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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

Dinner at Holland V's Wendy's and Gastronomic cakes for dessert. =))) Its nice to be able to hangout with my work friends even after work. I can see Smelly everyday 1030-7pm and still have dinner together, then meet her again on the next day. Its crazy. HAH. But sometimes, you never know, what seems like friends forever now, might be shortlived. Afterall, I'm ending my internship and shes retiring next Sat. And then, its up to us if we want to meet up already. Oh well, we'll see. (I sound so aloof but no laa, we have so much kick ass fun together, we'll try to stick together.)

I'm in delusion that Samuel is not going away.

I think my brain has not installed the fact that Samuel will be gone for 15 days starting this Sat. I think its the big event I have this Sat at work that I keep wanted to be done with. I keep thinking Yeah this Sat will be over soon! Then suddenly I go, OMG, once it is over, it just means Samuel will be flying off.

I dont know what I am feeling.

If this blog entry is coincidentally replying someone else's blog entry, it is as said, coincidence.

Let me start with a quote, 'Too many chefs spoil the broth", sth like that I cannot really rmb la. But yaa, that was how I felt. And worst thing, the head chefs were not the ones changing or being properly informed that the other chef changed the recipe. I dont mind if the soup doesnt taste good, but I feel miserable if the people drinking the soup drank it and spat it out there and then.

The head chefs are responsible of what goes on, where, what ingredients, where were what logistics, if it suited the people who ordered soup, if the soup was in line with what the chefs wanted to achieve, if the waitresses/waiters serving the soup knew what was the ingredients. Afterall the waitresses/waiters were the ones at the frontline, any spitting will also be spat at their faces. And afterall, if the soup wasnt what was expected, the head chefs will be the ones whose heads will go rolling. Reputation of the restaurant lies in their hands cause people know they are the head chefs.

The head chefs trust the other chefs involved, if not, they wouldnt give them heavy responsibilities, but once the other chefs start cooking the soup, they get carried away. All of them have a great love for soup so they will naturally add stuff in once they see something a little off. Thats also the reason why the head chefs chose them.

So here I am, the head chef. Not being mad or pissed by any chef, just hoping that things could have been clearer. If you say "Maybe spring onions will add flavour", it is different from "Maybe we should discuss if spring onions will make the soup better". The 1st one is just a remark, whereas the 2nd calls for a change.

And as one of the head chef, I need to make sure that every soup taste good. So if the other soup need loads of spring onion, maybe we can discuss and possibly add parsley instead of spring onion to this soup. And if we have decided together that spring onion is to be used, we can then allocated the ingredients properly. If one chef call another chef up saying "just add spring onion", the chef wouldnt add anything else and then the soup wouldnt taste good too. Ah see, breakdown.

The head chefs know the timeline, the people involved most clearly. So it is fair to discuss changes and not inform us of changes. People are born defensive, but if the changes are do-able and for the better, we will approve it, just discuss first.

Okay, head chef done here. And rmb, everything here that is similar to what you read somewhere else, trust me, it is coincidence. HAHAHH!

Oh wait, before head chef signs out, I must say, I'm really not pissed la. I just feel that its a great pity that progs would be much better if we've discussed. Logs could have been allocated properly, manpower could have been better informed, and I can update my heads better too. Just a great pity cause its my last time doing it, and I needed it very badly to salvage the whole situation too. The one prog that I'm most worried of ended up right that I worried about it the most. But ya, really no hard feelings

Oh lastly, Head chef HATES chefs who do not turn up, without informing and just happily think that all's great. FUCK YOU, no.

Centre parting ftw!

2 blog entry inspired by Eileen.

What is stealing my joy away?

1. Controlled timings to meet my bf.
2. Unsure about my future- Business vs Social Work
3. Have been thinking about too many What Ifs but not putting anything to work.

First one, cant be helped la.

Second one, when I do community service, when I see progress when I teach someone, I feel a great deal of satisfaction. I am a people person, I like to be around people. I want to learn more about people by interacting with them. I want to be a special needs teacher. However, when I talk to Smelly Socks about setting up a business, setting up a boutique cafe, setting up a quaint looking shop, selling our own designs, I get very excited too. I know it is possible. We even researched on jewellery making and sewing classes. I really want a small space to call my own. I'm confused on which do I want. Probably both.

Third one, its my unlimited source of inspiration running through my head. It just keeps running, it wants me to start doing something hands on, it wants me to make stuff, wants me to plan stuff, wants me to start living my dreams, but then I dont get to do it.

Oh well, the end.

Its been quite awhile since I got inspired to move even further and jump even higher.

Uni Y FOC at SAMH was awesome. I was so freaking nervous before it cause I must say I didnt put my 100% effort in it, but I did 1000% worth of troubleshooting in my head before the visitation. So it was really tiring and brain draining for me for the past few days.

But I must say, the freshies were awesome. Its like I kept telling them to just keep smiling, since they are there, just do their best and dont regret about anything. So they really did, they smiled like crazy and the benes smiled like crazy too. It was absolutely heartwarming and fuzzy and nice. =)

Friday will be even better.

I met up with Eileen to talk about Camp Heros III (Ya, theres a name to it now). I must say she always have this ability to dig stuff out from me that I never knew. I realised I have been volunteering with YMCA for 5 years already and I've stopped challenging myself there. I go for an outing, do my thang there, and leave. Its like if its not a challenge, I wont give an extra thought to it, I wont want to change things, I just do it like a routine. Its not that I dont love the benes anymore, but its that I know what will make the benes happy so I just do it. Not being overconfident but I dont feel the same adrenaline rush when the benes treat me like a superstar now. Its like "ya they know me, they always knew me, since a few yrs ago." So yaa, I dont make myself impact them more so that they will remember me as their friend.

So yes, it is a right choice to take up Camp Heros III. I want to inspire more people, I want to befriend and mentor (HAHA, Eileen your fav word now) more people. I want to know that its not what I did in the past that is making the benes love me, but its what I do now, that will make them start to like me gradually.

I guess SAMH was awesome cause I didnt really know the benes there. Oh but I must say I still recognise some from Y Chorus few years back. Ya, I didnt know them, they didnt know me, but I conducted games to make them smile. That made me smile.

And I want to start influencing new volunteers again. If I treated progs like a routine, I will never be able to influence or inspire. I guess theres always a time for goodbyes, and I guess I've kicked enough asses in Uni Y and in YMCA, time to go.

MIND Cafe with some of my internship friends. =)

I love my boyfriend cause he just made a BIG promise. Its a huge sacrifice for him. HAHA! But he suggested it himself so its extra sweet. He promised to take at least 1 photo with me everytime we meet. Sounds easy but he doesnt like taking photos but I love photos, so he made the promise himself. =) YEAH!

Okay it seems like I had a horrible week. But nahhh, I had my fair share of fun.

Had YCC meeting on Tues and of course all YCC meetings are fun! And we randomly ended up at Chom Pang (spelling looks weird) for Nasi Lemak supper. We were on our way home already and suddenly when Yan An alighted, he said "let me see if I can get the car", then everyone became more hyped up and started planning for real.

Met Dear on Wed cause he had lights out. =) Both of us havent been feeling too healthy lately and ya, its time we do something healthy. Okay more like me la, time I do something healthy so we are going to cycle tomorrow. We were supposed to go somewhere fun tomorrow but the tickets are sold out already, thats why I was sad on fb.

Went to Suntec to collect my Specs on Thurs. And Ning said that they will be meeting me after their movie. I had no idea who 'they' were but I was surprised by 'they'. Its like all familiar people. Hazmi, Gaz, Wuihou and Ning. After dinner at Fish & Co, we went to meet Deric and Yan An for Starbucks.

Today is a hapz day so shall blog seperately. Ha.

Okay, let me blog about the meeting I went ytd.

I was told that there will be different youth representatives of various places: SMU, NVPC, GAHA, YMCA. Okay turned out last night, 6 SMU, 1 NUS, 2 I duno from where. WTH so many SMUs??? Fuck.

The SMUs behaved like the typical SMUs that I die die wont do projects with. Then I realised that I need to work closely with this SMU girl. Oh no, I meant SMU snob. The typical oh-im-so-smart-and-rich kinda girl. The way she looks at me its like I'm some beggar from outer space. "I'm Yr 3, and ever since I've joined SMU, I've been volunteering like, mm, like forever!" Oh pulease. I've volunteered since I was in JC and you call that forever? I dont even call mine forever.

And the thing is its weird cause the people there seemed to have met up privately before cause they all know each other. So they say things that I completely dont understand, duno wtf are they talking about. Its horrid.

I was completely turned off to the point that I wanted to just quit and give this whole thing up.

BUT NO! FUCK. I'm going to stay on and be best friends with her. ARGH. I'm going to make my worth in the committee and make the most out of this worst pile of shit ever.

Okay come let me blog about my experience at C2D yesterday. Beware of the great angst k. HAHHAH! I'm not typically like that, I like my volunteers in general. I believe in trying or at least look like you are trying.

I am not being proud, but I really dont blame myself this time round. I always tell myself "I could have done more." but this time I really dont. There werent alot of time fo facilitation and bonding and self intro la, so I did the best I could with the limited time and my limited voice frm my sore throat.

I was tasked to take charge of a group of volunteers. Age range: 13 to 25? Something like that. I was like okay chill, no issues. So when I sat my volunteers down in the usual circle, everyone was staring at me and my blank face. I was like Holy moly shit, what am I supposed to do. Okay I got them to introduce themselves and I started hearing things like "Im a regular with Bishan Home", "NUS Year 4", "RGS Sec 2". Okay mmmm, great mix of pros and not pros. Great, I will be able to help the new volunteers better cause the pros can be left alone.

WRONG.

Okay so when I was telling them the dos and donts and how to communicate with them it was horrid. I was telling them that usually we are very animated and open when we communicate with them, giving them hi5s all the time. The pros rolled their eyes (I thought cause they know all of these, they went for handicraft progs with BH) and the noobs rolled their eyes (Sec 2 kids, puberty, dont want to do stupid things, looking cool is the most important thing). I just ignored the eye rolling cause in my group was Phuong, volunteer from my Jun YCC group. It made me happy knowing that she was still volunteering. Okay then the benes came.

OMFG.

The pros are soo proud. I asked them to all pair up with a bene. Then I asked those volunteers who were sitting alone who their buddies were, and they just pointed at a random buddy far away. WTF. Had to shift them literally. Like "You maybe you want to move over and sit with him?", I kena ignored. So after a while I asked again "I think you should sit with him". Thank goodness I didnt go "CCB you want me to carry you not?" The youngsters look about afraid but they were trying, so I was okay with them.

Then during dance.

OMFFFG.

This PRO BH volunteer literally just stood there beside her bene. STOOD THERE LIKE A ROCKWOMAN. I asked her if she could involve her bene, she said okay, and didnt do anything. So I thought maybe she didnt know how to, Im still in disbelief cause shes a PRO volunteer. I stood behind the bene and moved his arms, so that he can dance and improve his motor skills. Just get him hyped up and not feel so helpess cause he was lost with the steps. I told the volunteer "mayb you can do this with him too", she said "okay" and did nothing. WTF MANN! So I danced with her bene instead. She just kept rolling her eyes when I was trying to hype up the bene. Nvm, ignore her fucking eyes, my bene was smiling.

And later, during break, she disappeared, then her bene disappeared. And she came back asking me where did her bene go. You should have known that you shouldnt leave him alone? Oh and this volunteer, later she went to be chummy with another bene. I guess shes only friends with benes she already knew from her previous volunteering experiences. Wth man. NUS girl, how old already? Why so proud, make new friends la! And when her bene went missing, I asked her whats his name and she went "I dont know. I cant decipher what he was saying." And she said it in a very despising tone. FUCK MAN.

Seriously, she is not the only one. The other PRO volunteers were practically not dancing, not dancing with their bene. I reallly should go to their faces and ask them "hello do you really care to dance?" When their benes go up to stage, they just ignore and sat there. When the others danced, they didnt cheer. Cheering is for free, just give and make someone else happy la! When its the other group's turn to dance, they just sat there with their bene, they could have engaged their benes to clap along and not just be so aloof.

Then when everything ended, the PRO volunteers gathered to announce their new chairperson. I dont know how the other volunteers felt.

I had to leave early, or else I swear I will have a very bitchy drill some sense into your brains kinda debrief. ARGH.
-------

Okay pissy tone aside. I dont know if its my own expectations of volunteers. I should be glad that they are there physcially, showing their face and 'doing' community service. But on the other side, it just pisses me off that they dont seem to have the drive to go the extra mile. Cant they just do abit more to make their benes even happier? Are the volunteers just feeling intruded cause they are used to volunteering in their own NUS group only. Why cant they help the new kids? Why cant they listen to their SMU leader, me? You should really see their noses in the air, eyes rolling thing. OMG MAN.

Okay I'm chilled, just disgusted. I'm sorry NUS that your students are behaving like that, spoiling the image of NUS. Sorry BH, but this group of volunteers is spoiling the image of your volunteers.

Oh and on the volunteer from Jun YCC, Phuong. I was soooo touched when she tried so hard to dance with her buddy. I was dancing with her at first then later Phuong came to me and told me that her buddy had to go off with the nurse, so I passed her my buddy. My buddy wasnt easy cause she was non verbal and she doesnt really smile, let alone dance. But Phuong really went all out to dance with her. She stood behind her buddy and held her arms to help her catch up with the dancing. And I saw her buddy smile. Omg man, it was like priceless. Phuong didnt give up at all and I feel soo touched by volunteers like that. =))

*Breathe* I must also reflect upon this la. I will make FOC good.

No, there is a photo today!

LONG day today and ZERO photos. Rare.

Rushed out for Care 2 Dance this morning, woke up terribly late. Wasnt feeling too well, throat badly sore, weak limbs, forced myself out. Gastric started hurting during dance, affected performance, couldnt do my best as a leader to guide my volunteers. But some volunteers just pissed me off real bad la. Yes, they have been volunteering for long, but why arent you engaging your bene during dance? You can actually just stand there and do nothing when your bene is right beside you, waiting to learn something. Pisses me off big time. And I dont like volunteers who roll their eyes, period. I can roll them back at you. But I dont, cause its basic manners.

Chionged off to st gab and met Yiling there to meet Yunting. Time flies, Yunting is like a adult and shes a teacher already. Time really flies. Felt like an old hag there. HA. Nothing much, went there just to see what kind of environment Yunting is working in. And to see how detached I was from pri sch.

N&B tau huay with Yiling at familiar Serangoon Central, the place where we hang out pretty often back in the Zhonghua days. Chilling at N&B was one of our favourites then. Walking around there just brings back fond memories of dating back in Sec Sch. Young and innocent sweet sweet love. The shy, coy, nerdy love kinda feeling. The cnt-bear-to-look-at-samuel-for-too-long-I-might-melt-away feeling. I like that feeling. Reminds me of my idiotic friends who tried making Samuel and I look into each other's eyes then. My heart still races now when I see Samuel.

Headed to Chinatown while Yiling left for home. Realised how hipz Ann Siang is, and how mountain tortoiseish I am. The place Jean works at is so pretty and inspiring, makes you want to have your own home/shop and start furnishing it. Waited and waited and waited, talked and talked and talked and it was knock off time. Headed to Town. DTF'ed. And we went shopping. Damn. Horrible. But still happy inside. HAHHA! And when I reached home, I realised my sore throat was okay already. I must have talked my sore throat away.

And the Saturday without Samuel ended. My friends made me happy today. =)

Pardon me for me seeming love for SMU, was down with a cold and was chilling despite the long sleeve shirt underneath that thick SMU pullover. Its kinda like the thickest sweater I have so ya. Here are some of my internship friends, people who make time pass way faster. And ya, we are all about the same age, so imagine the fun we can have together. Its like a mini party. =)

CHIO TTM. Her hair, her face, her damn fucking chio headband.

Why cant my head look good with headbands? Look like an idiot whenever I attempt to wear one.

If you are in the mood for some retail therapy with minimal damage, go to Cine's Editor's Market. Shop like crazy there. But grab a couple of friends to go with you, dont suffer like Yiling and I. HAHHA!

Its like if you buy 18 pieces, you get each piece for about $9-$16. Like wth prices mannz. I got like tops for sooo cheap, even a dress for my sister $10. I might even be able to buy all 18 pieces if I stay there long enough mannz. But Yiling and I had a great time there yesterday. Give it a few more weeks and I hope got new stock, then I can go there whenever I'm feeling down. HAHAH!

I had fun with Yiling yesterday. We talked and talked and its a pity Jean wasnt there.

And yaaaa, I am down with a freaking sore throat. So much for being emo.

HAPPY MONTHSARY DEAR! =)))) I've been looking back at how we've moved from NC16 to M18 to R21 together. It doesnt seem very long to me cause I enjoyed the process so much that I didnt count the days. Its like people go "Wah 6 years!" but to me it doesnt feel that long. I hope we will remain this way and not get into any fights soon.

I hate it when people enjoy calling me skinny, like they use it as a joke, they use it to entertain themselves, they use it as conversation topics cause they are too dumb to think of anything else to say, etc. Honestly they just use it all the time. Its as hurtful as me laughing at your fats.

"You so skinny, wind blow sure fly away!"
same as
"You so fat, got hurricane you sure very safe!"

"You must eat more, later become like Val so skinny"
same as
"You stop eating leh, you are so fat already, I scared you explode!"

"You are so boney!"
same as
"You are like a lump of tumors!"

So the next time you decide to tease me for your pleasure, think again. Not only do you hurt someone, you might even hurt yourself. Cause I'm sick of people using me as means to make themselves feel better of their fats. Just you wait, if you are unluckily the next person who make fun of me, you might just unluckily get a jab in your guts and not look at the mirror anymore.

I dont believe in laughing at your fats cause its your sensitive spot and some people are born certain ways. No matter how much I laugh at your fats, it wont vanish. So stop making people feel bad about the gifts they are born with.

Yes I may say I dislike fat people in a certain way, but I dont go to the fat person's face and say "OMG YOU ARE SO FAT!"

Whenever you tease me, your friendship level just drop 1 million levels down into hell.

Hi friends,

If I look moody or rather mood less, please forgive me. I dont know why I wake up sleepy these few days, wake up sian, wake up without a drive, without the energy, without the motivation to wake up and kick some ass. I just want to sleep in, and basically do nothing.

I just keep thinking how pathetic I am without my boyfriend. Okay so loser. I keep thinking about his confinement, his guard duty, his Thailand trip. How school is going to reopen without me having enough rest, without spending enough time with my boyfriend. I keep thinking of how bad July sucks compared to June. And our anniversary will be spent seperated again. He was in China last year and this year, he will be in Thailand. I'm sad and pathetic.

I'm trying to be smiley and gay. But I guess I must stop trying. Trying makes things fake, makes everything thought through. Let it just flow naturally and I will be alright again. But I'm glad for friends being with me all the time. I'm actually v thankful for my internship friends. Smelly Socks (as what I always call her), she just laughed at a bunch of FHM girls with me. We really just screamed "FUCK SO GROSS" damn loudly, cause government's not in today. HA.

I'm okay la, not an emo freak, not some depressed lil child. Just being too much a thinker these days. Thinking makes me tired.

I miss my boyfriendddddd. D:
He will be confined this coming weekend for an exercise.
He might kena guard duty following weekend.
If not, he might also kena guard duty the weekend after the following.
Then sooner than you know it, he will be flying off to Thailand, leaving me lonely for 15days.

Sigh.

This blog post is for Ning and Guosheng.

Sorry I made the surprise unsuccessful. HAHHA! I shouldnt have pangsehed you guys, and I should have acted blur when I received the 'ambush' sms. So funny. But it made my day la. Its nice to know that friends are putting in so much effort to try to surprise me. The thought of wanting to surprise me and make my birthday special is really heartwarming. I'm not sure when will this surprise happen again, I'm watching my every step, watching your every step too. But even if it doesnt happen, it has already been part of my memory of my 21st birthday ya.

Chaos in purple trunks, Shaun and his 21 leg hair and Gaz in his Chunli outfit. I will try to picture it. And why is my surprise so gross? Still got campfire structure. HAH. Even if all these were to make me feel bad and are unreal, I will just pretend it happened k. HAHAH!

I enjoyed my time with Samuel yesterday though. =)

This blog entry is for Rachael.

I brought my camera with me but without the mem card inside. =((

She came to find me on Monday for lunch at District 10. Another place I want to check out but I dont want to check it out on non work days either cause its near my workplace. Thanks baby for the lunch. Its like if I graduate now (I wish la), I'm proud to say I have a friend from SMU that will talk to me everyday on MSN. HAH!

Thanks to my internship friends. =))) This cake was baked by one of the cashiers and it tasted like heaven. Damnnnnnn shiok cheesecake.