Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

muchthanks.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

I swear its not easy to balance school work with CCA with friends with family with boyfriend with my own time.

I really wonder how those people with multiple CCAs cope with everything. Late nights? Isnt that like very unhealthy? But I already feel like 24 hours is not enough for me.

I want a time out too.

Someone give me motivation, please. It seems like everyone feels that whatever I'm doing is an easy task. I have very little to do compared to alot of people out there. I guess I'm not as capable as them. I'm a slow learner, a bad communicator. I just need more time. But I cant afford it. ARGH.

I cant wait for camp though. I shall treat it as a vacation.

I just feel so tired I cant even smile.

I realised the closer I get, the further I get from the rest. Its like I found a new neighbourhood with better convienent stores, better infrastructure, and kinder neighbours.
I guess its very scary to have a relationship with me. I'm always changing and the changes I make are drastic and deep and dramatic. One moment you're my favourite, next moment you are my rival, and next moment I'm better of without you.

(Not saying you shouldnt be my friend at all cause I have constant friends since Secondary school, like how I still meet Jean rather often and still have as much fun as we used to have. =DDD)

No matter how much I tell myself to remain, to be settled, I can never do it. My likes are changing between polar opposites. Its very disgusting sometimes, I end up liking things I used to dislike, thinking of myself as a hypocrite. But I dare say, at the moment of like, I really liked it. No promises if I like it again tomorrow, but at that moment, yes.

Is everyone like that? Or is it just me?

I really admire Samuel for embracing all my changes and trying to keep up with it all the time.

I know I'm wasting time here, but if I dont put everything out here, it will be in my head, deterring me even more.

I feel so pushed, so rushed. Its like I want to sit down and rest but they keep using all their strength to push me. My legs are so weak, my mental state is weak, my body is just breaking down. But they just keep forcing me to, not walk, but run. Run at a speed to great for me now.

Like the peak hour train system. I'm like the train, rushing to stations to pick numerous passengers, I need to speed up to let them reach work on time. But the tunnel is just so long, I cant speed up much too cause there's another train in front of me, I want to but I just cant. So I remain stuck in the darkness zone I hate the most.

I just need a day to rest, just one day of doing nothing. Why doesnt my time bank allow me to draw a day's rest out? I have the right to my time.

I know I chose this path, I chose to run, I chose to be in this state. But of course there will be obstacles along the way. I need power to overcome challenges, overcome this peak period. I'm climbing up this steep mountain, bit by bit, I just need to reach the summit to enjoy the breeze and the scenery and the fruits of my labour. Then eveything will just be easy.

Val, let your legs run. Dont think about the process. Just do it, dont think.

FUCK.

Just when I blogged about nice group mates yesterday. I had a showcase of a horribleterribledisgusing groupmate today. Calling him a groupmate makes me want to puke alr.

MAJOR FUCK.

ARGHHHHHHHHH. I DONT WANT TO WORK WITH IT.

The overweight bastard who wore like a black tight singlet and tattered jeans with that rusty old chain thinking he looks damn cool. His armpit hair was like curly and dangling, dying to get out of that humid smelly pits. I was so disgusted I asked him, "You like Wolverine ah" and so at the end of the day we called him "Wolverine Wannabe".

WTF man. He insisted on having a video, insisted on his ideas, insisted that he was funny, insisted that we had no time, Insisted that he can get an MP to do a video with us, insisted that he talked alot to the prof and knows the prof well (FUCK SHIT), insisted his fucking big fat ideas.

Let me expand on his bullshit about know the prof well. That piece of shit kept saying he spent alot of time with the prof and understand what he wants and how our proj should cater to what the prof likes. FUCK bootlicker, talked to prof after every lesson. I was so pissed I went "Good for you, extra class part points. After activities with prof shiok ah?" Then he was like "Oh isit? I didnt know got class part points!" ASS.

Then he was like "oh you all year 1s dont know must know the prof well first ah?" Excuse me, he was talking to 1 yr 3 and 2 yr 2s. Only 1 yr 1 in my group. SHITHOLE, we dont get grades by licking the prof's ass like you.

Happy licking you fuckshit.

I hope you get screwed by the prof.

Happy ending eh? Exactly what you wanted.

Despite all the silent unhappiness, I guess my LTB group is still my favourite project group so far. I had alot of fun with them then, and at dinner just now. =))

I was wondering today, why do different age groups dress differently? Like when I'm 70, will I dress up in floral tops and black baggy pants? Or will I still wear stuff that I like wearing now? I can understand why people in their 30s wear officewear and nice casual wear out, cause the clothes look nice. But will I love 70 year old ah ma's outfit next time?

Does your age group affect what you wear? Or is society's idea of how you should dress that is affecting you? Individual vs society.

Hair I'm aiming for. Messy yet straight.

I really love my Summer Holidays. (Yes, I'm still talking about summer.)

Its like the amount of new experiences I had was tremendous. I really dont know how to write this down in words. But I looked at all the many photos of Summer and I felt a strong sense of ____. I cant find an awesome enough word. Its not just about awesomeness, but its about ____ too. It makes me so squirmy and squiggly. Makes me smile, makes me sad, makes me _____.

Goodness. This makes no sense.

Now that holidays are over, I have so many new plans. Plans I should have made in the hols.

Time to cherish time.
Before you are gone =((

Push
and
Survive

and then,
Conquer.

I am what I think I am.

Sometimes I will hurry,
Sometimes I will push,
Sometimes I will remind,
I will nag.
I will bug.

I really dont want to, but you know I have to.
I dont like last min rushing.
I dont mind doing more, as long as we reach there in time.
I want to take on more, but at the same time, I dont want to.
Thats not the main purpose from the start.

I will want to move forward,
so I hurry, push, remind, nag and bug.

I really think Im retarded in MA. How isit possible for someone with no accouting background to do the homework qns? I really dont know what are they talking about. ZZ. Pressure. I'm feeling so pressurised, maybe I should get Mkting and TWC textbks too. To cover up for the lousy grade my MA will give me.

I'm going to DIEEEEEEEEE.
Breathe breathe breathe.
Someone give me MA tuition plssssss. =((

Val, please focus on doing your work.

Rmb, you wanted to up your gpa. RMB?

Now now, please do your MA assignment.

=(((((( I DONT LIKE MA.

Homework should not be schoolwork. Home work should be like watching tv, sleeping, eating, bathing, and what nots. School work should be doing assignments, meeting deadlines, doing readings, and such. But now, I'm doing home work, which is doing my assignments of the week. How can? Thats not home work. Thats school work. Thats crossing the border illegally. Weekends are meant for my def of home work and not the school's def of it. Blarh.

Ah excuses in my head are killing me. See, I love to imagine.

And as I think about speaking to SMU students again on Wed, my heart and my head pounds as fast as techno. HAHAHA.

Ahh shuddap and do your MA.

Its been 3 years since I last helped out at a booth on CCA day. HA. Brings back Secondary school feelings. It was quite fun actually, folding paper, eating hello panda, talking to random freshies, random freshies who wants VWO contacts for their LTB, meeting familiar faces who actually rmb me too (like this guy frm my BGS class last time and I was like "You look kinda familiar, then he was like 'Ya I was in 2 of ur classes before'" WOAH), becoming closer friends with the Uni Y people.

I used to have more negative emotions towards Uni Y. All the stories I heard before I entered, all the stories I experienced ever since I entered, and all the stories that make me realise now that everyone is human. We should all be allowed to make mistakes and we should learn together.

That day, Yihan mentioned that Uni Y is where most of his SMU friends are. Maybe when I leave SMU, I will look back and realise that too. I may be small and quiet and in my own little world in SMU, but Uni Y does have a corner for me. =)

Now let me recover from the pain I'm experiencing.

"If I refuse to be happy today, I might just die in sadness"

Goodness, I must be happy everyday from today onwards.

I want to be happy all sem. If I set my mind right, I'm sure I can. Like when I wake up in the morning thinking its a damn awesome day, most of the time, it will be. If I wake up feeling hopeless and ugly, no matter what I wear or do, I will still feel shitty. Its all in the mind.

In my puny little mind, I will tell myself I will be super happy from now onwards. Even the ulcer in my mouth wont deter me from smiling.

Happy Birthday Hongkit.

I'm still worried about my future. Finishing Touch is really a WAKE UP CALL. Its like "HELLO YOU, WAKE UP YOUR IDEA!"

Howhowhowhowhow.

I was so troubled just now, I just had to ask. Victor really helped (I never thought this day will come. HAH!). "Took me 5 years after I grad to realise I want to work in the social sector." I'm sure I can beat that. I might take 10 years to realise I want to do something totally different.

Step by step, slowly explore, do things my pace, dont succumb to pressure, dont conform to the system, just do what makes me happy. I'm sure I can find something that will make me excited for internship.

If you like to do events, then do events. Yes I like doing events. I should be an events manager. Then after I earn money to return my parents and to save for my own business, I will be an entrepreneur and set up my own bridal shop. I will plan weddings, import beautiful wedding gowns from overseas, then design my own clothing line, then plan fashion shows, and be happy.

Step by step. Dont be in a hurry. Why should school make me in a hurry to grow up? They dont know me. I'm not ready to grow up, when I'm ready, I will know.

Thanks Victor! =)

Yeah and Week 1 is down. Lets see, debate coming up for TWC in Week 3, TWC proj coming up in Week 5. BHAM BHAM BHAM.

Okay it is Week 1 and I feel so burdened with loads of trash to clear. I have to do this, have to do that. Have to write the stupid 1 paragraph thing for MPW, dont know what am I supposed to write in the first place. Have to do MA homework, but I really wonder if the prof even taught anything during our first class. Have to read this, read that. Catch up on dont know what.

But I sure did something good this week. I class part-ed quite a fair bit. Shall not slack anymore. I will mug ass tomorrow. I'm a mugger.

TWC is quite interesting actually. It brings back Human Geography to me. Globalisation, New manufacturing styles, Technology, FDI. Me loves Geog so much. If I am disgusting enough, I will re-read my geography notes this weekend. Its like whatever was talked about in class today, I actually already knew quite alot. I could have spoken more.

I should not hold myself back. Speak my mind freely, since Im rewarded for it.

I think I'm a freak. I feel soooo guilty slacking now. I should do some work. ZZZZ. But I'm sooo stretched alr. ZZZ. I dont want Week 2 to come. But I must start before I lag. ZZZ. Ah ZZZZ.

GOOODNESS.

2 days of school and I'm drained. Old age ya.

I wonder how did I carry 1 textbook + my organiser + my filled-to-brim pencil case + laptop + charger +water bottle + jacket +what nots, and still not feel like dying. You know, I thought I was just going to collapse today carrying all these for the whole day. And what makes it worse, I waited for the bus for sooooo loooong today, only having to change lanes at the interchange to take a different bus.

I climbed over the railings with my textbk, organiser, pencil case, laptop, water bottle, jacket, what nots. Never again will I be a good citizen and queue for the bus.

Woah TWC seems shitty alr, we are splitted into grps even before our 1st class. I just got an email from the TA. ZZ. So kiasu.

Like the wannabes in class today. After my qn about class part was clarified in class today, the floodgates of nonsensical class part opened. Woah really it was damn obvious, so obvious it made me dizzy. I bet Qi was pukish too. HAHHA.

Its like people can go on and on asking the same thing about formal shoes, make up, attire. Goodness man, people, we are here to learn, not to give useless comments to gain points.

But I learnt in MA today, companies strive to survive. So its all the game of survival. I will survive cause I put down in FT today that speaking was one of my interests. Since I love to speak and I want to survive, I must talk shit. I bet my shit will be deeper and broader than those miserable wannabes.

Some people are just....
fake.

Their smiles at the prof, their awkward laughter, their repeated qns, their coyness, their I-just-have-to-say-sth attitude.

But whats new?

Anyways, I was supposed to blog about FT today. Qi and I exited class feeling burdened and troubled and disturbed. What do I want to be when I grow up? No, I meant what do I want to be in 3 years time? *Goodness, panicks and dies* I dont know! I am supposed to extract qualities of activities I like to do and combine with the skills I have, to come up with my ideal job. Woah woah woah HOW!

What do I like to do? Okay I do have a bimbo lifestyle. I love shopping, generally I love fashion, I love making cards, I love scrapbooking, I love decorating my organiser, I love doing com service, I love getting pekcek over camp plannings, I love becoming friends with people I have to work with, I love imagining, I love mind mapping, I love thinking about the various sets I can come up with the clothes I have, I love seeing my fingernails in colours.

Shit. I should just be a taitai, or a leech.

Lets see what childhood ambitions I had: a lawyer, an author, an artist, a fashion designer, a fashion consultant, a tuition teacher, a nursery teacher, an entrepreneur.

Lets combine all...ahhhh...forget it. Goodnight.

The lead singer of KISS has rumoured to have bedded 4000 women before..

He says "They always go 'just say you love me'...But I tell them 'No I love me first.'"

WOAH. BIG ego, but amusing enough.

WOAH. What a mind blowing outing we had today. Literally, blowing the minds of zombies. We had nothing much to do so we went to play Left 4 Dead at a Lan shop. My first time playing at a lan shop. It was damn wicked. And we got so addicted to it. Played for an hour and we decided to continue playing, so Yuting went home to get his van so that he can drive us home later. =DD

Played another 2 hours of l4d. =) Its been looong since all of us met up. Sometimes, we get too caught up with our work, we forget about the memories we once had with each other. I once spent most of my free time with these people. I spent most of my studying time in JC with them too. Ha. And as I looked through the photos we took since loong looong time ago, I guess, we really grew up with each other.

Till the next time we meet up again.

Last shopping trip to close the holidays tomorrow.

Fruitful one to start school term.

I always use that as an excuse to buy stuff.

Let me use it once more this hols.

Booo. Why must school start?

Mmm, think my camera needs to rest. It has its on and off form days too. Today is really off form. ZZZ. But still, I enjoyed admiring all the clothes Kiangpin brought for her collections, enjoyed feeling super tempted by all the pretty clothes. HA. After that we still headed to Kiangpin's house for a while and off to Far East for cheap manicure. =)

What an exciting day. I love my grey fingernails. WHOO!

And I think shoulder pads are super hot. They've been hawt for sometime alr but now its becoming more mainstream and more people are wearing it. Commoners' fashion is like that, first you admire it on runway and aspire to be a celebrity or a model to wear such stuff. Then you dream about it so much but you just dont have the guts to wear it out on the streets. People will think you are weird. Then you just drool over it by yourself, till the day you decided you have the courage for it, everyone is wearing it alr. You feel like shit, knowing that you could have made a statement then.

But then you see, your courage comes from the crowd. Without other people wearing it, you wont wear it. But you dont want others to wear it, cause you want to be the trendsetter. But you cant be a trendsetter cause you dont have guts to start wearing it. But you need courage from others who wear it first.

And the cycle never ends. Darn, I always thought I was secretly setting trends. Ha.

I hope Jeanette doesnt read my blog, or know about my blog. (Sometimes I get a shock when people tell me they read my blog.) YAAA, this is the pretty card I just made for Jeanette's farewell. Oh yes, self praise. But I really think its damn nice. Too bad I cant be there tomorrow to pass this personally to Jeanette but I hope Jeanette and the com will like the card. =)

Vulnerability, not fragility.

Ahhh, I see.

Happy 5th Anniversary to us. =) Seriously, I really felt like a Sec 3 kid again yesterday. HA. Young and free, without a care. I think its the holidays making me retard into my kid mind again.

Stupid icecream place postponed the lesson to 10 Oct, which is the 3rd day of lonliness after Samuel enlists, so we had to cancel it. So sad. But nevertheless, we still had fun without it yesterday. We finally watched Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince yesterday. But it was disappointing. Not sure if we caught the too-early-in-the-day show, or some parts of it was just draggy. I fell asleep for like a minute or so. Its been a long time since I fell asleep in the theatre, must be really bad.

Samuel bought me a fossil watch to match his fossil watch. =) I've been whining to him so much all these years to get me one. And he finally decided to stop my whining and get me one. I'm sooo happy now. I will love my watch and wear it out every day. Poor casio has to step back now. I still love my casio though, it has been through alot with me. Ya, I'm a person who develops feelings for non living things. I'm a dork.

And so, the countdown begins again, 364 days of bittersweet love before our next anniversary. Good Luck! HA. I really wonder what will happen this year. Love you dear!

I think I'm an in between sort of person.

I'm not depressed, but I'm not exhilarated.
I'm not very girly, but I'm not THAT manly.
I'm tolerable of pain, but I still whine at it.
I like to be in love, but I dont want to be too in love.
I like the rain, but I dont hate being in the rain.
I love coffee, but I prefer tea sometimes.
I love wearing dresses, but I dont wear them too often.
I want my hair long, but I keep cutting it.
I carry handbags but I want my sling bags too.
I hate hot weathers, but cold weather make me feel sick.

I guess for me, too much of a good thing is not good afterall.

A really short 2 days 1 night at Kuala Lumpur. Made me realise, shopping doesnt matter as much, as long as we are over the sea (cause I cant say overseas cause Malaysia is just too near). But still, lots of shopping and window shopping, walking around, lazing around in bed, and eating.

Its a very nice slow paced trip. We still had time to rest and take a mid day nap. HA. And I like that. I especially like our 1st taxi ride to KL too. 130km/h, not slowing down at bumps on the road, mosquito flying around, language breakdown with driver- I like. HAHA.

Shopping wasnt say fantastic. I guess we dont really dig the fashion at KL. But when theres a sale at topshop, its always good. HAHAHA. Bought like 2 tops and a skirt, each less than $25. =)

And Dear was really nice to me for these 2 days. 5 more days to a brand new year together!

I'm so excited to wake up early tomorrow. Thats what I say now but I'm sure it will be torturous to wake up at like 5 tomorrow.

Hope shopping will be good at KL.
Hope the hotel will be nice with soft comfy blankets.
Hope the plane will not be that bad.

To a safe 2 days trip. =)