Valerie
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De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

Sundays are like blog days and blogging makes my thoughts become closer to reality.

Sometimes I just want to head back to Secondary School. Like run back in time just to feel that very special feeling again. The feeling of love and friendship. The feeling of having Samuel weaved into my life.

It seems like my social life and my love life are 2 seperate entities now. (I'm not complaining, just stating neutrally.) My social life has down-sized to only YMCA peeps, maybe its up-sized cause I have so many more friends in the 'clique' now. I used to hang out with smaller cliques.

I really want my hols to come quickly. I so need to to meet up with my secondary school friends, my jc friends and my primary school best friend. I have a desperate need to yak and talk cock with all of them and miss about our past together. I dont want to be missing memories alone here. I want to go out with Samuel everyday. Go to weird places just because we've never been there before. Act like tourists and have no care about replying emails and doing work.

I feel like I've got tonnes to do but I just dont want to start. Hate doing work.

I'm so glad for yesterday. The Y outing, Jing's surprise, and catching a movie with the leftovers from those who left for Night Cycling. It was indeed stress relieving and it really makes me happy. Wonder if being happy is good cause when I'm happy, I dont want to come down to earth again to do work, if you get what I mean. BLARGH.

Take me out on a Sunday.

I'm determined to jot down how I feel today.

But then again, I'm so tired.

I erased all that I've written cause the Engrish is too weird and my sentences are haphazard.

Tomorrow then.

Boy am I hungry now.

I dont know where to dump this photo so since you guys are reading my blog, I shall just put this here. HAHAA. So yes heres Shaun the Shrek.

Hello Week 12.

I'm starting to feel a wee bit stressed over my final exams. Biz law and Stats. Oh well. I'm sure all things will turn out fine in the end. Hope I do alright for the Stats test I will be getting back tomorrow. What is alright?

I seriously cant wait for Stats proj to be done. Its this kind of pull-hair project which really makes me damn pek cek. I hate plotting stupid diagrams on excel and analysing numbers and data. I wonder how many times I curse and swear whenever I do the questions. HAH. Its damn sickening. I wonder what will happen when I take CAT.

Even though I was sick yesterday, I enjoyed being sick. Ya felt like crap with an aching pain in my head and this weird gastric pain which hurts all the time. But I felt totally taken care of by Samuel. Heh. Machiam like princess. But I was really touched by how he took care of me. Like I dont have to do anything at all. =)

Ah but now, I need to recharge and charge forward again.

I think my blog entries are a total bore. My life is becoming bitter and I'm becoming like a whiny old woman talking about nothing but how school sucks. ZZZ. HELLO? Time for a change.

Like 1 million needles poking me now. ZZZZ. HOW this is the crucial period of the whole Sem. Wrong time to fall ill. =(

But still, I had fun yesterday. The dry run started with the right tone and mood with everyone being high during introduction. The laughter I heard was genuine and I'm really happy to see them finally bonding. Better late than never eh?

And I think I will never forget how Yiwei, Guosheng, Shaun, Hazmi and Hariani helped me with my contact lens. It was damn funny. It all began during the flour game when I got flour in my contact lens. YES ITS DAMN SUCKY. I really wonder why I got flour in my eye when I was acting as the bene. My volunteer was quite clean actually. Yes so we were walking to the MRT station when they decided I should wash my contacts, since Hazmi had saline. Hazmi and Hariani being first aiders, were very merticulous.

I had to wash my hands first. So water from Yiwei's bottle. After washing I wanted to take out my contacts alr but, Hariani didnt allow, saying water and saline will cause my eye to feel sour. I dont know why also, so she helped me wash my contacts. HAHA. And Hazmi took out his torch to see if there's flour in my eye. Yes so they helped my wipe my eye and helped me drip saline into it too. Then when my contacts and eye are clean, GS and Shaun put out their hands to act as a catchment area in case my contacts drop. And tadah! My contacts were so much more comfy again.

Okay this is amazing cause it was all done standing up at some void deck. Once in a lifetime experience.

Oh and I just saw the video of our YMCA jump at Ning's blog. HAHAH! The ending is damn funny, wad sell ur mind body and soul. HAHAHA.

I'm very loved by the people around me. Samuel made me feel v loved too. By being so sweet last night, and making me feel so much better. He sat beside me for quite awhile to coax me to sleep. He's coming over again today. =)

Its like I know my body is tell me something but I just dont want to accept it.

I dont want to accept that I'm ill and I need to take a break. The pain I feel is immense and good enough to kill. My head was like soooo pain that my dad had to pick me up. And my gastric was sooo pain today that Dear had to come to make me feel better. Its still painful now but its much better alr. And I'm perpetually tired all the time.

I must press on!

Dry run was alright today. It can always be better. Some of the games were actually really fun. Its amazing how you see your baby growing and today it grew quite abit. Ya thats how it felt. It feels good seeing cameraderie in the committee. I guess its possible for them to be committed and stripped off for awhile. There were times when I felt that they could be better but I think I shouldnt rush things. I have faith in the people in this and I'm sure April YCC can be comparable to any other camps. Mini doesnt mean substandard. It just mean bite-size, all the goodness compact together. But still, much more work to be done to let the baby be fully grown.

I will not let that weird feeling get back to me again. I got abit of that feeling today so I called dear to come down quickly. I'm glad he did and I really felt alot better.

I'm really thankful and appreciative to all my friends and my team mates' friends who turn up today. =)) And BIG thank you to those who bought the CD too!

Thanks to the singers and band as well. Everything will be impossible if not for them.

And I really hope Yiwei will do well for his MA tml. Or else I will be damn guilty.

But right now, I'm just soo fucking tired. ZZZ, this is harder than I thought. I'm just soooo mooody and pissy now. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz. The thought of waking up at 7+ tml is just killing me. KILLING ME AND MINCING ME UP INSIDE. BLARGH. I DONT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TML! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY 3 DAY WEEK!?

I think its just one of my mood swing attack again. I really dont want anything now.

I need some love and someone to whisper sweet nothings to me.=(

Tomorrow will be my LTB project launch. Jitters.

Hope it will all turn out well. Another BIG HEAVY stone will then be removed. =)

But yes, all must go well. And it will.

(Dear, rmb to take care of yourself when I'm busy and cant take care of you k. Hehehehe.)

Its been a looooong time since I felt SO nervous about a presentation. Not as well done as I wanted it to be. I really wonder why was I so nervous la. Like WHYY? =// Its just a very weird feeling about Biz Law that just makes me uneasy and not confident.

I'm just blogging now cause I think I need to clear my mind before I study STATS. I've not rest at all from 10am this morn. I'm amazed at myself for having 2 fulfilling days in a row. (Since I cant say I'm tired, Samuel said I should use fulfilling instead.) I will have another fulfilling day tomorrow, and Thursday and Friday and Saturday. Whooohoo. My life's just way awesome.

Honestly, I mean it. At this point in time, recovering from my peak-stress period 2 weeks ago, I kinda think that I'm bigger than I actually am. I maybe in a small frame but I can do alot. Of course, I can always do more. But I'm picking up where I stopped.

I think I really managed to push myself out of my mental problem and I'm moving on to a more optimistic me. Till now I still dont know what caused the mental problem I had last time. But I think I was insane or sth. Zzz. Okay wonder why Im mentioning it now also.

Just a random note, I kinda like doing projects now. I get to know more people and realise how completely different human beings can be. Its a strange happy thing to know such people. Ha. As what Tom told me, "I think You've matured" HAHAHAH. Till now I think that was quite funny.

All the best Val, these 2 weeks are the time of your life so make the best out of it. =))

After browsing through facebook and looking through friends' blogs, I really envy their relationships. I never thought I will really envy such a lifestyle of having not many friends, and dedicating your time all to your other half. But I've no idea why I'm feeling like that now. I envy the routine of going to my bf's hse after school, den going out for dinner, catching a show, then he will come over to my place, and we will have supper, and he will go home. And I will be left at home, missing him and looking forward to see him tomorrow. Or how about the routine of waking up early for a breakfast date, then going to his house to watch serial shows, falling aslp on the couch, then head out for shopping and dinner. Blah blah blah. I think I can imagine 101 different days with my boyfriend. However it doesnt seem to be the case now. Our routine has become like go out in the afternoon, quarrel, and go home feeling very bad, or if its alright it will be going out for dinner, then he'll come to my place. I want the holidays to come badly. I want to spend more time with him. Do I have the time to spend with him now? I think I do, just that I dont know why I dont get asked out very often. I'm not lamenting about anything here. Why do some people see their other halves every day and not get sick ? Will you be sick of me if you see me 2 days in a row? Sometimes I feel unloved. Maybe I'm a person who needs alot of love while you are a person who doesnt give alot of love. I'm compromising by forgoing my true self and accepting you as someone who doesnt believe much in emotions. But sometimes, I really just need you to hug me more, to fetch me home more, to buy food for me, to take me out. I just need you to do some things. Initiating things, surprising me. What is holding you back? I guess its just me asking too much and expecting more again. Actually, I think it is just me and my over demanding self.

BUT whatever the case, Baby we'll try and try again.

I read Sabrina's blog and I realised sth.

I've been showing my temper and stress and sorrow to the people who are closest to me. When I get home and my Dad tries to be nice to help me do stuff, more often than not, I end up feeling very irritated and chase him away. And when I'm with Samuel, I dont tolerate anything for long. Why is it that in front of my friends I can laugh but in front of people who love me, I'm like a emotional wreck.

I just take it for granted that they will forgive me, they will know how stressed up I am, they will know I need to vent it out. But I should really stop all these. It is them who hurt the most. I dont think if I scold my friend, my friend will be very much hurt, I think they will just be pissed. But when I'm angry with my Dad or Samuel, they just get hurt.

Booo.

Okay. MUG TIME AGAIN!

I guess fights are just common in our relationship. No one should be blamed cause 1 keeps in, 1 explodes and both end up unhappy. I think you know what I mean. But I guess, I really dont mind. As long as at the end of the day, I still feel loved by you.

Sometimes I really dont know how dumb I can get.

I'm thinking of holidays, thinking of coffee at starbucks, thinking of sharing merlionster, thinking of doing com service (AHAHAH! I feel so paralysed not doing any this weekend!), thinking of chalets, thinking of ikea meatballs, thinking of doing everything I did in the last hols. Holiday mood is setting in too sooon.

The week passed so quickly. Was it because I was happy all week or was I just busy all week? I think its the latter cause this week was an emotional roller coaster, with explosives hidden everywhere. But things just have to do back on track again, no matter how off track it may seem to be. Just take it as a detour and soon I'm ready to face another obstacle again.

I shall set a new week's resolution: I will not say I'm tired/ sleepy/ sian this whole week. =)

I'm really loved by alot of people. Thanks to all for giving me more strength to press on! As what Yiwei says "FIGHT BACK!"

I've learnt alot after all these. =)

Now that mid terms are over, I can focus on my overdue homework and on my pressing project deadlines. I'm cool again. As what I learn in CT class today, when I wake up tomorrow and look into the mirror, I will see someone who is feeling really excited about the day. I am excited for later alr. =)))

As presentation was okay today. I was nervous at first cause I was completely unprepared for it. No rehearsals and a script that was soo small for me to look. =/ So stupid la. HAHAH. But it went alright. I felt satisfied with myself.

-side track- omg. Star World showing the Simpsons now. =DD

Dear, Jiayou with work too! Xing ku ni le.

Time check 2.30am. Awesome.

I'm okayyyyyy!

Just only abit more moody, abit more hot tempered, abit more easily-irritated, abit more aggitated, abit more extreme, abit more attitude, abit more mood swings.

Besides that, I'm really okay. =))

And besides the weird stomach ache, and the never-to-be-recovered ulcer.

I'm PERFECT.

And besides the screwed up stats and biz law midterms.

HAHAHAH! OKAYYYYY LAAAAAAAAA. To everybody who is getting worried for me, I'm really okay. Please lor, its Valerie you are talking about leh. She will make everything fun. Project meetings are fun, lessons are fun, meetings are all fun. My projects are rushing me though. Its so rushed that my friend is coming over to pass me proj stuff later. YES LATER AT ABOUT 12AM. HAHAHA Okay but its alright cause I feel quite motivated at how fast things are moving. =)

Thanks for all the lovely concerns k. I'm really fine. Compared to many other SMU people, my committments are really quite mild. I just need to firm myself up cause this is what my future is all about. I need to be stronger and braver. But give me some time to adapt and stand up again k.

Thanks dearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. You've been so sweet yesterday. HAH I hope I didnt scare you. I dont know why it happened also but it just did. I guess its at the end of the day, when I decided to stop mugging, and I was in my room, lying down, and you were the only one with me, and I decided to just let go. It was good to let go. Dear was very nice to me. =)

Thanks GuoSheng. HAHAH I wasnt angry with you ytd k. Master Splinter knows that you want to help me. I really appreciate it. =))

Thanks Yining for sending me stuff to relieve me of my project load. HAHA. It was so comforting seeing you in school today! I'm so glad I could pour out my sorrows to you on Sat. Thanks for all the advice also. You should be my shifu instead can.

Thanks Tom for smsing me whenever he reads my blog and knows that I'm sad. SEEE I GOT THANK YOU HOR.

Thanks Qiqi for always asking me to Jiayou online. =)

Thanks Yiwei for lying to me that I did a good job that day. HAHAHHA. ITS A LIE! But it made me feel better. Girls always listen to lies and feel good about it. =/

I'm really alright alr. Time to gather up all the shit, and starting working on it.

I really think I should be a follower. I'm tired of being in front. The one being shot by everyone under me. When good things happened, they thank themselves. When bad things happened, I'm the bull's eye.

I want to go back to the sec sch days when I am just a plain Jane with no consequences to face when I do something wrong.

I couldnt take it and broke down. Its really hard on me. Learning so much at one time, expecting to grow with every step I take. I need time to digest. Samuel hugged me and I just cried and cried and cried.

I'm a weakling.

FUCKING HELL.

WHY ARE PPL BEHAVING LIKE THEY ARE 3 YR OLDS?! PLEASE LA. HOW OLD ALR. WAKE UP YOUR IDEA CANN!?

UNI PPL ARE A BUNCH OF RETARDS WHO THINK THEY ARE THE SMARTEST PPL ALIVE.

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE OR ELSE SOON THE WORLD WILL BE FILLED WITH COMPLACENT, ARROGANT UNI PPL.

Its really time for me to do something. But no matter how much I really want to do, I cant find the time to do it cause I dont like compromising time with others. Its like, you dont give me your heart, how can I put in mine?

Okay but, I will really step in now. I guess its a must and I believe its a must as well.

Give me 4 days, after my midterms and after my presentation on Wed. Things will change. Not sure how it will result but I will make try to make it goooooooood.

Valerie is really tired. But shes going to stretch herself even more. She believes she can but today was just not her day.

She woke up on the wrong side of the bed, skipped 1 project meeting, didnt wake up early to mug cause she set her alamr wrongly. She hobbled to school, and she was completely stoned. AS meeting went well though, despite how emotionless she felt today.

After meeting, she jaywalked to YMCA. She couldnt laugh or talk much today. Her ulcer was stopping her. Everytime she just open her mouth, her ulcer will hurt like fuck. Like a million needles. But she has to talk, so the wound just gets bigger and worse making her hurt more.

She was just not in the right mood today and needed someone to lean on.

She mustered enough energy to continue mugging. She managed to read her AS article. She had to go to a loner corner to mug by herself or else she will just feel even sian-er having people around her. She just wanted to be anti social today since talking hurts her more.

You know, if you dont talk for long, you just dont feel like talking anymore. Her whole body and mind just shut down.

She couldnt think during meeting and she knew she did a bad job today. But shes really not in a good mood today. No excuses but shes human.

She laughs and smiles but in her head, shes thinking of her ultimate escape route, thinking of sleep, thinking of just thinking. She has a fucked up mind like powers like a machine. Robotic piece of metal. Bolts and screws. Emotionless inside but vibrant only on the outside.

Why is she like that today? I think she blames herself for not waking up early to do work today. She blames herself for everything. What is everything? She doesnt know herself. Maybe she just blames herself for being born, or she blames herself for the world she has. You get what she means, nothing.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Now she doesnt want to talk to anyone. She really feels like whacking a punching bag or venting everything out and breaking down into a heap of ashes. She wants to faint and hopes someone will catch her, she wants to free fall.

OKAY VALERIE. SNAP OUT OF IT. STUDY NOW YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

OMGG I stil cannot shut up.

As I watch the videos I took of Jason Mraz, I feeel sooooooooo sad. But so happpy at the same time. OMGGG. I actually went to his concert. *faintsssss*

As I sing him live from my camera now, theres like this tsunami of emotions crashing onto me. All the emotions I had before when I was listening to him from my stereo. This is so gay but I really connect to his songs so much that there are times when I felt so lost, his songs managed to perk me up.

Esp when I listen to "Lucky" I could really put myself into the past when Samuel was far away in China. Till now, when I listen to "Lucky" I will think of how sad I was then.

I guess thats something unique about me. When I hear a song, I will recall the situation I was in when I really connected with the tune.

AHHH. His songs just fit so nicely today. The cold rain. The stress I'm feeling. Ahhh. He really understands me well. HAHAHA. OMG I'm crazy alr.

I'm learning to take one step at a time and not think about deadlines.

All that are mugging hard, JIAYOU! The Sem is really ending soon. Sooner than you can even think about it.

But right now, I in NO MOOD to study at all. I'm going to see Jason Mraz later! HOW CAN I FOCUS NOW?! OHHH I'm so exciteddddddddd!! AHH, I better not make my excitement grow bigger. Today is my free-est day to mug so I must make full use of it.

I must prepare myself for Stats Midterms next Mon. AHHH. HATE STATS. STAB STAB STAB.

And I'm so shocked when I woke up today realising its Thurs alr. Like how can la. I thought the week just started. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, but I can only look forward if I finish my studying. RAR. Life is always so unfair. Study before you play, or else dont play.

AHH I'm talking crap now cause I'm just delaying my stats study time. =((((((((((

When I'm at home, all I can think of is sleep. How nice if I can just lie on my bed just for a little while.

{akaaka{{pau's army-wireless GS-TMNT}- FOC camp 2 to 4 mar-MINDs outing&Ydance 7 mar-YCC meeting (apr) 6 mar & (jun)12 mar says:
noooooooooooo.............

[akaaka[{pau's army-wireless GS-TMNT}- FOC camp 2 to 4 mar-MINDs outing&Ydance 7 mar-YCC meeting (apr) 6 mar & (jun)12 mar says:
master die

[akaaka[{pau's army-wireless GS-TMNT}- FOC camp 2 to 4 mar-MINDs outing&Ydance 7 mar-YCC meeting (apr) 6 mar & (jun)12 mar says:
turtles die...........

HAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! OMGG. *laughs hysterically*

And I dont know why the chinese characters on the nick appear as [akaaka[ here. =X

Okay. I'm master splinter in TMNT now and I have 4 turtles under me- GS, Shaun, Yining and Yiwei. =X Gosh, I'm the disgusting rat which I totally hated when I was young, cause its super retarded to have a rat as a shifu of 4 turtles. HAHA.

Yes, so I was happy yesterday, and I'm fishing stressed today. Perhaps its cause of the email of Mgmt 226 that I have a project/presentation to do. BOO. =((((

Now, I have LTB, BIZ LAW, STATS, AS, CT projects, LTB, BIZ LAW, STATS, AS midterms. And I dont dare to think about my finals. *stab*stab*stab*

Okay shall not dwell on it. I can do it. Just do all I have to do one by one and soon I will finish all that I need to do. Yup. Dont stress upon it and things will just have to pass. But it has come to a point where I can keep thinking about what I have to do in my sleep. I'm not sleeping well. Zzzzz.

RARRRRRRR. Okay. Things will be clear and rainbon-ish soon.

Its time like this when I just want to fall back onto Dear.