Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
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De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

Blarh Blarh Blarh.

1 million primary school kids outside the shop now. Its some Skippy Peanut Butter skipping rope competition. So noisy, its like 1 whole pasar malam right at your doorstep. I'm drowning in their noises. And theres this group of kids playing erh 7 up. Is it called 7 up? The clapping game that has alot of numbers in it.

And you know why my boss ask me to work today? Cause shes bringing her kids to watch some show at novena sq. I wonder what show. Puppet show? Magic show? Mmmm. I've no idea.

Oh theres this primary school that has ugly brown PE shorts. Like Mud brown. And its like bubble shaped. Damn ugly. Ohhh alot of these kids have like handphones. I wonder if I even knew the existence of handphones when I was that young. Gosh I'm so bored, I should like join the kids in their clapping game.

And you know, theres like this new icecream shop opposite me now. Its called "GelatoSole", heard its opened by some Germans. Mmmm. The icecream looks gd. Oh ah tiongs in the shop now! Whooooohooo~

I'm like typing out all my thoughts out here. Dumping ground. I'm going to start typing my resume later. Maybe I should do it now. Nah. I think I need a nap first.

I hope my boss wont pop by later. Or else she will think I'm sucha slacker using my laptop. She doesnt know that theres no business here at all. I still stand and be nice when there are customers.

Wah got 1 million kids skipping rope outside the shop. So scary. I should go scare them. HAHAHHAH! "Can I join you guys?" HAHAHHHA. Omg the mental image is hilarious.

I realised I'm soooo busy all the way until end of June. Happily busy of course. Hope I wont be tired out before Y Camp begins.

BLARHHHHHHHHHH. Oh gawd, no sales at all. I'm going to break the record. Pressure leh. I should start smiling at customers instead of my laptop screen alr.

Its very dangerous to blog nowadays cause my blog has popularised. =/

I need to write my resume.
Blarh. But I'm so lazy.
No resume, no job.
No money, no life.

HAHAHAH omg I'm stuck in my own imagination again. I'm just wondering how much more can I tolerate playing and going out everyday without any purpose. I need to do something to occupy my time more abundantly. HAHAHAHAH.

Write resume. I told myself that 2 days ago. WRITE IT NOW. I think I need to go out and do serious work. I can never do work at home. Home is comfort place.

BLARGH. I can only be hardworking outside. No wonder my whole family thinks I'm damn lazy.

Just a random thought, I realised Samuel and I dont look alike alr! I used to think we look similar, thats why we look like siblings. Especially when I look younger than him.

I decided to stop self-healing and visit the doctor. My fingers look like mini sausages now, I was so afraid I couldnt remove the ring on my index finger. And my toes and whatever joints in my feet is making me have some difficulty in walking down the stairs. Omg, I just realised the joints in my arms are so stiff that I cannot scratch my back. HAHAHAH. Damn it.

So glad my Mum gave me leave today. Not having to wake up to sweep and mop the floor is just so amazing.

I have this phobia of seeing the doctor. Cause I watch too much sad shows alr, and I scared I will enter the clinic feeling normal, but leave the clinic, diagnosed with some disease. Then I will not be myself anymore. I should stop imaging things.

Edited: I'm back from the clinic and I do feel abit different. Swollen joints + pain/ stiffness = arthritis. The doc said that if they get worse after 5 days, I need to go for an arthritis test. The young can get it too, only thats its rare. I better take my medicine dilligently and hope all things go well. Gawd, I dont want to have the elderly illness. =( And worse of all, its chronic, so its long term treatment. NOOOOOO. Lets just hope that its just the laggy virus in my body that is causing me to having aching joints only after I had my fever 1 week back. BOOOOOO =(

Baby, you should've called me
When you were lonely
When you needed me to be there
Sadly, you never gave me
Too many chances
To show you how much I care

HAHAHAAH. You know, I really love listening to oldies on Class 95. Its like I rush to my room to switch on the radio for non stop love songs. And this particular song, Fool Again by Westlife, was a song I related to in Secondary School, when Samuel and I quarrelled.

I relate songs to different moments in my life. Like when I listen to familiar songs, there will always be an image from my memories in my head. Nostalgic feeling.

http://www.autism.org.sg/training/training_details.php?course=090708-fundamentals-eipprisecsped

Anyone interested to learn the Fundamentals of Autism with me? =D I'm actually feeling so very excited about this right now.

I'm interested to know what goes in the mind of an autistic child, why the repetitive actions, what are they actually thinking of when they stack items up, when they look at actions, when they react to different words. Is there some form of meaning to them? What appears to be ridiculous to us, might have so much meaning to them. I mean like I'm sure whatever they are doing has some purpose, only that being lonely in their own thoughts, no one else understands them. Isnt it very aching to know that there are people being un-understood at all?

I think its good to satisfy my questions and attend this course. Time to learn again.

Yesterday was beyond amazing. As we walked out of YMCA yesterday, I suddenly realised there were 19 of us there, all ready to head out for dinner together. Its like woah, so many of us?! And when we walked down to Bugis together, even crossing the road was quite a problem. HA. It felt so nice and heartwarming. Like the most successful outing ever, EVER.

It was like the young, middle aged and old (in terms of experience), all mixed together and have hell lot of fun. It really was like 3 generations all kiap together, sweating and eating like pigs at Tian Tian Steamboat which eventually evolved into Tian Tian Court when we had to interrogate Kun Loong.

Its also nice that Kun Loong eventually decided to join us with dinner. =) Bonding with my buddy makes me feel less insecure about the camp, its like 1 familiar person there with me amongst all the new strangers in the group. I can predict tonnes of photos this time during camp, my buddy is 10x a camwhore as I am. Yining, more air time for me alr. HAHAHH!!

And Wuihou, Yinghui, Chaos and MJ joined us too which was damn awesome. Like we are really one BIG family. =D

More of such outings!

Some people are just WEIRD. Of course, weird people make me so much more appreciative of the people around me.

If you dont have a heart to do so, why are you asking me if you should do so? If you are showing me your insincerity and indifference, why should I consider having you around? And the worst thing is you dont know where you stand at all and you actually think you are up there.

Honestly, you are still far. Dont think connections can get you anywhere cause you still need to prove your capabilities.

I'm a humanified organiser. I work by the day, by the hour, by the task. If theres something written down that I have to complete today, I better complete it. If I dont, I will feel guilty and miserable and soon when everything piles up, I will just give up and strike everything off.

So, I must work day by day, hour by hour, a task at a time. Thats perhaps why I look forward to the various task or dates I have to go to. I like that feeling of accomplishment. Say for example, if to meet Yining to talk about Y Camp is in today's page, and I completed it, I will feel damn happy. HAHA. But today's talk kinda stopped halfway, so the happiness is not there yet. Yining, we need to meet again soon. You will be so sick of me when Sep approaches.

But at least I met Zhenling today and I feel good about it. Boy do I miss working with Zhenling. And when we were struggling to format the word document into tables, she said "wah brings back memories" and you know what, it really does. How the two of us just crashed into April Y camp, and bummed ourselves out. How we just whacked and see how things will go. Its how we struggled together that made everything so memorable.

After talking to Eileen today, I felt abit more clear about what I was feeling. How I'm starting to expect unnecessarily for myself, how I want things to be like before but the more I want it, the further it will be from me. The more I want to be relaxed, happy but still doing my work, the more I will be stiff and inflexible and boring and inefficient.

I guess stress from April Camp will be very different from stress from Sep Camp. In April, I was new and I felt I shouldnt be taking the camp, I had negative feelings about my abilities and felt that the people around me are all more capable than me. I couldnt gain any attention and respect. And my tiny efforts were all muffled by the huge efforts of others. But still, I learnt from all of that, grew up from it and April Camp was a blast. Now for Sep camp, I predict a whole new set of stress. Shall not mention any yet.

Its time to think what I want from Sep camp. Sorry Yiwei. My mind is in September alr. HAHAHHAH! Omg no la. I'm getting rather excited for June Camp too. I guess I was just feeling a little tired today, you know, my antibodies are still fighting hard to kill the viruses.

I weirdly excited to work with Kunloong. =D

Its time to let go off myself again. After I settle what I need to settle and stop letting things pile.

Yeah, 5 yrs time. HAHHHAAHAHAHA.

I just dont like being wronged.

And I dont like getting scolded for something I didnt do.

And I dont like being scolded for something I didnt do, in front of everyone else.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I'm glad its over. Misunderstandings are a whole lot of a headache. Suddenly friends become enemies all out to kill each other. Just because what you think is not what I think but you thought I was thinking that way and I thought you were thinking the other way. Gosh, doesnt take me long to know its a misunderstanding but you just have to insist in your way and continue bulldozing your way through.

Hot headed, petty boys, who do not look at facts before they act should be extinct.

I'm kinda glad Samuel prevented me from sending a hate mail out, or else I will be just like you. But of course, if Samuel wasnt beside me, I think I would have just declared the next world war.

Whoohoo Whipped potato tastes so good.

Okay I'm slowly but surely recovering. Its a pity I still had to stay home today though. I had like a bad headache throughout the whole of last night. Really terrible. Its now suppressed by panadols. I tell you, I've never eaten so many panadols all my life la. Its scaring shit out of me. But its really an excellent medicinial invention.

As I'm typing this in my living room with the main door open, I'm trying to not focus on the 2 students just outside my house. Seriously, highest floor of a HDB flat is soooo not a good place to make out. WHY? Omg man. The giggles are pissing me off. I guess sick people are most irritable. If I have a gun, I think I will just shoot them. HAHAHAH. Omg, I'm such a violent little person.

The weather is oppressive today, makes me muderous. You see, I should start going out alr.

I get bored so easily, I get upset with myself.

2 days straight stuck at home and I'm bursting inside alr. But I'm thinking if I'm fit enough to head out tomorrow. Honestly, it may seem like tomorrow's meeting is not important and it can be postponed to any other day. But, I want to make sure I capture the feelings back. I dont want to delay it anymore. I've caused it to drag on for quite sometime alr, I'm afraid the passion and drive will just keep fading away. However, it is quite tiring on my part cause I feel like its only my effort, my initiative, my own decision.

I want it to happen cause it is wrong to deprive them of this 2nd opportunity. I want them to know that it is not only through big events that can help, small events and outings can make a difference too. Perhaps through this, I can see who can join the next one too. =D

Oh well, I hope it will really happen, soon.

Feel like eating watermelon now. HAHAHAHHAHA.

Society is making it difficult for me to be myself.
If its me you are demanding from.

My body is rejecting the environment.
I'm hot when the wind is blowing.
I'm cold when I'm hidden under sheets.
I'm tired when its bright and sunny.
I'm awake when the night approaches.
I'm hungry when its bed time.
I'm full when its meal times.
I breathe in cool air, but exhale hot air.
I sweat but I'm freezing.

KILL ME.
BANGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

I should not have ignored the tell tale signs. The cough, the backaches, the fatigue. AHH. I need to curse and swear and curse more and then swear again. I really feel like shit now la. Like I dont know what I can do to make myself feel better. I just lie in bed, stone, use the laptop, stone more, nap awhile, like an absolute dummy without a soul.

Ah I want to be well again quick.

Oh crappp. After weeks of fun and laughter, not so much of peace but alot of joy, I'm down with a fever. WOAH HO. Felt kinda weird when I reached PS with my family just now. Just abit sneezy and abit pukish. Thought it was just normal cause of the lack of sleep.

Then the starhub at PS was sooo freaking cold. But we stayed there for like 2hours? My dad, my bro and I were all getting new phones with new plans. Oh yes, I got a new phone! Screw the old. But I actually I kinda miss it, being screwed up and difficult like how I am. And of course I miss all its contents =(, all the msges I saved over time. Ya so I stayed and shivered at the starhub place and but I totally had no idea how harmful that will be on me.

And I lao sai-ed. I'm like Shaun the 2nd, my stomach has shrunk into a belly button. I had no appetite for dinner at all. And I think oreo milk tea made everything worse. HAHA. Why the hell did I drink that, I rreally dont know. My sister's temptation was too strong.

I decided to sleep early like all good patients do. And then 2 hours later, I woke up feeling absolutely disgusted and weird and terrible. Its this weird sickly feeling and you know that its not right. Took my handy dandy thermometer and secs later, it beeped back to me "38.4 degress" WOAH HO!

Super shocked and still in a daze, I went to find another thermometer, and as I was searching, the news was reporting more cases of H1N1, with some officials taking temperature for some suspected patients. Great. Confirmed temperature, 38.0 degrees.

I'm still very shocked cause I dont feel THAT bad la. Okay maybe I do. I feel utter crappy and like a piece of boiling shit. And when the wind blows, I feel like I was going to freeze in my jacket and long pants and under my blanket.

Sometimes I really wonder why must I act so strong. If I'm sick, I should just collapse and wait for someone to pamper me. I guess I can be strong in front of all, but when I see Samuel, I will just whine and whine and refuse to move and force him to sympathise me and carry me around. Dear, Where are you? I'm suffering from why-you-go-chalet-and-leave-me-here. =(((((

Oh craps. WOOO I'm floating.

I think I need anger management, loneliness management, laziness management, expectations management and like or other types of management. Sometimes after do certain things, you just look back on it thinking if you should have done it in the first place. Then you regret, but you just cant do anything to erase it off.

*Okay side note, I'm typing in absolute darkness now cause Jean and Yiling are sleeping alr*

My back hurts like zzzzzz now. Its been hurting for quite sometime alr but it just got worse today. I feel like an old lady now. (HAHAHA! Ageism!) But I really wonder why my back hurts la. Its not muscle ache, cause its been there for sometime alr, like weeks? Is my posture wrong? Are my bags too heavy? ZZZZZZ.

I'm like handicapped now. =(

Okay I'm female and I'm exaggerating things. Maybe not. AHHH Slap me and knock me out. I'm like super afraid to crack my back now, I scared if I crack it, I will be permanently paralysed.

Ohhhhhh fish. DAMN PAIN LA.

Just a whole lot of crap and none you will be interested of. Just a few paragraphs of my afternoon thoughts.

After entering Uni, peer pressure and peer influence have risen quite a fair bit. Whatever others around you do, its better that you do, so that you guys can have common topics to talk on. If you dont follow the crowd, you just get left out and you just drift away cause you are not interested and they are not interested in you either. More often than not, I get kinda left out. But I've found friends I'm very comfortable with too.

Why is it that the higher level of education you attain, the more you start conforming?

When I was primary school, I had ugly toot hair and I didnt care. My uniform was not worn in the hippest way but I really dont care either. I dont play catching with the cool kids, I just play hopscotch with my bunch of friends. Cool prefects didnt button their first button when they wore their ties, but I buttoned mine anyway. But its really fine.

In secondary school, I still wore my skirt long, when girls started folding their skirts and revealing their legs. You get exposed to vulgarities but you still turn a deaf ear to them, let alone take it up. I let myself explore stuff on my own. If I feel like doing past year papers, I will do them, if I'm just too lazy, who cares. I'm not going to do them. If I feel like throwing my textbook on the floor after lesson, I just throw it. And that explains the mountain of books beside my desk.

In JC, I had the ultimate group of friends, untouched by our surroundings. Okay I only had Tiying and Khar. But we didnt conform. JC kids may want to look hip and hiao, but we didnt really care much. We were so confined in our world, we did things the way we wanted. Our birthday surprises did not have floating balloons (which seemed like the in thing), we had jigsaw puzzles and a whole lot of other crap. But we didnt care.

Now in Uni, the pressure to conform just gets higher. Everyone just becomes so similar to each other. I cant remember people by their names, so I try remembering by distinct characteristics or say the clothes they usually wear. This becomes so hard as they are all the same. And then, your friends start going clubbing. And next, they try to promote alcohol to you. Yes some people may truely enjoy such habits, but if I dont, should I follow? Of course everything is worth a try, I will try entering a club one day. Yes I may fall for it, you never know.

Point to note: I'm not criticising drinking or clubbing. If you enjoy it, you dont have to resist it. My brother has loads of vodka and what nots at home and I'm perfectly fine with it. He was even a bartender once, so no issue at all.

And people start dressing up in brands, esp their bags, its like you can feed the whole of Africa with all their branded bags. (Exaggerating but you get my point) More and more friends are starting to trot around in Gucci, LV, Kate Spade, Guess and so many more which are still unknown to me. Am I supposed to learn to love this culture, so that I can be part of this new lifestyle that Uni people should be in.

Honestly, how many times do you step back and realise how similar you have become to the people around you? Its like one fine day you just go "Oh my, what have I become? Do I even know myself anymore?" I guess its really important for one to know what he/she really enjoys and really believe in, and not are just go with the flow. I dont want to wake up and find myself stranger.

I really wonder what provoked me so much. But I think cause the new batch of SMU people are entering school in Aug and it just made me think of how I felt when I just entered. What drunk people making out in SRs after camps, puking all over the toilet bowl seats, joining activities to clear their CIP hours quick, seniors from different CCAs bugging you to join them cause they offer the most CIP hours, girls parading their materials on matriculation, fake smiles, fake lifestyles, fake identities.

I've recalled why I hated SMU so much then.

I thank SMU for them. =) So sad Carissa couldnt join us due to work. She ought to give us some allowance since she got a spanking new job at the Bank. Heh.

I love spending time with them. They are those type of friends that will make you feel good about yourself, they make me happy being thin, make me comfy being myself. =) We are like damn bimbotic around each other. Its so amazing to be relaxed from your usual intellectual self, and just act like nothing matters. They make me feel so honoured to have such pretty friends. Its like they totally understand how terrible it is being thin, like floppy sandals. But in the end, we will still be thankful for who we are and make sure we can still look good like that.

When are we going out again? Do I hear the ZOOO? Heh!!

And now Kiang is recapping all about her r/s to me, and it makes me feel so gay and bubbly now. I remember very clearly when you first told me you miss me, first time you touched my hand, first time you held my hand, first time you hugged me, first time you kissed me. Its strange how I dont remember the first time we quarrelled. =)

I'm a sucker for old English love songs.

It just sets the right tone in my mind, helps me multitask better. Its like I dont have to focus on the songs playing at the background, dont have to try so hard to figure what the lyrics are, everything is so straight to the point and all the lyrics are naturally at the back of my mind alr. I can sing them out loud without recalling.

Old love songs make me think more too. But its all happy thoughts. Makes me cherish the present more, makes me so lovey dovey, makes me want to love everyone around me even more. Makes me think that everything in life is actually just so simple, we shouldnt complicate things.

Sometimes its just us that makes everything so difficult for ourselves. If we can let go off ourselves and just let the world move us, perhaps life will be way more true. =) If we can let go off expectations, we will not be disappointed. If we let go off hatred, we will learn to love. If we let go off burdens, we will be alot lighter.

I'm so proud of myself. I let go off a few worries today. I finally did some work and feel more relieved. Ning was saying that she thinks I'm a more task oriented person. Sad to say, I have to admit. Gawd damn it, I am so task oriented. Honestly, if I got something to do, I will be so burdened by it until I complete the entire task. I may procrastinate, but I wont procrastinate happily. I will be so dragged on so much so that I will just face it and complete it in a flash. I'm such a weirdo. I'm so lazy but being lazy makes me more frustrated day by day. But if I chose to be lazy, who am I to be frustrated. Its like a never ending cycle of self blame.

Right now, I should learn the art of balancing. Holidays but I still have serious stuff to do. Responsibility eh? How about abit of maturity too? Ha.

Time to take out my pencil and draw a sample of the com tshirt. =)

Time check, 3am but you know what, sappy love songs can make me go on and on all night. Cause I cant bear to turn off the radio. HAHAHHA. I'm such a whimp.

"If you call me Dear."

=)

Credits to Yinghui for taking such an apt photo. Madness at the Y was extreme. Poor Hazmi. All the youngsters always get bullied.

Going out everyday can be extremely tiring. I'm like tired to my roots alr. Its time to pay my sleep debt. But the weather is murderous, its destroying my urge to sleep.

No matter how many times you tell me, it is just too strange to me. I just dont want to be influenced so great that it becomes the assumed truth to me. Assumption on one part is very dangerous. It makes everything so cautioned, so rigid, so awkward, just so very unnatural. Perspectives of an individual can not be fully trusted cause when you believe it is so, somehow or another, you will just think it is so. Its just how much power one's mind have. Upon hearing a rumor, you keep thinking about it, judging everything about that subject of rumor, then your brain just tells you that, omg, the rumor is true! Thou shalt let it happen to me. Dont want it to happen to me.

Throw me your evidence, and hail your witnesses. HAHAHH! (after thinking, I think better not. Dont let me know anything anymore.)

But honestly, I'm still very amused by it. =) (but abit disturbed. HAHAHAH!!)

If I receive this amount of helium balloons for my birthday.......
Heh. If they are those plastic ones that are sold at party shops, that kind would be even better. But the amount must not slack. Hints to the whole wide world.

Still feeling the party mood in my head. =))))

Went to crash a public speaking course at Y confidence today and omg manzzzzz. TIYING AND KHAR, if you guys are reading this, OMG MANZZZ, Ben (you know the 0601 weird guy) was like the instructor of my group. I dont know what to feel la. I was like about to burst into laughter at any point of time. But its like sooo grosss. His condescending look just reminds me of how he sings the National Anthem so loudly every morning without fail. And I remember there was something about him sneezing into his hankerchief then wiping his face with it. I cant really remember. But omg la. HAHAHA. Joke of the century.

And I was like "Ben, do you remember me?"
And he went "of course, how can I forget?"
HAHAHAHHHAA. Its so amusing.

Boy, I'm so tired today. I think I can snap my fingers and fall into deep sleep.

And I think my stomach needs a break. Its churning and tossing and turning and flipping. But at the same time I'm feeling hungry too. Gosh, what am I to do. I feel like eating, but my stomach is so confused. Booooo.

I like this feeling of freshness.
Unfraid of how expectations never matched reality, cause there arent any expectations to start with. Reality is blurred.
Boundaries are not fixed, nothing to be accountable to.
Not for the sense of responsibility, but for the sake of fun
and just for the sake of love.

We used to walk the streets, knowing you will hold my hand cause you have to.
We used to expect alot, cause we are obliged to fulfil them.
We used to call every night, just because it is a routine to do so.
We used to compromise, cause if we dont we will end up quarrelling.
I used to call you Dear every sec of the day cause Im just so used to it.
I used to msg you cause I think its just right to do so.
I used to be mad when you forget our mthsaries.
Can we not be just so used to each other?

I dont want to be disappointed again.

I love you, can we not be together?

Bye April Y Camp! Memories of it stalk me for quite a while. =))))) Omg I've not send a thank you email to the volunteers. I can so imagine Yihan stabbing me with the stern look on his face. ZZ. HAHAH. I broke my promise.

But yeah, our April family is amazing. Love them all.

I cant wait to meet Aud and Lu tml!! More girly time, and I can go crazy again thinking about what to wear tomorrow. HAHAH. I sure miss the creative side of me. The me who just keeps thinking about permutations and combinations of different outfits. The expressive side of me who wasnt afraid of darting stares.

Oh how I miss them so so much. Its like we can not meet for like donkey months but when we meet, we have like so much to talk about. And how we can just openly camwhore just because we want to have more photos of each other together. We need to collect like 365 photos jsut for Yiling. Yes, We talk about boys, about clothes, about school, about plans, about more outings together. =) I cant wait for all our plans to be fulfilled. Jean: Write down in your organiser, next Fri and Sat. D-I-Y summer boot camp. HAHAHA!

So happy together.

The purpose of blogging is just to let my feelings out. Let them be real and tangible. Its not to evoke pity or sympathy or concern or any sort. It is not to publicise my problems. I'm the type of person that do that like my feelings to be shown to everyone so I blog it down. Dont come up to me and ask what happened cause I just dont like sharing. I dont want anyone's perception of me to change, I'm still my usual self, with an issue on hand.

I'm really okay. Thanks for all your concerns.

Will you just talk to me again?

It pains me when my Dad asked when you will visit him again. He bought you stuff from Australia and is dying to pass them to you.

Ha. I still told him you will be coming soon.

I'm having a whole truck of confusion in my brain. I'm not happy.

Is it really going to end? Will it end in this episode? Why isit now? If not now, will it be later? If not now, will it ever happen? Is it strong enough to be now? What is strong enough to make it now? Will I be strong enough if it happens? Will I be happy? Will I ever be happy? Will you be happy? Will we be in pain or will we be in relief?

I miss you so much.

Make a decision and dont look back. But which decision should I make? I'm steered towards both sides. Its like I want to drive left, but I cant. I want to go right, but I cant too. And I end up stuck right in the middle of nothingness.

I'm glad I have friends around me. If not for this great bunch of friends I've made from doing com srv, I think I would have just crumbled and died. Cause I've not many friends to rely on now. People were never interested to understand me more cause I've always looked happy to them. People were never truly sincere to support me cause I've always looked strong and care less. The truth is that, I need alot more strength and courage now. My pillar of support is gone and I'm flesh without bones now.

I am really not strong enough. I wont be able to handle it. I cant survive tomorrow. I cant do it. But, it seems perfectly fine with you. I should really stop thinking and just shut down now. Maybe I should not even wake up tomorrow. I cannot handle this. I'm not used to crying alone. I need you to hear me cry over the phone. What if I get that mental malfunction again, whos going to get me out of it? I've let myself become so dependent on you all 5 years and now I'm going to step out alone.

I cant.

I went to sleep feeling restless.
It felt good waking up before the Sun today. Made me recall how excited I would be in the past to wake up and put on my uniform and head to school. I have so much ringing in my head. So many what ifs and maybes. So much ambiguity and I dont like it. I struggle to find my own answers, resulting in just more harm to myself. Follow my heart, but what if following my heart might make me worse off next time? Do I still let my heart take the lead? Mind over heart or heart over mind? I'm such a dork, seriously. I do things to hurt myself, more hurt than I can take. But I just take them in anyway. Then I go to sleep with the burden of the world, wake up like a zombie, and still hurt myself the next day. The more I hope, the more depressed I get. I hoped for yesterday, I hoped for today. Everytime you are close, I just hope more. Just maybe you will drop by to say hi, and let me know that you are still around. But the more I want to bump into you, the more I dont wish to. I dont know how you will look at me, I'm afraid we will just walk past each other like strangers. I'm female and an ultimate loser and weakling. , I dont mean what I say. How I wish you will call me up, drop me a msg, wait outside my doorstep. I will give in all over again and pretend nothing happened. "MINDS benes are very real. They let you know if they are happy or if they are sad, we should learn from them." when I said that today, I knew, I can never be like them. I hide tears with laughter. But being alone now, I cant hide from the truth. I love you so much I just dont know how am I going to live tomorrow. If anything happens, I will just have to learn to live all over again.

Its like a kid jumping as high as she can to reach the top shelf, where her favourite candy is. She jumps and jumps and uses up all her energy.

Or like how if you donate blood, and you dont feel like donating a full bag, so this other donor decides to donote more to compensate the amount. She donates and donates and donates, till she's no more blood to spare.

Or like you are stuck in a well, hands gripping tight on bricks so that you wont fall right into it. Its either I bleed and force myself to climb upwards, or I just let go and fall straight into darkness.

Or like a car stopped by the red light of the traffic, it stops there, being so ready to accelerate. It waits and waits, but the light just doesnt change to green. The petrol in the car just dries up.

Or like you keep telling yourself it will rain tomorrow so that your plants will grow well in your garden. You keep pining for rain, but months after, rain hasnt fall and your plants have withered and died.

I've been missing you all day and I wonder if its the right thing.

So much as I want to run into your arms and bawl my eyes out, I'm forcing myself to keep my cool. I can manage on my own. I dont want history to keep repeating. If you dont step up, I think I will just keep stepping down now.

I'm really fine. I hope I didnt make you guys worry too much today. I will be happy tomorrow.