Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

And so tomorrow is the day.
DEE DAY.

NE-YO COCK AH BENG. HAHAHHAH!!

Okay in 24 hours, I will be in the next exam hall. From now till then, I better work my guts out cause its MA. Finally, most unfortunately. I need to push myself ah. M for MUST.

But I'm more like N for NUA now.

Today's paper was thrilling. WHOOOO. Like a dream.

So you see, the prof gave us the qns 3 weeks ago. Real exact qns. So I did out the whole essay, wrote like 4 pages for each qn and brought it with me today.

I reached the exam venue, almost late. Saw the qns, smirked alittle since its the same qns afterall. Did the paper, and looked up at the clock, still 1 hour left. I read through, gazed around, and decided to leave early.

I zipped up my bag and the whole room turned to look at me in shock. I left the paper, 30 mins early. Very shocking meh?

Then Kiangpin called, "Val, you gave up ah, everyone told me you left early. Dont worry k.." (Something like that.) I was like.....erh....

HAHHAHA!! I dont understand why lehhhhh. We were given 3 weeks to prepare, and we only had to write 5 pages in all. I wrote 8 pages in my preparation essays. Sounds very do-able, no? I mean all the prep work was madness and hair tucking. But at the exam venue, people still continue thinking and preparing? WHY? People dont write out their essays before the paper? I thought my friends did! Damn, I must be freaking kiasu. I summarised both cases just in case the qns change, I did out the qns just in case its exactly the same.

I still think I wrote slower than my usual speed. I guess JC education trained me good. Including digesting the qns, choosing the qn to do, thinking, thinking deep, searching for evidence, brainstorming, writing at top speed. Each essay used to take only 45mins or so. And that would get me a more than satisfactory grade most of the time. (Haolian but true wad!) Now, just direct copying, abit of summarising and referring back to the qn, it took me that same amount of time. So technically, I deproved! And who knows, I might do extremely horribly.

I guessed if I stayed longer in the exam venue, I wouldnt change my answer much so if my grade of this paper turns out horrid, I shall not blame myself for leaving early but blame myself for not preparing well.

But why did the prof say "Qns look familiar right?" and later he said "You can leave the exam hall in an hour, but I doubt you can la!" Mmmm. I MUST STOP ANALYSING!

SOOOOOO CUTE. Its like baby shoes in adult sizes. Thank goodness the spree was closed. Even if I want them, I cant. =P

Am I more of a girly girl or a boyly girl? I love shopping like a mad girl and I love dressing up like a mad girl too. But I can wear jeans and sit like man on the library floor, or laugh damn loud like a coffeshop man.

Is there ever a "I've studied enough" point? I'm sure there is. For me.

Weather was great today. Mocha with Gelato was great. Dome at Bishan CC is actually quite comfy. Felt like some Xmas country house or something. Too bad no power plug or else could have stayed there forever. Better than slogging in the library on the floor. Hunching so badly, ended up we aged 10 years in that 5 hours or so.

And I counted today, Jean and I met 12 times these 15 weeks. WTH! HAHAHHA! Not like our schools are very near or our time tables meet or sth. But we will be seperated for 3 weeks this hols. How sad and miserable.

Samuel is back in camp alr. 10 days till I see him at his POP. Just hope time passes really quickly. Scary how time varies with one's emotions. Time crawls when Samuel is away or when I'm having exams. But time flies when I studied with Jean today. It depends. With all the fun stuff I have, time should pass quickly.

I should stop being dependent. I must start living my life as an individual. But actually I am right? When I'm with my friends, I'm cool. But when I'm alone, I'm weak. DAMN. Let exams end quick please.

I should stop making everything habitual. Its not meant to be a habit or routine or whatever you call it. Its supposed to be like erh, an act of kindness to make you happy, then.

Dont assume that it will always happen cause it doesnt. Got to deal with it and not throw tantrums like a kid or like a girl.

But perfect rationality do not exist, my bounded rationality will end up swaying my emotions and I end up with confirmation bias. I know its bias but I confirm it anyway. Because the Equity Theory keeps coming up in my head. There isnt perception fairness if my inputs and outcomes dont equate to your inputs and outcomes. Pardon the MPW lingo but its strange how I can explain my feelings through it, despite the paper being shitty today.

I'm kinda feeling rather tired after all the giving in and compromising. Maybe its not PMS afterall. Just feel like I've ran too many extra miles, I'm starting to pant, starting to feel tired. I dont want to take anymore extra miles. I shall just stay here and wait for your extra mile. It feels like the miles I took received no rewards. No positive reinforcement. More like punishment instead. But I take the blame since its a personal choice to start the run. It was personal naivity to believe that the flowers I saw as I ran were planted for me by you. Its perception bias, I choice to see what I wanted to see.

Its not because of this or that, its the gradual accumulation that makes me feel like shit. I'm sorry if this makes you feel like shit too. I should start caring about my feelings more.

Santa, Can you hear me;
I've been so good this year
and all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here.
Hes all I want just for me,
Underneath my Christmas tree.
I'll be waiting here,
Santa thats my only wish this year.

RACHAEL! You are unleashing my holiday mood even more. HAHAHH!

Mood: more diffused, long term feelings
Emotion: intense short lived feelings

So I guess I should say, my holiday emotions instead.

SHIT SHIT SHIT. My thoughts wander into the vacations this holiday and then my eyes show me "Power: capacity to influence others when in state of dependence", and I dont think of power of individuals at work, I think of power of my imagination to influence my other matter who is dependent on imagination feeds so I continue imagining.

Then I think of shopping and the happiness it brings, and I see "Bases of power: Legitimate, Reward, Referent, Expert, Coercive" and I think shopping has reward and referent power.

HA see imagining is not bad afterall, helps me remember mundane notes and converting them into fun stuff.

TQM: Total Quality Mgmt: achieving small gains over a long period of time. Rachael I will rmb that. HAHAHH!

KK REALLY BACK TO WORK.

I wonder why too.

Hi everybody, meet longest-BMT-weekend Tigger. Its like a 5 days 4 nights weekend. WHOO. But I'm stuck with exams. CRAP. Wrong timing for sure.

And this is the last BMT weekend I will be spending with Samuel. Next weekend is the last, but I will be away in Bintan with my family. I didnt realise it was a weekend, let alone the last BMT one when I decided to go with my family. BLARH.

Oh and I met Ning ytd. =) For like 2 mins or so but it was good enough to have 2 mins of her busy schedule. Time does pass really quickly. 3 weeks and she will be back again! Then we can meet up and talk all day again.

The end of the Sem is approaching soon, but its like 4 more days, and I have 3 more papers. Holy shit. Damn sian. So its like the climax of my exams drawing near. I think I'm feeling abit indifferent this exams. I dont feel that sense of urgency often enough.

I cant wait for these 4 days to end. I want to play and slack and not feel guilty. 1 Dec with Jean, 2 Dec with Rachael, 3-6Dec Bintan. 8 Dec with Kiangpin, Sab, Car. 9 Dec with Samuel (POP!), 10-12 Dec YCC, 15-19 Dec Hong Kong. And seriously, I think I've used up almost 3 weeks of my hols alr! HA. SO FUN.

KK. MUUST STUDY NOW. Studying is ultra superduper unproductive today. Shows how very important MPW is to me. Not at all. DAMN okay I must score for this mod. My one and only OBHR mod. Do or Die. 99 MCQs + 2 short ans, cant be that bad ya? Applies to everyone else too so I must do better than them. School life is harsh, tells you that its a dog eat dog world out there. Its either you do better, or someone else does better. No such thing as lets hold hands and score. Bell curve yo.

Another childhood dream; to have a treehouse in the garden of my property.

And a feminist book that I read today. HA.

I realised I'm used to spending time alone. I idled around, did abit of MA, went for lunch, shopped a little, read some books, all by myself for 5 hours, at White Sands somemore, not like I was happily shopping at some hip shopping centre, or mugging at some chio library. But its okay, I was fine alone.

I was fine behaving like a weirdo walking up and down and up and down and down and up the escalator again, or forcing myself to enter almost every shop just to kill some time. I entered all sorts of shops today, even the Malay traditional costume shop. Bet the salesperson thought I was Malay anyway. But I was fine.

Really I'm not complaining or anything but I'm just amazed at how much time I spend with myself. Ha. And last time, I used to be someone who will skip meals if no one eats with me, shop quickly if no one is with me. Now, I bet I can even watch a movie, then go have icecream, then shop for christmas presents all by myself.

Am I ageing? Or am I becoming less sociable?

I miss Samuel. I hate PMS. I dont know if its PMS or if its the normal me.

Breakfast-ed with Rachael at Delifrance today. Sudden craving + coincidentally planning to wake up early on a Wed led us to meet up just to have breakfast. Its quite nice actually. I've never met up with someone just to have breakfast in a long while alr. No, its been a long time since I've even woke up in time for breakfast! HA.

Must push myself.
Must press on.
Must prove to myself.
Must study harder.
Must not give up.
Must not be discouraged.
Must go against all odds.
Must not fail.
Must not fail.
Must not fail.

WILL NOT FUCKING FAIL!

FUCK MA.
WHY MUST I BE FORCED TO DO MA?
I CANT UNDERSTAND MA.

EXAMS IS IN A WEEK AND I CANT EVEN DO A DECENT QN.

FUCK. I think I will fail. For real.

Samuel has done his preparation work to help me survive confinement days.

You know when I say confinement, its like you know after you give birth then you must go through confinement. It sounds like I'm having confinement or sth and his presents are keeping me happy. Okay not.

What constitutes 'cui' results?

In a uni person's head: anything below A (including A-)
In my head: anything below B

Is my mindset wrong? Why must we be characterised by the grades we get? Why must we be bounded and strapped down by these meaningless letters? Seriously, what does an A mean? A is for apple. Dont you guys learn this when you were younger.

A used to be something so simple. Why are we making things complicated for ourselves? If I got an A, does that mean I'm smart? Does that mean I'm happy? Does that mean I can look down on everyone else? Why must non living letters determine our achievement level?

I can jolly well be a housewife, happily married, with 3 kids and not have gotten any A before. Does that mean I'm a failure in life?

Why must we use grades as comparison? I'm fucking sick of the "wah B+ is damn cui can!" or "wah I nva get top 15%, DIE ALR!" FUCK manz. Why must we always be at the top? So much so that people are going crazy about it. I hate it when people go "sure fail de la", and end up doing damn well, or the "my gpa damn low la, 3.5 only!", or the "this sem sure cnt get all A alr". Like seriously ah, what the fuck?

I really think I dont belong in this system. Samuel can you book out now?

I'm still gloating and floating away over yesterday's surprise. =)))

I always thought Samuel will never ever surprise me. Hes not a person who will come up with surprises or like little gimmicks to make me happy. But yesterday he really made me feel that hes really changed. Its like when he seldom does such things, when he does it, it makes me feel superduperfuper bubblescloudsbutterfliesflowersgreengreengrass. I dont know how to describe it. HA.

But the longer you are in the relationship, the higher the risk of dying during the break up. Its like a very risky investment. Its either high returns or high deficit.

Oh well, I shall enjoy my high returns when I have them now. NS is actually not a bad thing afterall(SABRINA, I said it!). It explains the phrase 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' very clearly. We werent so close as we are now before NS. Okay but I never know ah, most break ups come after BMT.

And I should have talked to my Dad about Keppel earlier, he follows current affairs like a bible and so he knew Keppel like its his. Talking to him and learning about Keppel is better than reading than thick hundred over pages annual report. Seriously.

I'm over the mooooon now.

I was studying in the dining room today when the doorbell rang. My mum went over and peered out. She looked for a really long time and I thought must be some salesperson. Then suddenly she exclaimed really loudly..

"AH! SAMUEL LEH!"

HAHAHAHAHH! =) Samuel decided to surprise me by appearing at my doorstep.

Hes back at camp alr but I'm still all over the place. Felt like a dream or sth. Seeing Samuel on a rainy Thurs afternn. =)))) And he will be coming out soon next Wed! 2 hours earlier, thanks to his IPPT results too.

YEAHH I'm so happpppppppy.

Being in or out of a relationship has basically the same same but quite different effects.

You can either become weaker or stronger. When you are in a relationship, you are weaker cause you have someone to depend on and to protect you. You can be stronger at times too cause you want to protect the other. Absence makes you stronger as well. When you are out of a relationship, you are weaker cause suddenly you are left to fight the world by yourself. However, you may become stronger, afterall overcoming every challenge makes you a braver person.

This time baby, I'll be bullet proof.

I'm in the weak molten state. HAHHA! Okay no la. I'm alot better alr, at least I can study properly and I still feel moderately happy. Seriously, no sense of urgency at all this time round. Feels like the papers are still long to go, I study when I'm happy and if I'm not, I shall slack. Bad mindset.

HATE TWC TO THE MAX.

LAZY BUT PROUD PROF
LOUSY LECTURES
EXAMS THAT EVERYONE CAN TAKE WITHOUT ANY TWC KNOWLEDGE
EXAMS THAT INVOLVE HUNDREDS OF PAGES OF READINGS
this is bullshit.

Fuck manz wasted my money printing all those crap stuff today. Wasted my time too.

I feel so dumb reading these millions of pages. And the exam qn is to come up with a technological policy for ASEAN and Keppel. WTF? Seriously, since when were we taught how to write a policy? If I'm so smart and I can come up with a totally feasible and helpful policy, perhaps I should be travelling around with Obama alr. Maybe I will have morn exercise with LKY tomorrow.

FUCK la. I can be a better prof than you. I can be more hardworking than you to come up with a proper exam qn, come up with proper lectures and not let people do debates every lesson so that you dont have to teach anything. Your lessons are like haphazard, you say what you feel like saying, show off what you feel like showing off, and let your TA slog like hell while you play with your technology.

Piece of gay shit.

I cannot stop thinking about the joy 2 wks from now.

I think..
Shopping
Packing for vacations
Vacations
Dec YCC
Starbucks
Studio photos
Present Making
Christmas
Picnic
Dressing up
Sleepovers
and
Samuel

They will all arrive soon. I must be patient.
GAWD DAMN IT.
VAL WILL YOU JUST BE MORE PATIENT?

Took another break to go prom shopping with my sister today.

Boy, was it tempting. So many beautiful clothes and shoes and bags and what nots. Everything is like a million times nicer than books and notes and slides. ARGH. I had to resist or else I will be too distracted to study.

Exactly 2 more weeks and I will be free. I must resist.

Rachael bought me this super duper chio leggings that I must wear once exams are over! =DD

But now, let me drown myself in books and misery. I miss Samuel again. He will be confined this weekend and I dont like it. HATE IT. =((( I keep thinking he will be out this thurs, when actually he will be out next thurs. Crap. Next thurs is like in the middle of my exams. =(( ARGH.

Stop emoing.

Yesterday was a good day to leave the books and just enjoy my weekend. Thank goodness for not slacking last week. The weather was unreasonably cold, especially when we were speeding down the bicycle lane. Eh, more like Samuel was speeding while I was screaming behind him to stop.

I had fun yesterday. I enjoyed admiring Twilight looking trees at East Coast, I enjoyed tossing out all our money to afford our dinner, I enjoyed nagging at Samuel to stop speeding, I enjoyed talking rubbish while he kept on cycling, I enjoyed complaining about the soggy deep sands.. Ha. Sometimes, I really think I'm quite a pain la. Always nagging and nagging at Samuel. =/

I use the word Sometimes alot. I use the word Wonder alot too.

I cant wait for Samuel's next bookout. Its in the middle of my papers but I will chiong so much that I can enjoy that bookout again.

For some reason or another, I left my house today thinking about the carefree times after A levels. Then I thought about how did I go through A levels, and undoubtedly, I thought about the people I mugged with. We mugged really hard together, and then after the As we played hard together. I miss those times alot.

Looking at pictures like this, I will just keep imagining whats actually going on inside.

I imagine the bride and the groom smiling right from the heart to each other. I see families and friends happily mingling around. I see photographers flashing and capturing memories frantically. I imagine everything beautiful.

4 more chapters + a chunk of crap to stuff into my head
and I'm done with MPW. Sounds do-able.

It IS do-able. Stop giving yourself excuses and then making them into reality.

My hair is looooooong enough to be french braided! I was sooooo gleeeful thanks to Rachael. Heh. She decided to braid my hair while I help her with the executive summary of our project. I always wanted to braid my hair but my hair was NEVER long enough, and I meant NEVER since K2. WHOO, my hair is really growing (and dropping).

I must make Samuel learn how to braid my hair. HAHAH! YEAHHHH!

But, I must do something with this horribly faded hair colour and dry like hay wig on my head. All after my exams. Extra motivation. On a side note, I'm studying about motivation now. Its really ironic how it tells me what can be done to motivate employees but here I am seeking motivation from something so trivial like hair.

I'm happy being alone this week. I think I'm quite eccentric and to a point when I wonder will people think I'm weird. I can linger around alone, mug alone, eat Pastamania alone, sway to the music by myself on the bus, sing when I walk home alone.

Ha, I am amused at myself. And then I was still wondering why the Dec YCC leaders think I am amazing them every moment in the mass convo. I amazed myself all the time.

Perhaps this is what life is all about. I was told, its the small things that make you feel that life is worthwhile. And I guess thats particularly true for me.

Nomis bravely ordered a bowl of chilli soup. HAHAH!

I'm a horrrrible girlfriend. I always make Samuel sad and reluctant when I keep telling him how sad and reluctant I am. But I am really sad and reluctant. But I should have lied to him..

I'm a goner. Why am I not at the bottom of the well yet? I just keep falling and falling and falling. I'm practically like a lost soul who cant wake up every day cause Samuel is not there. I have no mood for anything at all.

I should just die laaaaa.

Sometimes I'm too hard on myself.
Sometimes I let myself off too easily.

Are there self disciplinary classes out there?
I need to take one up.

In an interview when you are asked "why do you think SMU is better than NTU/ NUS?", my prof taught us to say the good stuff SMU has and mention that you cant compare it with NTU and NUS cause you are not studying in those colleges.

I guess thats being tactful and sensitive. And very smart. And not being pompous about yourself.

If you dont know something/someone well enough, dont conclude things about them. Its almost 95% sure that you concluded something wrong about it and you just made yourself look bad, you just made the whole world know how big a fool you are, with your shallow but loud comments. Your conclusions are never backed up with clear evidence but you just seem so sure about them. I really wonder if you ever take a peek out of your box to look at the world. You are not the only type of human being who survived. Your schedule and mine, your workload and mine, they are never the same.

So if you are in stuck in a different phrase of life, in a different education system, in a different job scope, in a different environment, dont conclude things about my life. Cause you know what, you get it wrong all the time and it just pisses me off real badly. Even worse if you keep insisting and showing me your fucked up attitude, which you have no right to display.

Dont get too stuck in your head. Theres a world and a life outside that windbag of yours.

After re-reading this post again, I realised there is more than 1 person who may fit into this category and actually reads my blog. Mmm, no rewards for guessing the right person who fit the bill.

Coincidentally, both my camp buddies love to call me a bitch. Maybe I am a bitch. A closet one.

Baking was successful today! Raspberry crumble, served with Milo icecream (I only had milo icecream at home). It may not look very appealing, but it tastes goooooood. Sweetness of the crumble with the tingling sour taste of the melted raspberries. Shiok shiok. =)

Frolicking on fake grass.

15 minutes has great food. My fish and chips tasted awesome. And Jean's Orange Salmon tasted super good too. I'm actually craving for it now.

I like sitting on the ground. Makes me more in sync with the environment, more calm with my emotions, and more aligned with my thoughts. Its just the feeling of being at ease and not bothering about tomorrow that I really like. The weather was just right. We were protected by the shelters, but not enclosed indoors. So when it rained, we could smell the rain, hear the thunder, and see flashes of lightning. I like that feeling. It was almost perfect.

It made me miss Samuel quite abit. Its like midweek. I cant wait for Saturday to come. I hope he doesnt throw me a bomb saying he got confined or sth. I dont think I will survive. Ah, come home quickly. =(

I realised, I've come to a point in the relationship where I can accept all his shortcomings and see them as a part of him. There was the blind stage when he was just perfect, then the stage when suddenly his ugly side just glares in your face, den you keep wanting to change it, den you just get to tired you want to give up in the relationship, and now, I'm back to the blind stage again. But this time, I'm blind cause I alr know. You let yourself become blind again cause you have seen everything.

I really love Samuel, and I think right now, I will want to see him in my future. =)

Its strange how we dont contact, but here I am falling more for him. WEIRD. Reflections make me WEIRD.

Val doesnt like guys who talks loudly and talks alot and just cant stop talking.

A.K.A the guy sitting opposite me now.

Val doesnt like girls who are sticky to their bf when he is hao-lianing to the world what he does.

A.K.A the girl lying on the guy sitting opposite me.

A not so close substitute. But could still work for me! =)

Speaking to Rachael about PMS just now and it made me realise how PMSy I am to Samuel.

I take for granted that he will accept all my mood swings. I can just randomly get angry with him for a small thing and kick a big fuss out of it. I think if its some other guy, he probably just slap me or sth. I think if I'm a guy, I will slap myself.

After yesterday, I love Samuel even more. Every minute spent with each other seems so cherished now. =) I like knowing that he loves me too, not from the words he say, but from his actions. Like the way he asked if he could have the photograph of us that he saw in my wallet. There were so many small actions that make me feel that the 2 weeks wait for him was more than worthwhile.

And Pussycat Dolls sings 'so dont you worry about, people hanging around, they aint bringing us down.. Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick with you forever.." the radio seems to know what songs to play to suit my mood.

Saturday should come quickly. I'm having self inflicted mood swings again. SAVE ME. When can I be happy by myself again?