Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

Hehehehe. This picture just tells it all. I really miss girl talk and just lounging around. How I miss feeling like a girl. HAHA. What a joke, but its the truth. Finally, I get to go out with girly girls, wear a skirt and still feel underdressed. I love my pretty friends, they always make me think that I'm pretty too. Which reminds me of what Shaun said last night. =DDD

'.shaun.. on the wane says:
u all are not unpretty, but u are all super confident wif urself to do super high and crazy. it take loads of confidence to do it. those pretty girls out dun do coz they dun have confidence. whereas women wif load of confidence are infact pretty and beautiful.
SO, u all are pretty and beautiful women full of confidence. KEEP IT UP!!!!!


WTF. HAHAHA!!
but soo sweeeet.

Finally, I'm settling down and feeling most tired. =)

I found the word that made me walk out of April Y Camp so satisfied. The word is Influence. I felt that I was truely the bridge between com service and the volunteers. I felt that I was able to let my passion show and it was genuine and pure, right from the heart. I felt it, leaders felt it, volunteers felt it. It was not only from me, it was from the committee, and then it was from the volunteers. Not being egoistic but I sincerely felt that I made this difference, the chain reaction which started from me. I never knew this was possible. The smile I gave to everyone resulted in the smile that the leaders gave their groups, which the volunteers then gave to their buddies. Same as the dance move I make, resulted in everyone dancing too.

It made tolerating my gastric pain so worth is. So So very worth it. Everytime before I show my face to the crowd, I tell myself I have to be high, if I want the camp to be high, I have to smile, if I want the campers to smile. So the moment I jump out of my sleeping bag, I will be happy. And to me, that worked alot. Its the same as Ning, Tricia and Rachael stepping out of the life with a smiley face. =)

It is not the power of control that is giving me this rush of emotions, it is me just being myself, being sincere, being true to what I believe in, that unconsciously gave me this control. I did think of influencing before the camp, but during the camp, I allowed myself to just have fun and just be myself. Its amazing to be able to influence just being myself. You know? Its like I didnt force it, the more you want to influence, sometimes you just cant. Let nature do its work, if you are real, people just get influenced.

Its just like if you want to sleep, you must not keep thinking you want to fall asleep. It is if you are truly tired and let yourself rest, then you will fall asleep.

This amazing feeling I felt after the camp was that the volunteers came feeling nothing, but left feeling ready to help more people. The passion that the committee showed really rubbed off them. The progs really worked to act as a channel for them to interact with IDs. The whole camp had met its true purpose and we were the ones who made it happen.

Yes, 36 benes may be very few. But we maxed out the happiness of these 36 buddies. I can swear the looks on their faces really showed me how much this camp meant to them. The looks on their faces gives me extra strength to lead, to make everyone high, to shout without the microphone. I like shouting without the microphone, makes me feel like I'm on par with everyone else. Using the microphone makes me distant from them and like I'm above them. I like it when different people are using the microphone. It means that we are all in an environment where everyone was comfortable to lead; no darting stares, just wide accepting smiles.

And another thing that makes me really happy is that I got to talk to each leader individually at least for a few secs. It means alot to me cause I dont feel good leading a group when I dont know them. I just dont see a point in leading a group of strangers. Why should they do things for me when they dont even know me? I make an effort to be friends with them despite the short time we have together. And I feel that I did what I can and I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that we can actually be able to drink honey and gossip and laugh at each other. That few short mins I spent with the leaders meant alot to me. Its like I feel so much better after being nice to them. I think its just me, I just have to keep the word 'welfare' in my mind. I'm a softy. HAHAHA. OMG man. So much self praise.

And another reason why I feel so good was because I guess the camp managed to strip the volunteers off their backgrounds. Its like I dont care where you are from, we are here to help and to have fun too. Its so nice that till the end of the camp, the leaders didnt know which course or which year are their volunteers from. I dont see this as the leaders not knowing their volunteers enough, to me, this means that I've meant my target of a nondiscriminating camp, a camp where all volunteers have only 1 identity, the identity of a helpful individual, an individual who sincerely wants to help society.

To me, YCC April is a legacy. It has really brought community service to life again. It has made life so simple that everything was happy. Everyone was cherished and loved. Everyone could just be themselves cause they are loved for who they are. This is soo clearly seen from the leaders. Nomis can be so gay but we still love him. Ning can be so experienced but we still love her. Tricia can be such a little girl but we love her. Ben can be so out of the blue but we still love him. Rachael can be quieter than the rest but still, all of us love her. They get to be who they are, using their own styles, I still accept all of them. And I believe that it is because of these difference that made the camp such a success.

One worry I had was the differences among the people at camp. I believe I did blog about differences before the camp and Im so glad this camp taught the beauty of differences, at least to me. Honestly, I felt so much at peace with the people around me. To be absolutely gay, it is just like how all of us are happily floating around in this bubble of love, safe and comfy with each other. HAHHA WTF. So gay.

Many compliments for myself but of course I do regret some stuff too. Lets leave regrets for myself. I know what these are and I will make sure I wont commit them again. But the most regretting part of it is that these regrets were in my head when it happened, but I didnt do anything about it. I allowed it to progress. ZZZZ. How horrrrrid. Just say, I'm a very sensitive person, sensitive to my environment and the people around me, so I noticed things. I can be over sensitive at times too. Most of the time actually. =/ But then, I'm very slow to react and I like to procrastinate. Thats my bad habit since young la. Point to note, note to change. But quite difficult to change. HAHA.

I wont let this legacy end just yet. I believe in capturing feelings back. I believe in doing something bigger. Since the committee has been the bridge for the volunteers, it is not fair that we break the bridge just like that. I believe there are people who still want to use this bridge to cross over.

Okay let me list some stuff which make me smile:

1. Nomis going "Red Axe Oui!!" to me online, thinking I'm his volunteer.
2. Rachael telling me about her buddy carrying plates for her.
3. Nomis saying he dreamt about his buddy.
4. Hearing Rachael scream damn loud during campfire. =D
5. Nomis saying his buddy is going to put the Red Axe flag in his living room.
6. Rachael's buddy running back to the canteen to grab Yellow Spear's flag.
7. Ning's buddy who shitted in the cubicle floor. HAH.
8. Green Shield's volunteers and buddies sleeping on the bus, heads on shoulders.
9. Ben's buddies performing at campfire. I love this the most.
10. Green Shield singing "I Love You" before dispersing.
11. Ben's buddy stoning and smiling to himself.
12. Buddies dancing with their flags.
13. Buddies rushing up on stage to dance.
14. Break dancing buddy so proud of his moves.
15. Volunteers and buddies "fighting" with their balloon swords.
16. Ben's buddy in ultraman PJs.
17. Ben's buddy trying to do kakugeikupiong and it scared Huda and I.
18. Nonverbal buddy holding the microphone to sing.
19. Seeing buddies putting their best in all the games.
20. Hearing leaders share during debriefs. =))

Side note. OMG MAN Everyone is asking me about dancing at YCC. I dance cause I want to make everyone high. You must be really high then people will dare to be high too. Its only when you are high, then everyone can really be themselves. Shows that they broke out of their shell alr.

All in all, I think I've grown up after this camp. I've grown more than just an inch. Its an unmeasureable amount which will take me a long way. Gosh, I feel so old alr. Old and naggy. Soon Yiwei will complain about how naggy I am. Even Eric thinks I'm naggy. I'm just overly concerned at times. Care too much, so its a good thing. =)

Now I've sorted all my thoughts. I will put in my 100% into June Camp, cause YCC June will be sooo much more amazing than YCC Apr. Why? Cause we grow after every camp, whats the point of having another camp if theres no extra omph in the next? I cant wait to teach my group Cheekucha.

HAHA I'm done. Finally done. I hope all my thoughts are cleared. If You are reading this, Eileen, I'm done. =D HAHAH!

Have you ever wondered if it was ever fair for someone to be born thin or fat? Have you wondered why are some people just shaped like that (ignoring the food they eat)? Isnt it a wonder to have people of different shape and sizes?

Hahaha Sometimes I really find it amusing to just stop talking and just keep thinking about how strange life really is. One moment you are feeling a certain way, and the next moment you may be feeling something totally different. One moment you may be very confident of yourself, the next moment you might just feel like trash. Life is just this amazing.

This holidays is very different for me. I've not yet dressed up and head to town, not yet chill at Starbucks and just chat with my friends, and the most surprising thing is that I've yet to go shopping, yet to paint my fingernails, yet to do girly stuff. Perhaps I'm different now. I want different things in life. Material satisfaction just dont fufill me anymore.

I do hope that this is just for a moment cause non material satisfaction comes about more rarely. I want to be the old me who is happy with a dress bought, happy when she paints her nails.

I cant wait to meet up with Lu for nails grooming next week and I cant wait to meet Jean on Monday. I miss old friends. And I'm starting to feel that many of them are drifting away. Its a sad fact that I just have to get used to.

And Yeah I'm finally sleepy. After being too high for the last few days, I'm finally sleepy and will sleep peacefully tonight. I think my thoughts are sorted and diluted alr. Peace.

Gosh. I'm blogging again.

I've decided that reults really dont mean anything. They wont make me sad, cause they are just numbers. They wont make me THAT happy cause I wont remember my results 5 years from now.

Its the once in a lifetime experience that will follow me all the way to my grave. I wont lie on the hospital bed thinking about my past results, I will lie and thinking about the moments in life which I enjoyed.

In my head it just replays..

"Hands up! Palms together! Elbows together! WHAT MUST YOU SAY??"

Last 3 days and 2 nights were just amazing. Nothing can describe how I felt throughout the camp. To be perfectly honest, I was totally immersed in the fun that I did not even remember to panic. It was just beyond my imagination. I never had soooo much fun before.

Whoever said com service is not fun, should join Y camp. Its funner than anything else in the whole world. Its more satisfying that a holiday, more excitement than an amusement park visit, more everything than everything.

I really dont know how to write this blog entry. Never before am I so overwhelmed with feelings of all sorts. So it will be very haphazard ah.

First and foremost, its not about me being sadistic, but I felt very satisfied and relieved when I saw people cry on the last day. The feeling was woah when I saw that. It was so heartwarming and touching when not only buddies were crying, even this male volunteer teared. It was like OMG. My committee and I really did it. It was at that point when I knew all these didnt happen by chance. This committee was formed for a reason, we were there to make a difference and we did it. Volunteers really felt the true esscence of com service, and the buddies were really happy.
Having such thoughts in mind, I just couldnt control myself and I actually cried before Yining. There were many points when I just feel like crying in tears of joy and cause I was just too touched by everyone's efforts. When the buddies were leaving and the volunteers waved to them, I just couldnt control anymore.

And to me SMU students are like stones. Now that the camp made them cry, I felt like we successfully made them into marshmellows. Nice sweet ones.

I'm feeling so lost now. It feels like Y Camp didnt happen at all. It was just soo good that it feels like a dream. Feels like it was my ideal Y Camp, the way I want it to be but never thought it could actually come true. Its really like a once in a lifetime kinda experience that I will never forget.

I felt that I learnt ALOT in these 3 days. I've learnt to step up. I've learnt to just let go and not bother about anything. Its really okay to just be yourself, just do what you think its right, just trust one another. Trust was what I relied. I trust the leaders to lead their tribes, I trust logs to prepare for meals and progs, I trust progs to conduct activities, I trust first aiders to save everyone, I trust Zhenling to be there with me and remind me about everything and just be my great right hand woman.

I believe that I've really found my passion. I found direction that I will want to take in the future. I want to manage. I want to lead. I want to do more com service. HAHA. Maybe I will be like a kids camp instructor next time. You never know. But I really enjoyed leading the camp. The adrenaline rush. You just keep giving and not expecting anything in return. Its only when you really give, then you will subconsciously realise, actually you are also receiving alot in return.

I really appreciate this chance to do YCC April. If you tell me theres YCC April part II tomorrow, I will pack my bag now and be all hyped up again. =) I can do YCC marathons.

I want to really thank all the people who have been supporting me during these 3 D 2 N as well. I can never thank them enough. The prog-logs people are amazing. They can cover anything for me. Anything, Anytime, Anywhere. They are like holding up the sky for the camp all the way. I can always count on them to prepare items, get the camp all high and everything. I'm so thankful for them. Like really extremely thankful. Besides that, they kept caring for me too. Its like they will keep asking me to sleep early when they are still busy. And they even sacrifice their toilet privacy to let me use the toilet. HAHAHHAHHA. Damn awkward to pee in the male toilet but I'm still thankful.

I love YCC April. The people, the progs, the place, the food, the music, the dance, the emcees, the balloons, the company, the laughter, the cheers, the tribes, the everything and everything and I really meant EVERYTHING.

=) It was just so amazing.

Oh and celebration dinner was very fun as well. Despite the gastric pain and the very very sleepy me, I still managed to laugh so much that my voice just went more and more toad-like. Not sure cause they had not enough sleep, or they are just easily amused by their own jokes. This 7 metre joke went on for the whole night. HAHAHA. Its jus so amusing to see how amused they were. Go suck your fake bread.

Everybody goes "CHEE KU CHA CHEE KU CHA CHEE KU CHA CHA CHA~"

Congrats to Dear =)

The water bag has burst, and my baby will be out in less than 24hours time. I'm not sure how or what am I feeling now. Feels like I'm going to get back my A level results tml. Damn weird inside and outside and everywhere. I wonder if Zhenling is as nervous, hope not. Then she can be the calm one tomorrow.

I'm so jumpy now, like popcorns. My mind is like on auto scan mode. It just keeps scanning through everything. So when its scanning, I become nonverbal. I really hope this doesnt happen tomorrow laaaaa. Or else it will be terrrrible. I must be high and happy, I want to rub off some excitment on my volunteers.

I'm not exactly worried, but just very all over the place. I'm not exactly anything right now. HAHAH GOSH. I'm sooo nervous I'm sprouting nonsense.

I'm going to think of the fun relaxing slacking moments and not the public speaking, briefing, planning the flow of the progs part. Lets just all hope nothing will go wrong or out of plan. I need my brains to have quick thinking, but I dont think my brains are calm enough to think of anything good fast. Gosh, I really need to chill lax alr.

Breathe. I got pro people with me, if anything happens, I will have multiple brains and hands to depend on. My leaders are excellent, their grpmates love them. Everyone is great. Whats there to worry about? I'm cool.

I'm really coooool.

Before the camp tml, I should say a few words, just in case I change my mind after the camp. I've really enjoyed the journey of planning and getting pekcek over preparations. I've never done such a thing before after like 20 years of my life, and I guess its really time for me to grow up la. As what Guosheng said, its learning the hard way. Time to grow up Val, and what better way than to organise a camp? I'm glad passion overcome everything else, and I just have to think that its all for making 35 beneficiaries happy, and 35 volunteers fufilled. Besides that, I get to motivate my committee to love doing com service like me!

I want to let my leaders know that even though they are really new at such stuff, its alright cause I'm really new too. We can all learn together and looking at them during visitation, I felt that they can be great leaders too. Its always the first step that is tough, after that, its all about improving and doing better. They've done really well, SO FAR. Hahah. I should learn to trust them, and let them explore for their own too.

All these while, thanks to the angels from Dec camp for helping me soooo much. They really go the distance for me and for this camp. I'm really so touched laaa, I should give them all a big hug after the camp. Its like touched until the ultimate. HAHA. Thanks for being my pillars of support, I know that "tmr whatever happens got us to hold the sky for u". HAH. So gan dong.

4 very important people to thank.

Thanks Senior Mentor Yiwei. I will take note of ur tip and I will show you I can master the skill of duck on water. Thanks for your constant encouragement and your listening right ear. You may be a shy and quiet boi87 but I know you are silently supporting me all the way. I feel very bad getting you into such deep shit when you were only supposed to be in shallow shit.

Thanks Guosheng. Thanks for making me confident of myself all the time. You are always there to help me realise my capabilities and how much I can actually do. Your "see you can do it!" never fail to make me feel more confident. And thanks so much for being so quick in offering your help all the time.

Thanks to Shaun too for being of great help for this camp. Helping with logs, helping with music and helping with songs, and also being the van driver. Think the van issue brought about some problems but thanks for still helping.

Thanks Ning for walking me through this. Cause we both have this lil phobia of leading SMU students, so knowing that someone else is struggling with me, makes me feel better. HAHAH! Thanks for helping me with campfire cause I'm a noob at it. Know its not easy, but you still put in your best for it. When I have problems, you were there to guide me. Thanks!

I owe you guys big time. The most during camp, I be extra nice to you all. HAHAH. Wait long long.

Okay Mr Loh is soo naggy. I'm DONE.

"I want nobody nobody but you~" Traumatising, but way amusing.

I think I have a fetish for disgusting but amusing stuff. HAHAHA.

Things went pretty well today, of course more to be improved on but I think it was up to my expectations. The leaders were all awesome. I'm so proud of everyone la. They were all hyped up and unglam, just the way it should be. HA. The volunteers were unexpectedly awesome too. First timers but still willing to try their best to talk to their buddies. It can be quite difficult for new comers to join a camp with buddies but they are there trying their best. I'm very impressed.

They were really nice too, so nice that it feels like home. Home, meaning like the usual Y progs, where I can just be as nonsensical as I want to be.

This camp will be the best Y camp ever. So good, they will ask us for more. Then, I will consider. HAHAH.

I'm so lazy to pack my bagggggggggggggggggg and the weather is soooo damn humid, hot, unbreathable. I'm going to sleep in the fridge later after finding supper.

WOAH HO HO!

Today is Tuesday, means tomorrow is Wednesday, which means, tomorrow is VISITATION DAY! =DD Time really flies ya?

And sooner than you know, I rather, sooner than I know, it will be APRIL Y CAMP! WHOOHOOHOOO! I'm really excited. Yes I may be really nervous too but I'm certainly more excited than nervous. I'm sure if anything happens, it will just happen so I cant do anything to prevent it. So heck care, and I'm going to have a hell lot of fun. =D

I've never thought I will have this day, when I will lead SMU students. I always feel small in school, trying not to be known, just be a shadow and not let people notice me. But now, its like instant publicity. Eyes of the media for 3 days 2 nights. Its like media cause they will exaggerate things, and will spread news like wild fire. Good metaphor eh? If its good, it will be damn good. If its damn good, it will be GODLIKE good.

I'm sure females can lead awesome camps.

I must thank everyone who has walked all the way with me. Nothing can ever express how much gratitude I have to these people who gave me time and space to grow. Never leaving me aside and always guiding me to be the best that I can. I can be quite whiney and irritating at times but they never kick me aside. Thanks so much. But come on, admit it, I'm damn good in my own ways too. HAHHAHHAA.

Self encouragement works for me. So if I keep repeating to myself I'm damn good, I'm damn good, I'm damn good. I will feel damn good too. HAHAHHA.

Time to put on my crazy coat and be crazy nonstop till Sunday! =DDDDD

K Box today! =D WHOOPEEE! Its like vent.all.your.troubles.and.worries and it does work for me. And I think cause we are all from Y camp or sth, so we sing exceptionally loud all together. Like mass community singing. =/

I think I'm ready to pack my bags and head off to camp alr. Face whatever that comes and just deal with it. Ah I hope this feeling stays with me till Sunday. I doubt it will, looking at myself, I know the next second later, the worried sick me will be back.

Wish me all the best as I step out of my shell and face a new world.

Oh and its a pity we cant video Wuihou again today. HAHAH F* gross but still way addictive. Its like how sometimes you eat chilli, its soo hot your tongue hurts but you just keep eating. HAHA exactly.

Since I'm young, I should learn more things. So this holidays, it will be catered for learning and enriching my life. Perhaps, I will not work. I will just take up courses all over the place and just live for the moment.

But perhaps, I will work cause the smell of money makes everyone stronger.

Perhaps, I should just play all day first, then start thinking about what I want to do next.

Perhaps I should just sleep at home all day and refurnish my room.

Oh my, my thoughts are all over the place again. I need to build in shelves in my brain to arrange my thoughts neatly. Its like I want to do so many things in my head, but I want to do it TODAY AND NOW and not any other day. I have 3 months of holidays but I just want to do everything now, which is highly impossible.

I want all my friends to have their holidays NOW too. (Im certain they want that to happen too!)

Slow down. Time is on my side. I just want to work with colours and patterns again. I dont want to be a cosmopolite, I want to be unique and special in my own world. Time to chuck the SMU mindset and bring in my own factor.

I should stop assuming, knowing that my assumption is 100 per cent invalid and unsound.

I know I screwed Biz Law. I'm going to accept it this moment and be unfraid of the results. Since I'm prepared for the worst, nothing can be worse than the worst right? But seriously, I think I already have a lump sum of 20% taken away from my results. And of course I wont get full marks for the rest. So who to kid me that I will still do fine, cause this time round, I know I wont.

At least for FA last sem, I thought I will do well, but I did horrendously. Now, I know I will do badly, and now I dare not think whats behind C. I know something's behind C but I dont want to even get close to that. ZZZZ. FAINTS. I knew the panic attack meant something.

Alright, since I cant pray for good results, let me pray for moderate results k? Or maybe let me pray to not get back the results at all! All up above, let this moment be the same moment as when I thought I will flunk Econs at Alevels cause I did my market failure question differently from everyone else, and everyone was shocked at what I wrote, but in the end I got an A. Oh bless me, I need to be blessed.

Hope Shawn Ho gets momentarily blind when marking my qn 3. HAHAHAHHA. I said momentarily, so its just for that moment. I'm not THAT evil.

DANG. Val should stop thinking about Biz Law and move on to the second evil, Stats.

I want my room like that. =) Filled with photos and unafraid that the wind will blow them off. I should start buying photoframes and hanging them up. Thats all after I finally get down to pack my room. I'm so gonna set a deadline for packing my room this hols.

Bye bye untidy room.
Hello new beginning.

Thats all after I walk through hell tomorrow and Thursday. Lo and Behold, its time for the papers I dread all my life. To be absolutely frank, I'm soooooo scared I'm going to cry and pee in my pants, then cry and pee again. =(((((( KILL ME NOW. I tremble at the thought that I might just have nothing to write in my paper tomorrow. My mind will be blank and I will just run out of the SR in a frenzy.

Okay lets think of best case scenerios shall we?

Its like you were being your usual self, walking along the streets, trying not to be noticed, when you step right into a drain and fall right through it.

Then shaking your head and thinking to yourself how expectedly unlucky you are (like always), you turned your head and saw that this drain is full of diamonds and gold and rubies and what not!

Then you start resigning to fate again, knowing that this drain was there for someone else to fall in, not you.

Can I fall into a drain of good grades this Sem and shout out loudly, DAMN THIS IS MY WELL-DESERVED REWARD for tripping into a drain!

Weird analogy, I know, but it just explains myself so scrupulously.

I just love these short breaks that I let myself put my intangible wonders into tangible text. Is text on computer screens tangible?

A chef was preparing grilled stork for his boss when his gf got hungry. The chef pitied his gf and gave her 1 of the stork's leg to eat and he gave the rest to his boss for his dinner. The boss was unhappy when he saw that the stork had only 1 leg and questioned the chef.

"Where is the other leg?"
And the chef replied. "This stork has only 1 leg!"

The boss knew that the chef was lying and decided a way to make him admit.

He took the chef out to the fields where there were many storks. The storks were all standing on 1 leg as they rest in the fields. The chef was very happy and exclaimed "See! The storks have only 1 leg!"

The boss let out a shout, and the storks hurriedly let down the other leg to start flying away.

And the chef exclaimed again, "Boss, you should have shouted at dinner yesterday! Then the other leg will appear!"

Is this a fallacy? HAHAHAHHAHAH!!

Omg yes. In case you are from SMU and you took AS before, omg yes this was one of my exam questions today. HAHAHHA. This is the type of qn that makes you feel so much happier after knowing that the paper is so screwed. I choked on my breath and laughed to myself when I read this.

But ya, I still dont know what fallacy this is.

----------------------------------

Damn, I got a strong feeling that I might get lower than my 3.0 GPA that I got last sem. DAMNDAMNDAMN. NOOO. I can only maintain or go higher. I CANNOT go any lower!! BOO. Help! I was still hoping to up my GPA this sem. Okay. I still can UP. I have LTB and CT to up it for me.

All gods of all kinds, please bless me. I've been nice all sem.

Just as always, before my exams begin, let me jot down all the fun stuff I would love to do after it! =D

1. GO OUT WITH KIANGKIANG, CARCAR AND NANA. =DDD
2. Go out with Thrillseekers.
3. Dye my hair red and orange (I should try bleaching!)
4. Go shopping and spree like crazy (Watching Devil Wears Prada made this urge super strong)
5. Visit Flea Markets again!
6. More starbucks
7. Plan 101 dates with Samuel
8. Y Camp- Apr
9. Y Camp- June
10. Uni Y- FOC July (I totally forgot about this!)
11. Meet up with Jean and Yiling
12. Meet up with Aud, Lu, Sh, Ed, Yt
13. Go swimming
14. Meet up with Yunting
15. Meet up with Tiying and Khar
16. Do more com service
17. Go out and play after doing com service, without feeling guilty
18. Do more crafts- paint, draw, create.
19. Celebrate Samuel's birthday
20. Celebrate my birthday
21. Celebrate everyone's birthday!
22. Continue my driving lessons
23. Take up sewing.
24. TRAVEL FAR FAR AWAY~

I just realised, many of these have been repeated previously in my To-Do lists but they've not been done yet. Damn. I must get down to doing them alr. Before I get too old.

Thursday will be here really soon when I can forget SMU for 3 months. =)

I believe that every item I own has feelings for me like I have for them. I'm a dork.

I feel so torn having to decide to throw Old tigger and Old tweety and Old Minnie away. =((( Old tigger was the 1st tigger that Samuel bought for me. Old tweety was bought by my Dad when we went to Goldcoast when I was like 6 yrs old? And Old Minnie is my 1st giant soft toy which I got for my erh, 4 yr old bday?

BOOOO. They are so black and dirty alr but I dont want them to leaveeeeee. But my Mum wants them to goooo. =((((((((( Tigger and Tweety have taken the slide down the HDB rubbish chute alr. Now Minnie is sitting by the door, waiting for someone to take her downstairs to be disposed. (Shes too big for the bin at home.) Theres this part of me that wants to hide Minnie in my cupboard before my Mum sees her.

I'm such a kid. I hope I forget this traumatic experience soon.

Now what?
Rashes all over my both arms. Silent killer. I didnt even know when did they appear but they just did. DAMN grosssssssssssss. Like 1 million bed bugs just bit me. But thankfully they dont itch at all. But it just looks damn f-ing gross, I want to tear my arms off the sockets. ZZZZZZZ

SO PISSED.

My health is in jeopardy.
Sudden chest pains today, so pain I thought I was dying.

But as we know, dying is not a scary or sad thing.
Its just the start of the exploration,
of a new world.

Now it doesnt hurt. Just that my arms feel weak.
My eyes are blurry and I feel weird.

I think its the Stats monster trying to take over me. HAHA.
I'm going to overcome it now.

I was so terribly cute last time. Seriously, reading my past blog entries is so amusing. My Poems are the best man. I should start blogging in poetry again, prose is overrated. I'm so gonna write a poem on how I'm feeling about finals. Poems express more that what normal words can. Irony how its still words, but its the packaging that brings emotions out. Just like right marketing.

Poem I wrote looooong time ago:
To Finish Studying

I'm gonna win this war,
Geog, Econs, Lit and more.
Just dead subjects,
We'll not be rejects.
We will upgrade,
its never too late.
Retain? Dont be lame.

We are going to score,
P geog is just about freeze and thaw.
H geog is just fertility, not forgetting mortality.
Econs is just about productivity, and maybe, elasticity.
Literature is Othello, and being in war, feeling low.
Maths is differentiation, but damn! There's integration.
(See I never liked Math all my life)
Gp is just about crapping in a sophisticated way, Sharma, Sharma, go away.

Promos will soon be gone,
so dont feel torn,
cause as long as you remain strong,
you wont take long,
To finish studying. Yeah.

Do people who dress up have more confidence than those who do not? Or is it the other way round when people who do not use clothes to define themselves have more confidence in themselves?

So if I dress up, what am I saying? Am I saying that these clothes will make me look prettier today? Or am I saying I feel so good about myself I dont mind dressing up and let others look at me?

Do confident people dress better? Just glance around in the bus, it seems that people who put in efforts to dress up are more confidenct of themselves. Is it a facade? Strip them off and throw them some rags, will they still stand up proud to face the world? What are people hiding when they dress up? Or what are people hiding when they do not dress up properly?

Seriously, I think crap all the time. Yiwei always asks me not to think so much. But are my thoughts making me think, or am I thinking cause of my thoughts? This is circular reasoning and its a fallacy. HAHAHAHA. Application of what you learn in school will always help in your exams.

I decided to take time off today to accompany my family. I'm glad I did. My cousins are soooo cute. HEHEH. And they are cuter when they are sweet to you too. Like my cousin left her original seat to sit on my lap at Sakura, and she just randomly hugged me and kiss my cheek, or when she slept on my lap on the way home (Dear see! =P), and how she didnt want my Mum to go back to Norway with her cause she said its too cold, but she said I can go cause apparently its not cold for me. HAHA, things kids say just to get what they want.

Thursday is ending already and I feel like I've not study at all. My memory is failing me. I really think my brain is different from the past. I really wonder if theres something wrong with it. People cant tell how much I struggle to remember things, how I struggle to be as good as I was in the past. I get very pissed with myself cause I just cant do things the way I could last time. I cant speak fluently, I get distorted sentences when I try to vocalise my ideas. Its really weird.

I want my holidays, I dont want to have to remember anything about yester-days.

I cant help but question myself so many times, is it me? or is it you?

Shopping does help relief me of some thoughts. Damn, I'm spreeing.

Okay before I start my mugging routine, let me dump all my thoughts in this dumping ground again.

Y Outing was amazing. Took MINDS buddies to Marina Barrage. Before that I was still thinking what we can do there that will be really fun. But yes, the outing was really enjoyable and relaxing throughout. My buddy was really chirpy as well, so I felt very comfortable all the way. Her attention span is really short though, 1 sec she loves me, the next sec she loves someone else. But there was once when she was with another volunteer, and she asked the volunteer where is her buddy. Omg I was so touched she actually remembered me. HAHA

And there was this moment after visting the gallery and we were resting by the railings, enjoying the scenery and the breeze when my buddy leaned on my shoulder and told me she loves me and that I'm very nice to her. So sweeet hor. Sometimes, I think we should learn from them, gratitude can be shown just so easily. The word Love is so easily said, why do we keep it within us only. We should tell people how much we love them cause you know you really do.

I've been to only say 3 MINDS outings, and I'm really so touched when this other buddy actually remembers me. Since the Sentosa outing last month, he kept coming back to me. So cute la. Heh. They can really remember you and you will be loved by them too. Its only regular volunteers who get to feel this. I think volunteers who come for 1 outing, feel super rejected, then not come back again will never feel this returned love. Its only if you give unconditionally, then you will receive more in the long run.

Feeling still very high after Y Outing, the gang of us proceeded for Y Dance, excitedly. Its like there are no silent moments at all. We just keep talking, joking, laughing all the way from the time we meet, 8.30am. HAHA its amazing. No wonder I always go home on Saturday with a weird stuck throat.

Travelling is such a joy too, we just cannot stop moving and not laughing la. Its really really something very special about the group of us. Every shit is so entertaining. Everyone just makes everyone laugh so naturally cause everyone is just so comfortable with each other. Its the kind of comfort that makes you feel that you can do anything for them and can rely on them no matter what.

So yes, Y Dance! I love newspaper game. HAHA, especially when my buddy will actually be as crazy as me to dance around the newspapers and not just walk to the next papers. Super cute also. And during rest time, when the music plays "when you up, when you're down, baby take a good look around, I know its not much but its okay, keep on moving on anyway.." (something like that), and I kept singing to him, he actually mumbled the song with me too. And when I do actions like pointing up and pointing down, he will follow too! So cute laaa. I felt like both of us were enjoying ourselves. And my buddy is super cute, he loves asking me what date it was and when national day is.

And yes, dancing on stage is another new experience. As I said previously, looking from a different perspective makes me learn alot. I think if I'm dancing on stage anywhere else, I will not be as high and happy. I felt like even though I couldnt dance, no one will mind, cause we are all there on the sole purpose of bringing joy to others. Just be happy giving, and they will be happy receiving. And the dance yesterday was really HIGH. The crazy, head banging rock concert feeling. Qi is amazing. =)

After Y Dance, YCC- April Meeting! =D Final meeting together and camp is coming soon! Boy am I damn excited to see plannings become reality. I had fun during meeting too. Playing games, ballooning, doing monkey forfeit, and just being there with the team. I guess this team has gone a long way and they made me go a long way too. It is only when you plan something like that when you learn more about yourself and your abilities. And being the figure head, I learnt to make mistakes and learn from them quick. Thanks to all those who helped me, I cant thank you guys enough. This camp will be nothing without you guys. Special extra thanks to Yining and Yiwei, my mentors.

Every Saturday is such an enriching experience. And I dare say it loud and proud, doing community service is gawd damn fun. You get to bring joy to the people around you. When you go out and have fun, you just bring joy to your friends and yourself. But when you do community service, you have fun and make so many people happy. The amount of satisfaction is impeccable and undescribable. You have to experience this euphoria yourself to understand. I think the gang of us wants to influence people to do com service. Maybe we should like write a book on doing community service one day. HAHAHA. I think SMU should pay Yiwei, Yining, Qi and I to conduct the CIP talk. Their CIP talk to freshies is a FLOP. We can do it 1 million times better.

ALright, I think its mug time. BLARGH.

Val is amazing and also incredible. HAHAHA. As you can see, I believe in self praise and self acknowledgement.

Just say that my head and my emotions are not so closely linked as before. Not exactly seperate entities yet but just that I think more and more like a man. Less emotional, more task oriented. But how ironic, I'm still a very welfare-ish person.

I still believe that people who are different can work together in perfect harmony. I have a strong belief and faith in that and I will not let anything sway what I believe in. Unless that person doesnt put in any effort then it doesnt count as difference but as incooperative. As long as I see effort, conflicts dont matter. Its just a matter of communication and compromise. =)

Thanks for all the support and care I get. I'm really fine and still going on strong. Thanks to the old birds who taught me how to be a better leader.

Sometimes I really wonder whats up with me, talking about personal growth and leadership. But its only now that I really believe in personal growth. You not only grow by your age. Blog more about this one day. Im sure I can write an essay out on this.

I had so much fun today. MINDS Outing was super fun and relaxing. I think cause I got a really cute buddy. Water dance was quite fun and its been a long time since I let myself get so wet willingly. Just letting go is always good.

Y Dance was great too. My buddy was so willing to dance. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I got a buddy who was willing to dance with me. Heh. For the first time I saw the dance from a different perspective. Its really heart warming seeing all of them dancing and trying to dance with their buddies.

After all the fun and laughter and serious stuff today,
I'm so drained out now.

Reminder to blog about:

1. Personal growth
2. How fun com service really really is

HAHAHAHA. I think I'm still high mentally.

Dont you just wonder if you were born kind or born evil?

I tend to have many evil thoughts of hatred, of distaste or everything bad.
But on the other hand, I can be very helpful, very thankful, very appreciative.

When you do well in your results, you feel really happy. Then you realised your good friends didnt do well. Will you still be happy? If not, does that mean I'm not living my life for myself but for others?

How about when you do badly, and you feel terrible. Then you realised everyone did badly, do you feel happy? Will you be swayed just because of others? Why will you bother about how others do?

Why is it that more people are living their lives to compete with others, just to be better? Is it impossible to just compete with yourself, and truely just with yourself? So if I got F now, and I get D next time, can I be proud of myself when everyone else got A? Or if I got a C now, when everyone got F, then the next time round I get an B when everyone got an A. Will I still be glad that I improved 1 grade?

What are we all competing for? Is it possible for happy competition? Cant we all be winners? But if all of us are winners, are we all losers?

I was happy yesterday cause I finally did really well in a paper in SMU. I was hoping to share with my friends cause I just assumed we all did equally well. I never thought the Ds or Fs will belong to them.

(I'm not talking about you here k, I know all sportsmen are competitive by nature and I really dont mind. As long as you know whats best for you and not make me be like that too. And you are not competing with me anyway. Even if you are, you are going to win me hands down. HAHAHA.)

Compeitition is not bad or evil. But I just dont like competition. Does this make me a loser non ambitious person? Will that make me care less about my studies?

I guess everyone has their own set of problems. If you share them out, will the problems be resolved or will others be more burdened by your problems too? Are problems countable or are they continuous and cumulative?

As what as I always believed in, as long as at the end of the day I know I love Samuel and Samuel loves me too, the relationship will last. Is that always necessarily true? Besides love, what else does a relationship need? Should we be similar or different from each other? Can we be different but still have common topics to talk about? Can we be so different that we hate the things the other party is doing? If thats the case, can we still be happily together?

Will we last a lifetime? Will we last the next 5 years? Will we even live that long?

Just some randon sprouts of my thoughts. My brain is like a bullet train with irrelevant thoughts all the time.

I was so thrilled today when Samuel agreed to fetch me to school. =D And I was even more thrilled when he appeared at my doorstep, dressed up in formal wear. Heh. Never seen him like that before and that made my heart skip 1 million beats or sth. Even though it was just a short 45 mins with him, I felt so blissful like a little kid, I felt so happy going to school.

Duty at Wellness centre was great today, like every other Wednesdays. =) I think I will miss my duty there as it allowed me to have quality heart to heart talks or quality bitching sessions. All these are really stress relieving.

Dinner at Astons with Ning, Guosheng and Shaun. Queued damn long but it was worth it. Felt satisfied after the meal. Dessert at B&Js with all plus Yiwei. It was alll great fun and lots of laugh.

It is indeed an excellent way to close the Sem and close my first studying year in SMU. HA. It sounds like I'm done with my final papers alr. ZZZ. I will do more work tml. I hope.