving in such a way. We may roll our eyes this moment, then at the next moment when you see that everyone is laughing, you start laughing too. How fake.

Irony irony irony.

Time does buzz off real quick. Its the last Y Camp meeting today and I realised that I have no more to come, yet. I really dont know if there will be anymore but ya, I think if that was the last, it ended off well. =)

I think I've come to terms that Samuel will be enlisting soon. I guess I should be happy that he is finally going to get his turn to become a man. Enlisting makes us one step closer to a lifetime together. HAHHAH! I should remain positive.

And I should learn to let go. Let go of Y Camp. Learn to let others take care of it. Trust them to take care of it. Its not mine in the first place, I just took care of it for a little while. But I need to know that its in safe hands before letting go of it. I dont treat each camp individually, I see every camp improve bit by bit, influencing more and more people, its an on-going process. I wont want to see it fall.

I will let go when I know this baby is safe.

I want my hair to be this straight. But why cant my hair just behave? And damn that fringe.

I know I should not be sad, I should not be missing him so much.
All these will just make him feel worse (I think).
I should be glad hes going to finally enlist, finally going to experience what all men have to.
He will be back after 1.5weeks and then I will see him every weekend.
How bad can that be?
He will still be here with me, for me.
I just need to learn to be independent again.

Seriously, I think we are meeting too much for me to not miss him when hes away.
Its like you want to see him more now, but you dont want to get used to seeing him too much.

Its terrible.

But I will be okay, people please come and meet lonely me when Samuel is away. I will be mildly depressed waiting for him.

I think the unglamness just grew from Day 1 to Day 3. HA.

Ya tell me about it, I'm still living in the past. I miss Y Camp! Miss it so much that I'm so glad Alan asked me to join Sep Y Outing. I'm going to see the beneficiaries again! I'm going to see 3 SMU volunteers again! I'm going to see Yining and Guosheng again!

Yeah!! I love the adrenaline rush when I'm doing community service. The gush of life. The rush that makes things slow down. The surge of power to be happy and to make people happy. The air of light heartedness. The moment of time when I'm unaffected by work.

I guess I'm truely resting is when I'm doing com service. No wonder I feel so tired nowadays, I'm deprived. HAHHAHAH!

One sick fella.

Being claustrophobic, I feel oh so accomplished after spending the whole day in a cooped up gsr.
Public holiday somemore. Double win.
Plus I edited horrible Engrish of weird irritating person. Triple Kill.

Today was hell lot of an excitement again. TWC project meetings are all like adventures of its own. Xuan Yi is amazing, she actually wrote a note of our previous adventure on Facebook, if its not private, you guys should read it. Its worth to be published into a book la.

Yes as I was talking about today. WW decided to send in his part early this morning and said that he has gone to sleep. Being pissed at his sub standard work, we called him up to wake him and demand that he comes for the meeting. We lied that we were meeting at 3pm when we met at like 1pm. We had to do work before he comes and disturb us with his crap. Yes and this is where the exciting part comes in...

After putting down the call, we were so pissed that we bitched about him. Van talked about his horrendous language, Xuan Yi asked him to go and die, Michael lied to him that we were meeting later, I said he slept with the prof. HAHAH omg yes I said that. This continued for like 15mins or so and suddenly, Michael heard some weird noises. He looked around to realise that the noises came from his phone...

Gawd damn it! WW did not put down the phone and he was eavsdropping on our conversation all these while.

Then came in an sms from him, saying we shouldnt talk behind his back and yada yada.

HAHAHHAHA Seriously, it was damn exciting at this moment of time. Its like suddenly the world of human beings become so much like the battlefield. Stabbing and defending and attacking but hiding. I really cant describe it but it was damn action packed.

Imagine how it was when he entered the room later in the day..

I dont like friends who get attached and then forget about their friends they used to be close to. Its their partner that counts and nothing else matters.

But seriously, maybe this is better. Pros may weight out the cons this time round.

Not to brag but, I'm glad I am close to Samuel but also close to my friends, despite them not really knowing Samuel. I hope things remain like that. At least Samuel will know that when hes in Tekong, I will not be all alone.

At most I will be lonely, but not alone.

Goodness, 18 more days.

With more control, I even had time and energy to whip up good supper again. Time never tasted so sweet before.

Okay dont misunderstand, I have damn alot of work to do. Maybe I dont even have time to complete them, its pressurizing and damn sickening. But I just feel more relieved cause at least I know what I have to do by when. It is this sense of control, knowing that I am able to do the things I have to do, makes me satisfied.

I guess knowing that I am able to go home more often for dinner makes me feel better.

Seriously. Today was the evilest project meeting EVER. HAHHAA. But somehow, we enjoyed it alot.

We were hell lot more productive without him.
We were so much more open to ideas without him.
We were so much more attentive without him.
We were more like a team, without him.

Sad nut.

I made an absolute booboo by letting him know that we met up without him. I just tried to email a 'cover-my-backside' email. I really hope it works. We just need to be evil for 5 more days and we can cut off all ties with him alr.

I'm so sick of technology. Like way sick. So sick I got a fever, and food poisoning. HAHAHH! Dont worry I'm not sick, those were just excuses he gave.

Are they sad, or do people perceive them as sad beings cause they are not like us?

Thinking of it makes me sad. I should never take psyc for nuts.

I'm happy all this week. Not that I wasnt happy last week and at camp, but I think I have more slow-mo times this week. I dont have to run around that much, I still do run around in school, from one meeting to another but just not as much. And when the day ends in school, the day really ends. And I like that.

I like the freedom of time. I like the control of time. I'm no rivals with time, if time obeys me.

Yesterday was the 1st time in my whole life that I actually fell asleep without knowing.

Usually you will know you are dozing off. You will then either let yourself fall into sleep, or try means to wake yourself up.

But yesterday, I didnt know what happened and I woke up in a shock when my Dad entered the room. I actually just knocked out on my laptop without knowing. So its like I was researching and suddenly I was asleep the next sec.

Goodness. I'm still super tired.

I am super touched by all the random, but not random, emails. Its like checking my school email used to be a burden and something I dont look forward to at all. But now, when I opened my school mail these few days, I get surprise emails.

People emailing me to tell me the awesomeness of Y Camp, people thanking for this experience, and people telling me people who love Y Camp. Nothing beats the one email from this guy who joined Y Camp for its 30 CSP hours.

I remember him clearly, at Uni Y Welcome Tea, after my briefing, Zhenling and I went around to 'encourage' aka 'force' people to join Sep YCC. Upon reaching this table of 3 foreign students, they didnt show much interest in doing local community service. Then they asked "how many CSP hours will we get?" I controlled myself from rolling my eyes in disappointment, and replied "30 hours." They got super excited and the 2 guys signed up for camp. Before I left the table, I told them, "You guys can join for the hours, but I hope after the camp you will be changed. Rmb its not for the hours." Mockingly, they replied "Ya ya, not for hours!" They were still giggling about it.

I thought to myself "Liars. Damn I hope they dont affect others at camp."

Now, he actually replied to my mass thank you email. He told me hes proud to have gone for Y Camp and wants to do more com srv. The best part of this email, he signed off as "the guy who went for Y Camp for the hours".

HAHAH. Seriously, I'm very touched. I'm touched by how much Y Camp can really do. I knew that Y Camp changed my life. Now, I know Y Camp changed the lives of SMU students too. =)

People affect people affect more people. People are affected by people affected by more people

I got 85/120 for my 1st MA quiz. I flipped my paper and I got a big shock. In my head it was just "DAMN I'M A PRODIGY!"

Then suddenly, my neighbour and my other neighbour all did way better than me.

So did I still do well? Am I supposed to feel lousy and inferior? Bell curve bell curve bell curve.

AH HECK. Damn I really think I deserve some credit for getting a B. =) I thought I was going to fail. And I'm super good with guessing. Theres this qn that I guessed all the way and I got full marks. WTH man. I'm a genius. Okay I shouldnt be proud that I had to guess answers.

And the day started beautiful today. I walked to school with a volunteer from Sep YCC. She told me she enjoyed herself so much. And she said this "Y Camp is fun and very meaningful, must inform me about the next camp, I want to go!" Ha. Exactly what I want volunteers to feel and take away from the camp. =)

I will miss all memories of Sep YCC. =( (And power 98 decides to play "Wake me up when September ends now. Making me emo.)

I realised we stretched a hell lot this time. We actually had a camp at APSN no matter how many ppl didnt believe it was possible, we actually slept outdoors under tents for the first night no matter how many people doubted it, we actually had 1-1pairing no matter how many drop outs there were, we actually did Megazip when no other Y camps went there before, we actually planned the camp within a month, we actually did so many new stuff and I feel so glad to be part of Sep YCC now.

I miss Mon evening meetings, I miss spaming ning on msn, I miss rushing out booklets, I miss all the leaders, I miss the whole committee, I miss seeing the benes so happy, I miss BJ (AHHA!), I miss staying up late without feeling stressed over homework, I miss loving everybody as who they are, I miss disturbing the first aiders, I miss laughing at Peifen's red face, I miss drinking vitasoy, I miss laughing on the bus to Sentosa, I miss encouraging benes at Megazip, I miss shouting "Y Camp Oui!" to hear a very loud "Oui!" back, I miss seeing volunteers being amused by their buddies, I miss buddies giving their volunteers so much love, I miss seeing how J takes care of his flag like its gold, I miss seeing everyone dancing at party night, I miss seeing volunteers tuck their buddies into their sleeping bags, I miss seeing Philip and Victor dance, I miss seeing R running when he got best buddy award, I miss seeing volunteers do mass dance again and again happily even after benes left, I miss seeing every group taking their mass photos, I miss hearing volunteers addressing me "Val" like I was like long lost friend, I miss Sep YCC.

I think this camp has gave me something very different. Very different from Apr YCC.

In April, I was all blur and aimless. Started off blur, with alot of guidance from Eileen, whacked it with Zhenling and not expecting so much, the camp ended beyond expectations. In Sep, I was not as blur, with a clear mind of what I want from camp. Was pretty much given alot of independence as Victor and Angeline let us do it our way. Too much in my head, expected alot more, whacked it hard with Ning, the camp ended like that. Of course expectations in my head were not surpassed. I guess in my head, everything was perfect. No one will imagine and expect a camp to be filled with obstacles, I imagined a flawless camp, which was impossible to achieve.

Now that I thought to myself slowly, I realised Sep YCC was great afterall. No doubts there were things that could have been done better, no doubts that I made a whole lot of mistakes (yet again). But still, I learnt alot, I received alot, I enjoyed myself.

This Sep YCC, I dare say I made alot more friends and I've become a bigger superstar at APSN. HAHAHH! =))

Not going to blog about Sep YCC yet, need more time to sort thoughts but I barely have enough time for myself.

I think my life is led on by others and not by myself. Need to sort that out too.

Now, its all about catching up on time. Lagging by even more. Need to run faster.

In my head now are a dozen of questions. Really, you can never imagine how much I actually question myself avout everything. My brain is a question generator. But the questions always remain in my head. I dont like asking questions aloud. Questions are meant to be private and solved by myself. Personal questions solved by others will not be the answers I need. Somethings have to be sorted out by myself.

What do I really want?

GAWD DAMN IT, I DONT KNOW. VAL STOP QUESTIONING VAL. SHIT YOU.

The day started with me lost in transition again. Boarded the bus and wondered what was I doing.

Gathered my thoughts for camp preparations and things continued to progress smoothly. Kfc made my stomach ache reactivate but it was still fine. I'm a pain tolerator. I really think so leh. For a girl my size, I can tolerate pretty well, only that I will keep complaining to Samuel.

Ya then BHAM. All the shit started slamming. More dropouts by the minute. So many more that we need to start digging out all contacts and contacting people we seldom talk to. Its tough handling last minute changes, its difficult adapting to these changes quickly, its even more heart wrenching to know that something you loved so much is being taken so lightly but these people. You start thinking about how excited the benes are on the other end, but the volunteers on this end are just letting go. Internal struggle, you fight it. Cant fight against it, just suck thumb. Rmb, if we cant change the people, we either adapt or give up and leave.

Left for my project meeting. And I'm actually glad I did. It was like a breeze of fresh air. With my hawaiian friend making me laugh so hard when he tried speaking Singlish. "le gong si mi lan jiao wei" Seriously, dont make that out. HAH But it made me amused. Then I ran back to continue the battle.

All these while, my phone has been buzzing. Friends getting back to me, telling me they cant make it. Not surprised at all. Not disappointed. No feelings can be shown. Continue with project meeting, vomit out whatever I can contribute to the project. Have to differentiate camp stuff in my head and ideas for my project. Suck thumb. Lessons learnt in life kept running through my head.

Stayed till late to rush things out. Bloody printer pissed me off. Getting pissed with a non living can actually be more therapeutic than being pissed with human. Its okay what can I do, suck thumb. More and more things crowd my head. Its like the dark clouds try to hide my vision, but I'm insisting on having sunshine instead. I feel so misunderstood, positive intentions read negatively, felt alone. Dark clouds just oozed in at 100km/hr. Think happy thoughts just didnt seem to work.

Why am I in this position now? Its a hat too big for me to fill.

I wonder why when I heard that from you, suddenly I snapped out of it. On the way home, I just thought hard. I realised perhaps this is why I am here. All these show that I should be here.

Val, remain calm and happy. You are given this fun outlook for a reason. Rmb, your emotions will affect everyone else's. Continue to pick up every phonecall, and tell your leaders not to worry and ask them to sleep early. Continue to tell your 1st aid to remain calm, chill and I am sure nothing will go wrong. Continue to ask logs is there anything you can help, continue to bug them to fetch me tml. HAHA. Continue to tell those that will come late/ cant come/ have to go off at some point of time, its okay I understand how they feel, I will try my best to give them the best of both worlds. I really understand.

Its not a time to panick and die. Its the time to remain who I am and know I'm damn good.

DAMN I'M READY FOR CAMP! =D DAMN IM REALLY READY! HAHAHAH! Oh just need to buy vitasoy.

I ponned 2 lessons this week. Terrible terrible terrible.

You know there are times when you pon class and you feel like god? So free, so happy, so rebellious. But these 2 times, I just felt bad. I ponned but I wasnt free, wasnt happy, who cares about being rebellious. I should not have not done it, but no matter how my heart wanted to be in class, I just didnt have the energy to do so.

I really cannot fall sick. Spam fruits and water.

Days are passing so quickly. I'm stuck in the speed. Day after day after day. And suddenly I wonder whats all the rush for? I cannot remember what happened yesterday, the day before, and last week. Nothing is making an impact anymore. Its really sad to know that everything you are going through doesnt leave an impression in your life. All that I was rushing for did not matter to me. If it doesnt matter, why must I rush?

I'm like a living dead. I'm alive in my daydreams. Or am I just dreaming about living? I can exit from the train and suddenly think, what am I doing in dhoby ghaut? My subconscious mind has been routined and it rushes me through my schedule. I can participate actively in project meetings, and suddenly think to myself, what is this project about?

Yes, it is this bad. So whatever you tell me today, I think I will forget the very next second. Samuel came over yesterday. I was missing him today on the bus and I suddenly realised "oh I met him yesterday!" then in the middle of the day, I will realise again "oh! I did meet him yesterday!" and then I will think, "where did we have dinner?" or "did we have dinner?" oh god. I'm mentally retarded.

I desperately want time to slow down. I want more time with Samuel. I want more time to do more.

Truth is, I dont need more time. I just need the minutes to slow down.

When you do something good, you expect a reward, or maybe a praise.
But when what you received is completely opposite,
you just break down

and then you start to think,

was it all that worthwhile?

Stop taking things for granted. I got no energy for this now. Maybe I should start taking you for granted, then you will realise how tiring it is.

I'm so happy I met Samuel today. =)

I wonder why even after 5 years, I still feel so happy seeing him. Maybe cause we dont meet up very often so everytime I see him its like I've not seen him for a long long time. Must be. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

After visitation at APSN today, I feel abit more excited about camp and more encouraged by the leaders' and first aids' efforts. Alot of new comers into the committee comes from these 2 groups and I'm actually very proud of them today. Very Very. I see the new leaders' effort to make their group high and happy and I feel so touched. Makes me want to do more to help them, makes me want to make sure they are happy too.

I think after Sep YCC, I will take a break. I dont want to burn out and I want to spend more time with Samuel. I really want to spend alot alot alot of time with him.

How nice if my hair colour looks like that all the time. And today we coincidentally wore blue-white-red combi. HA. We always coincidentally wear the same kind of stuff.

I'm starting to get nervous excited. I'm starting to visualise camp, I'm starting to get into the mood. Thats great. I was so scared this feeling will never come. Now, I need to build up on this feeling and to make sure I will be super high during camp. Seriously, if theres no MA quiz next week, I will be gawd-damn high by now.

Give me excitement and the energy to jump tomorrow.

=)) I will squeeze myself dry for times like this.

Sometimes I think I squeeze myself too dry. And Jason Mraz sings "I wont worry my life away~" How apt. I'm coming up with 101 ways to keep myself awake to read my textbk. Like I will read 3 pages, and let myself read something online.

My eyes are killing me. I want a manicure, a massage, a soak in a hot outdoor tub in Bali.

I miss Samuel. =( Its like this wk he has lessons from 8-6pm and he has no time for me alr. What will happen when he enlists? I really hope it wont be like what we are now. I dont want Tues to repeat itself, him being late in meeting me, me dragging myself to Yishun, him looking so tired, me so tired but trying to keep spirits high, him walking me to the MRT station, me not wanting to leave but have no choice and I dragged myself home. I will just die early if this is life after Samuel enlists.

I will make sacrifices, but what if I'm just so tired I cant do it anymore. Now I still have the energy, but next time will I still have it? Wah esp after Midterms, I will just die man. DIE.

Okay, read ur MPW, its taking forever.

We should be stuck together in a GSR more often. HAHA.

"Of course I wont say your bf cute la! If I say then you should feel scared can!"

Debate was ooooh kay today. I always have this "I could have done better" feeling about my speech. I was rather satisfied with my answers to the floor's qns. I was happy with myself for having a quick enough brain to not look stupid. But my speech...

Seriously, its difficult for me to come up with points cause basically all research was against my stand. Who will write a journal article saying America is the still doing great with innovation? Oh yes, say erh 1998 joural article. Useful eh? HAH.

Nvm, despite the prof concluding that America is really losing its edge, I know that I managed to convince the class and thats enough. I really felt that the class was on my side. Okay I shouldnt brag about my 'victory' cause of my not-so-prepared or far-too-nervous opponent. Just say its a 'victory' that I could sway a topic that was from the North, all the way to the South.

I shall grant myself a wish today. I will slack. And the background sounds go "Der ner der ner der ner der ner.." HAHAHHA Please ignore me, I've alr bugged Shiqi and Yiwei with that crocodile tune but I'm not done with it. Ignore ah.

Watching the hearing impaired 'tell' stories today, I felt like, nothing is impossible. A voice is what story telling requires but now, even if you lack the core element of a particular goal you want to reach, you can still reach it. In the past, if you are wheelchair bound, you dont even think of moving around, now, you can scale mountains. If people who are deemed as 'never' to be able to walk can climb mountains, what about people like us who have everything needed for any skills development. What reasons do we have? Or rather, what excuses do we have?

How can I not reach somewhere one day. I will reach there one day. The only question is, Where? Will it be somewhere I want? But come to it again, if its not where I want, I can always move off to the place I want to.

I should go to the company in my job ad to find an internship/job. I really love what I see.

Not all beautiful things in this world can be appreciated by an individual. I hate root beer, but its an amazing drink to many others. You just wonder why cant everything be made beautiful to you. If I loved everything, would life be easier? If everyone understands what I love, wouldnt we work better in harmony?

Life is made to make you suffer.
Suffering makes you want more love to overcome the pain.
You demand, but the supply fails you.
You just allowed yourself to fall into deeper suffering.

Seek nothing. Dont demand so much. Be at peace. Life is actually simpler, you just made it complicated.

My sister is stuck in stress now. Trust me, she can be one really stressed human being. I wonder what do my friends view me. Do I look like a stressed being to you? At home, I'm the chill-est. My sister wanted to consult me on how to be so heck care. Sometimes, acting does the trick. Acting makes it real. Act like you are cool, and you will be cool gradually. You are acting all along in your own life, (the world's your stage, rmb?) so more acting just make you live your life more like yourself.

What a weird conclusion. I'm using my unconscious brain to work now. Marvel at my unconscious mind.