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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

Honeymoon feeling is just awesome. I was trying to find a photo of us when we were young but this is all I can find on my laptop. Very recent still. ZZZ.

This is the super funny story my friend told me about his shitting experience last night. He is down with food poisoning.

-start-

XXX says:
hahahaa
can u imagine
i shit finish liao stand up
then some blood rush to my head like a wave

then i got giddy
and cant hear a shit
here is the climax
NO MORE TOILET PAPER
hahaha wtf
then admist the giddiness i had to scramble for toilet paper
wtf
a shit load of experience literally

sian sia i almost died
then my parents also slping
i told myself dont faint
or else
i will die with a unflushed toilet and uncleaned ass
HAHAH!

-end-

OMG MAN I LAUGH UNTIL PENG.

Shit I finished what Samuel bought for me in a matter of hours. D:

I'm feeling happy today. On a Sunday. Which is kinda rare.

Oh and I suddenly recalled why Rachael and I laughed so much while studying that day. Thinking of it makes me laugh now. Seventeen talked about having a rhythm and momentum when kissing to be a great kisser. So dumb, then we started imagining kissing while tapping to create a beat. HAHA. Okay its what we imagined in our heads that made everything so amusing.
JEAN AH. Please come and find me to mug next week. Or maybe we can go shopping and we can watch Alice in Wonderland the following week. We need to meet up already. I'm running on a Jean deficit. Please reply.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIANGPIN!! The birthday party we've waited for so long! =DD

OMG SAMUEL'S BOOKING OUT ON SATURDAY!! =DDDD

I'm sorry friends. I have to do what my heart wants me to do. I promise to meet up with you guys soon. =/

I'm like no 1 pangseh queen nowadays. Things just happen to clash all the time. Some days I'm totally free, some days I'm totally packed to the brim, plus overlaps which I will end up pangsehing. SORRY!

The correlation is really right. I'm blogging SO much since Samuel's away.

Before I fell asleep just now, I was feeling irritated at my aching legs. Then I thought about how every now and then when I tell Samuel my legs are aching, he will give me this very very very very painful sports massage. I will end up screaming and almost crying (really) cause its really damn pain. Then after the forced massage, he will ask me "How? Better alr right? *grins very proudly*" and I will bluff him "No dont have, its abuse."

Now, I yearn for it. I tried giving myself the very painful massage but I cant bear to abuse myself. Damn.

Its damn strange after looking up from my seat, and see a sec school familiar face.

I was never close to being her friend. She was just a schoolmate but in my head, I have a terrible impression of her. Now, I guess the impression is reinforced again. She is making so much noise in the library, talking so loudly as if its her home and no one else exists. She just exclaimed "Fuck! *(@$)@&!", so loud that (I swear) everyone turned to look at her. But as usual, she wasnt embarrassed.

Once an Ah Lian, always an Ah Lian. FAIL.

http://www.theselby.com/

This damn website is taking up my time. Pretty people with pretty partners with pretty kick ass apartments.

One day.

Most humans are impulsive. When they feel a particular way, they just blurt out how they feel. When someone bump into you on the train when you are in a foul mood, you (almost immediately) tsk back. Humans must learn to go slow. Things will be alot more peaceful if everything goes slow and steady.

But if every action, every word is thought through, it will be too tedious and the brain might just explode.

Oh well, there is no perfect world cause very likely my perfect world is different from yours.

I'm actually completely and totally fine. Nothing happened thats grave enough to make me depressed of any sort. Dont worry people! But its heartwarming to know that people care. =)

I think I must have spent too much time with Samuel last week. Its only Wed now and I'm dying already. I tell you, I still have 1week 5days to survive.

But Samuel's very sweet. I woke up reading his sms to encourage me to mug today. And he randomly called me for 2 secs to tell me hes going for his lesson alr.

How I wish he will miraculously book out today. I'm not too happy without him.

Mar YCC is in a week!

I cant wait to pack my Deuter bag, lump in all my gettingmoreandmorecui YMCA shirts, and leave home for camp. I'm damn excited. HAHAH. I'm actually excited to do logs. Oh wait, damn, I dont get to lose my voice! Zzz.

Okay but first, exams.

Shit thing manz, Econs coming monday, and NPD submission on the monday after camp.

Human relations is always difficult. People learn to manage people along the way. But people are everchanging and they are all different in their own special ways, so theres never a smoothsailing way of communicating with everyone around you. Theres no fix theory on how to be in good terms with everybody. So its definitely okay to not be in good books. Just understand the reason behind it and work on it.

Everyone has a freedom of disliking actions of others. Afterall, how can you like every single thing a person does when one does so many things in his/her life? Everyone has character flaws. If you have no flaws, you are perhaps delusional or you are just not human. You have the freedom to dislike, so others have the freedom to dislike you too. You were faulted, so you cant fault others. This is life.

Sometimes, people just have to learn. Let others learn. Give yourself time to learn. If you are not good at managing relationships, take a step back and learn. If you are not good in leading, take a step back to learn. If you are not good with expressing, learn. If you are hurt, get back up and understand whats going on. Dont just charge forward, not thinking if its intrusive. Dont just charge foward thinking about yourself. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Look at the world in another's eyes. There is a reason for everything. Perceptions of certain issues can vary between people, understand the other point of view.

I guess being too self indulgent can cause alot of storm. You just get too caught up in the moment, you fail to see what others see. You fail to see what you are actually doing and how that looks like in the eyes of others. Its like me when I'm emo, I just dwell so much into it, I can lead myself into crying myself to sleep over nothing. It is not wrong. People are always self indulgent. But theres always a time when you need to take a breather, observe and reflect. What is actually going on?

I swear this is not targetted at you or her or anyone else. Its just something to read, and digest, then wonder about. I'm not God, I'm not a mind reader, I'm not a famous author, I'm human. Dont take my words to heart if it doesnt tug at your heart strings. But if you understand what I mean and feel that it makes sense, then lets work on it. Lets work on being better selves. Let this be a wake up call to a new beginning.

DAMN. I sound like some monk/ priest or sth.

I must master Week 1-3 of Econs by tonight. MUST.

zzzzz. I hate late nights.

I saw this just now at this blog that I always go to. And I was thinking, how apt to what I'm tihnking about right now. This is for myself to think about what others say and also for the people around me to think about what I say.

Happy Week 8. Just about 6 weeks to go. I'm trying to find the lost momentum.

I'm going to make my birthday wish now. I wish that Samuel does not have to be in Brunei on his birthday. If I can have a 2nd wish, I hope Samuel doesnt have to be there on my birthday. It sucks when our birthdays are that close.

Today is Sunday.

Thinking back on what we did on Saturday never fail to make me feel sour all over. The fun, the laughter, the warm snuggly, look-into-your-eyes-and-disappear feeling. It felt so timeless, so it felt worse when it all ended.

Now I'm forcing myself to forget that you wont be booking out this weekend, and that you will only book out for a short while following Sunday. I can handle it. I know he's trying to hide his dread and reluctance by telling me it will all be over very soon. I let him know my dread. Thats just how our relationship works. I nag, complain, whine all day, while he tells me its all okay.

No doubt, despite all my rantings here, I admit I'm getting used to it alr. I'm not saying I'm not dreading anymore. I'm just getting used to myself dreading it. Its like the time of the month, you dont embrace it, you dont feel neutral about it, you hate it but you just have to go through it. Same here, now its the time of the week.

For the first time, I decided to join Samuel and our (more of his than ours, actually) friends for dinner. I must be crazy. I was just thinking that it wasnt fair to ask Samuel to spend every single Saturday with me, but if I dont see him this weekend, I will have to wait sometime before I can meet him, so I should join him and his friends. It was undoubtedly awkward during dinner. But thankfully we manged to play L4D2 at night. You dont have to mingle much playing games. HAHA. Okay but thats not my point of suggesting lan. YEAH I finally played L4D2, with Samuel beside me hearing me shout somemore.

Oh and there was once, I accidentally shot Samuel in the game and his character went "Sweetheart, stop shooting me." HAHA.

Okay, I shall not indulge in misery this 2 weeks. I've got loads planned. (I know I always say that.) Project meetings, studying for Econs, doing NPD assignment, YCC preps, Kiangpin's birthday, and next week, its time to head for camp again! WHOOHOO!

I love my boyfriend very much. =)

Happy 21st birthday WANG! =DDDD

I'm glad we managed to pull off this whole sequence of surprises. It was damn thrilling I tell you. I must act like totally calm and composed when I know whats going to happen next. Like when sitting at Manhattan Fish Market, I had to pretend I didnt know Yiwei was going to appear with 21 balloons. Then at B & Js, I had to pretend I didnt know Khar was reaching with Clarence, Libing and Andrew. Then had to continue being damn excited for Chenlong's grand appearance. It was damn freaking awesome! =D

The company was amazing. Most of the usual Y reading people came. It was so heartwarming to see them taking time out to attend Tiying's birthday surprise. I read on Mind Your Body recently and an article on how to make friends wrote: "Do volunteer work". And really, I think its true. I met this whole bunch of awesome friends.

And I'm so glad I have 2 friends in JC- Tiying and Ah Khar. HAHHAHAH! SO LOSER. But we didnt mind since JC. We roam around doing retarded things that make ourselves happy. No one else could enter cause we were just in our own world. Pon class also must pon together, despite how obvious it is. I always have like super alot of fun when I'm with them.

3 is not a crowd. It is just right. =)

I will wear what they are wearing every other day.

Its horrible when I'm sick.

Cause no one will think that I'm sick. I have no idea why but people tend to not believe that I'm sick. Like when I say things like "I'm feeling horrible", people will just ignore what I've said and continue talking to me about other stuff. Its damn weird.

Must I sprawl on the table, scream in pain, whine in agony then people will realise that I'm actually unwell and start giving me some necessary attention? Like maybe just keep quiet and let me rest or sth.

I totally flunked my CAT paper today. Say hello to F.

I'm screwed. Just hope Samuel calls me soon. =(

BYEBYE YILING! See you when you return from your hols. Eh no, see you on SKYPE! =)) Have all the fun in the whole wide world there. Sooner than you know it, you will start not wanting to come home. HA.

If I am 30years old now, will love have a different definition to me?

Will I be looking back at my relationship, feeling embarrassed of the stupid things I did and felt? Will I be thinking of how childish I was to be sad over minor stuff? Will I laugh at how much I thought this relationship meant?


Or is this what I will still feel when I'm 30? Will I look back and not reflect at all cause I'm still in the rut? Will I still think the same way as I do now? Will I still think love is bubblygaygooeygumdrops? Or is love practical and rational next time?

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

And the CNY festive funfun play gamble eat slack shit is over.

CAT midterms on Wed which I'm so unprepared for.
Not going to see Samuel until god-knows-when.
After Wed, my holidays for a week begins. Holidays without Samuel.
I am not happy anymore.

I see alot of confinements and what nots coming. I see them coming but I cant stop them. I have to embrace them. And I hate it. =(

I was right. The pain of suffering another breakup is unbearable.

Happy CNY and Happy Valentines! Despite the cough and horribly dry and itchy throat.

Samuel is backkkk.
I am happy!
=))))

I love my boyfriend very much.

I was deprived and I had to touch my camera.

My thoughts were pretty random today and I started missing my Japan trip with my family after my Alevels.

This CNY, I shall be good to my family and to my boyfriend.

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time

I've not been nice to Samuel. I know very clearly that hes not to be blamed for anything cause he is in camp and I shouldnt doubt him. Sounds more logical if he doubts me cause I'm out everyday with different people, having fun. He has not doubted me at all. But I accused him of his lack of love for me.

I dont know why.

Hes been very very very nice to me. He calls me almost every single night. He smses me if he cannot call me. He tells me he loves me everyday. He spends every saturday with me. And I think cause he knows I'm unhappy, he very willingly said he will pay for a dress that I like. Its not cheap and we dont usually buy expensive presents. He tries to make me as happy as he can alr but I'm still so mean.

I think distant relationships need alot of hope and faith. I am just afraid that one fine day, we will stop missing each other, get too carried away in our own work, and not have the need for each other anymore. I dont want that day to happen. But I keep thinking the day is about to arrive.

I need reassurance. Something that is not easy to give.

I shall just accept the fact that theres no phonecall tonight.

I'm not sad or what la. Just that cause I'm anal and when I wait for something, I must wait till it happens. When he cant call me at night, he will let me know the day before. If not then he will sms me before he sleeps. So I guess hes not asleep yet. So does that mean if I continue waiting, theres hope?

Hahahha. I'm really a pain in my own ass.

I think after hearing Samuel, I'm starting to miss him all over again. =) I think I still enjoy missing him.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere'

Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear'
Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad'

Til I look at my hands and feel sad'
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days'
Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you, I don't feel so alone

I dont feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past

I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Owl City- Vanilla Twilight

If Samuel sings this to me, I will just melt away into nothingness.

OMGWTFFFFF!

Just when I finally sent my CV, in all hopes to get an internship from her, all ready to take on the world and whatever shit that she may reply with, the other company calls.

SMU rule: must accept the first internship offer.

FUCK. I have an interview on Wednesday and I dont know what to do. I want her to reply first! I want her internship first! I dont want the other company nowwwww. Not now, its just not the right time. If you offered me say last week, I would have happily gone for the interview and most likely get happily hired by you.

Now, NOW, NOWWWWWWWW that I got hopes for the other, you decided to call me up. AHH WTF MANNZ. I dont want you to hire me. I dont want you to be my 1st offer. GO AWAY.

The thing is I dont know how long she will take to reply me. And when she replies me I dont know if shes going to hire me or not. Its a prestigous company after all. Its totally ambiguous now.

But if I got for this interview on Wed, I am 90% she will hire me. Its a small puny company which will almost definitely hire me after the interview. I think she sounds absolutely please with my resume. DIE LA. DIEEEEEE.

Screw up the interview? But what if the other decides not to hire me in the end, then I'm back to square 1 all over again. And I cant act for nuts. Its damn bloody fake to answer dumbly in an interview. "what are you capabilities?" "eeh, I think I got none." HOW CAN!

Postpone the interview? You think I can bluff her saying I'm sick and I can only go for the interview a week later? But, will the other call me by the week? What if she doesnt?

DIE LA. FUCKSHITBALLS MANZ. I'M SO TROUBLED NOW. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I CANNOT CALM DOWN. I AM ALL OVER THE PLACE AGAIN. I DONT WANT THE WEEK TO COME. I DONT WANT TO GO FOR THE INTERVIEW. NOT NOW. AHHHHH!!!! I NEED SOLUTIONS. I NEED HELP. SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!

I dont want to miss Samuel. DDD:

I'm down with like terrrrribly flu. I really wonder where all the water come from, it just keeps running out of my nose. Its really like free flow of water. And it makes me tired and drowsy. It makes me sweat but feel cold. =((

Times like this, I just indulge in so much self pity. So much so that the excuses become reasons. Reasons, become facts. And facts cannot be ignored.

Its like I feel so sick and I need more rest. Its purely an excuse. But then I can make it seem so real. So now I'm spamming tissue and acting like a wimp on my bed, telling myself it is okay not to study cause I'm unwell. Then I tell myself, you can be emo today cause guess what, its another week before you can see Samuel and you didnt see him this week. And I become weaker.

I'm such an irritating bitch.

The number of blog posts I have is inversely related to the amount of time I spend on the phone with Samuel.

Things I must complete today:
-MR
-Read NPD

We'll see at the end of the day.

530pm: I cant do it. =((

I'm very thankful to have friends who keep encouraging me.

I can be rather insecure when it comes to certain academic stuff but they keep reassuring me. They make me feel braver. They make me feel like I can do anything I want. They help me press on for my persuit of bigger dreams.

I feel alot more on the ground now.

=)))) Spent my no-boyfriend-Saturday with Mar YCC people. It was very good bonding time. And dont you think its damn amazing that no one in the above picture is wearing black or white?

Stop behaving like a kid.
Stop whining when Samuel cant call.
Stop looking at short term happiness.
Stop holding yourself back.
Start planning.
Start plotting out what you want in life.
Start taking on real challenges.
Start accepting changes.

Just grow up la.

I miss Samuel.

Breakfast with Rachael at Canele. =) We are amazingly gay la. Waking up early on a sleep-in day just to spend some quality time with each other. And damn, I'm craving for the mushrooms from the omelette now. Zzzzz. And we learnt a new word today "Chantilly".

After which, being super nice to Jean, I headed down to NTU.

I was totally cheated by Kunloong and got myself roasted in the hothot sun. He told me to alight at the 5th busstop where there will be a overhead bridge. So I counted dilligently and at the 5th busstop, no bridge in sight. So I waited till the 6th, still no bridge, so I decided to alight. Ended up, I was supposed to be at the 7th bus stop. Seriously, it was terrrrrible walking so far.

Had lunch and headed to ADM with Jean. I told Jean I am too pampered by SMU and I felt like Paris Hilton at NTU. I was so used to having escalators, flat tiled ground, nice cushioned chairs in the library, air con everywhere at SMU and when I'm in NTU I felt soooo out of place. SMU is making me too much of a city person. And I realised I've not travelled out of town for a damn freaking long time.

Went to Ikea after Jean's lesson and we shopped for our imaginary home. So gay it felt like 500 days of summer.

I'm so sleepy recently. I think its because Samuel is tired at camp too. I secretly think our bodies are connected by an invisible bond. I really think so lehhhz.

".....Which means that you really will be working. Our philosophy is this: if you're good enough to succeed in our application process, then you're good enough to assume responsibility. Could there be a better way of meeting your future colleagues than working next to them on an internship? You can count on them to show you around and show you the ropes. After all, they recognize potential when they meet it. You can expect to take part in real projects, real decisions and contribute to real meetings. This is your chance to shine......"

I will just send in my CV.
If its good news, its good news.
If its bad news, its also good news.
So why hesitate?
Send it in today!

I must grow up and step out of my comfort zone.

=))) I shall hereby officially declare the closure of CNY shopping. Its super funny shopping with them. Kiangpin wasnt in the mood so she was super disciplined. Sabrina and I practically went crazy. Its horrible. Like committing a sin after another sin.

I need to start studying, for real.

The BIG Mar YCC committee family, and there are even more members in it. =) I enjoy camp meetings alot, even though it tends to recede into the late night. I feel like a kid during camp meetings, and I find a certain kind of joy seeing 'matured' tertiary students being kids during meetings too. They play, scream, laugh, do forfeits as if its a damn hip thing to do. There is no such thing as a perfect image, a certain way you have to talk, or a professional confident impression to portray. You are who you are and we like you that way. Seriously, I can really understand how shocked Jonathan was when he first joined us, he practically jumped out from his seat when he saw us cheer. Its like a different world, a world of differences but differences are embraced. There is nowhere else like home.

After being leader, camp commandant, progs and now logs, I tend to compare the various roles and which do I feel most comfortable with. Of course, people around me when I'm that role plays a very big part in swaying how I feel about being in that role. I think I like being camp commandant the most.

Not being like haolian or anything hor, this is just how I feel. I particularly enjoy knowing every single detail of whats going on. I like leading the committee so that they can lead their groups. I dont know why I dont get alot of that kind of feeling when I'm a leader though. I like the image in my head when I step back and look at the whole camp having fun. Be it in Apr or in Sep last year, I will always take a bit of time observing the whole camp, and I will just smile to myself, and feel super touched at whats going on. And give myself a pat on my back for bringing people in to help others. I like leading friendly discussion during meetings. I like listening to your suggestions then merging it with mine to come up with a conclusion. Seriously, typing this down gives me a very high andrenaline rush.

But as for now, I shall still try to keep my mouth as shut as I can. HAHAH. They deserve to go through the same exploration experience I went through. =)

And I will really enjoy my time being logs.

Usually when the day ends every Wednesday, I feel the weekend alr. And I feel so happy for school to have snatched my time away without me knowing. But this week, the sense of relief wasnt felt.

I feel like crap.

I went through 3 long days and what!? I'm still 7 days before Samuel leaves Tekong and 10 days before I can see him. When I realised that, I just crashed. Its like luring me with a packet of sweets, only to be told that the sweets are all mint. Its that kind of crash and burn feeling.

Nonetheless, I shall not deny that I have alot of fun taking up my schedule until Samuel returns. My friends are super sweet. =)

And the moon shines bright in the clear blue sky and all was bright and gay..

At least we are looking at the common sky and the oh so loyal moon. Dont you think its amazing how the moon accompanies us every night when its dark and scary? The moon just lights up the whole sky for us. (I know la, its the sun doing the work but I dont care.) I love the moon.

The moon can look like pizza, cheese, pie, and alot other yummy stuff. It makes me happy. At least today it is really making me glad that the moon exist. Perhaps on other days I will feel melancholic and despondent when I stare at the moon alone at night, but today, its making me smile.

I was on the way home on the bus, not feeling anything, desensitised after a long day in school. Then as I peered out of the window, I saw the dimly lit moon hanging very low in the sky. And at that moment, I felt so close to him. I felt this strong sense of attachment. I felt as though I was looking out of the window that he was looking at too. =)

YEAHHHH SAMUEL CALLED AND I'M OVER THE MOON.

Omg I think Samuel is super cute. He called me thrice but I didnt manage to pick up. I was soooo depressed and I just wanted to kill myself. Then I read his sms, it was like really meant for me at that moment. He asked me not to be sad for not being able to pick up his call, not to worry for him and he told me the moon was pretty today. =))) Then after a while, he called me and the first thing I said was "AHHHHHHHH!" and the first thing he said was that he loves me. =) I think he must be taking a major risk calling me cause he was whispering super softly unlike the usual times when he talks to me normally even after his lights out.

I think Samuel is very special. He may be very quiet and to himself, but he cares alot about me. =)))) I love my boyfriend and I'm contented.