Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMFG.

I was
so touched,
felt so much pain,
understood sacrifices,
embraced unconditional love.
Put simply, it explained what LOVE really is.

OMGGG.

Its the sweeeeeetest msg I've ever read in my whole life. And its not like a script from some soap opera or sth. Its real life.

OMG. SABRINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I'm sooooo happy for you. Like so megafuckingultrasuperduper happy. =))))

Like how you prick a seemingly pretty bubble, only to see it dissolve in mid air.

Think happy thoughts.
Think about shopping.
Think about sleepover.
Think about breakfast.
Think about new dress.
Think awesome friends.
Think about packing my closet.
Think about braids.
Think new coloured hair.
Think scoring for my exams.
Think CNY prep.
Think what CNY clothes I can buy for you.
Think what Vday present to get.
Think about the past fun times.
Think about the future fun times.

I think its so much easier if I think about nothing but you.
=(

FUCKKK MANZ. Told you I hate Sundays. ULTRA MEGA HATE. These 10 days I will indulge in lessons, meetings, assignments, meet ups, CNY shopping, V day shopping. I just need to be strong for 10 days. Even though I still cant see him after his camp, at least he can call me or reply my smses. I just want to know that hes contactable.

Hi friends. Please talk to me when I'm online. I tend to be emo when I'm online, cause if I'm not online, I'm probably asleep or out busy with something.

I will keep missing you. But I will try my hardest to miss you happily.

I cant wait to see Samuel.
But I know once I see him,
I wont want him to go back.
But he has to go back,
so do I still want to see him?

Its like every week I go through 5 days without him and I think I'm alot stronger, then the weekend comes and destroys the strength I've established. It forces me to build up strength painfully the next week. Build it up to let it be destroyed again.

Every Friday is torn on both ends.
Every Saturday is love.
Every Sunday is evil.

Fridays are always so gay with Jean. The best part was in F21 when we were just randomly taking nice clothes to try and suddenly we realised we are holding the same clothes. It was total jinx. Gay TTMFTW.

Whats with all the abbreviations now?

Jean's random phonecall (not sure if its random but the timing was so apt) made me alot better.

Today, I put down the phonecall most reluctantly.

I was restless and fidgety once it was 1030pm.
I had to hold the phone on my hand, even to the toilet.
I was waiting and waiting and waiting.

11pm.
I kinda gave up. I didnt want myself to end up feeling disappointed.
Afterall every night when I ask him if he will call the next day, he will say "I will try".
Trying does not mean he will call.

Then he called.
But I was about to enter Kiangpin's parents' car.
It was horrible. I was so torn.
I cannot talk to him when I'm in the car cause its just too rude.
I cannot let her parents wait while I talk to him outside.
I was really flustered and all over the place.
So I told him I had to put down. =((

I waited all day to put down the phonecall. =(
I've not heard enough. This wasnt what I waited for. I had heaps to tell him. I wanted to tell him about my day, about my homework, about internship. I wanted to ask him how was his day, was he tired, what will he be doing tomorrow. I wanted to tell him that book out day is coming, we will work hard together again tomorrow.

I started feeling horrid when I got out of the car. It was only then I realised I wanted to talk and hear him so badly. It was when I'm alone.

I will survive.

I need to get into the extreme work mode alr. Pia all day, pia all night momentum. But HOW? After pia-ing in school, I will feel very accomplished and then reward myself with slack time at home. After slacking, I realised that theres actually no time allowed for it, I have so much more to do.

Yes, I have damn alot of things to do. So many things at the back of my head, so many things to settle. So so many. So many I am drowning.

However, I start appreciating the small snippets of enjoyment I get in between hectic moments. Like today, I took time out to accompany Kiangpin to get stocks and to have lunch with her and with Carissa. I felt soo happy and relieved after that. And I went for Mar YCC meeting at night and even though I was quite drained already, I still managed to laugh and celebrate.

I even enjoy moments at night when I will gorge boxes of strawberries, or take a packet of cold milo to drink from the fridge. Its small things that make me go to bed happy. =)

I'm going to be pia shit tml. Do what I have to do and stop procrastinating. I will complete the tasks on hand tml.

When I wake up, it will be mid week and I'm on my way to a happy weekend.

This week is chaos, madness, cannot breathe. But I think its because I insist on slotting in entertainment and leisure amongst all work. If I die of exhaustion, I can only blame myself.

I miss Samuel as much as I'm hungry now.

edited: I'm damn full now. Its called greediness. Eating 2 big hot dog buns and a box of strawberries when you are having cramps is not joke.

I miss Samuel as full as I am now.

I FUCKING HATE PMS.

"Tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you cant replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?"

I'm extremely emotional and tired. I become sick of everything, sick of myself. I feel ugly and disgusted and total lack of confidence. And to make things worse, I have a giant pimple on my nose thats not healing. FUCK.

I have no right to be sad. Everything went smoothly today. I paid attention during the first half of IEA, I signed up for internship, I had fun laughing during NPD, I went bbq shopping after school, I went home with friends.

Its PMS. ITS GOD DAMN PMS. SAVE ME.

I want to pon school tomorrow. But I have a lesson and 2 project meetings. I cant survive it. I feel so shitty with everything. I cant do it.

I can do it. I have to do it. =( Why isnt there a choice?

"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, I will try to fix you."

I hate this looming disquietude every Sunday.

Heavy head, sunken heart.

The countdown just begins by itself every single week but unconsciously, I always leave it out on Sunday. Sunday is the day he goes back in again. Sunday is the day I get robbed off my happiness. Sunday is the day we get snatched away from the choice in our hearts. The choice of staying is never allowed to be considered. I never wanted Sunday to exist.

Sunday is the day I pack my bags and get ready to leave, when I realised that the most important thing isnt there with me. Just as I want to step out in excitement for the new week, I wake up to find myself even lonelier than before. Stripped out of my brave self.

I have to get over Sunday. I need to head to school to allow my brain to activate my anticipation for his return. Sunday seems so long. Sunday makes the other weekdays look gloomy.

Sunday, a day that sounds so happy, so hopeful, so much cheer and joy. Its all but a bundle of wasteful thinkings. Sunday kills dreams. Sunday is evil. Sunday is selfish. Sunday is a liar. Sunday is grey. Sunday is a villian. Sunday is a pot of tears.

Sunday makes me miss Samuel way too much. =((

I wonder if it was good to have enjoyed Saturday so much. He made me fall for him even more. He showered all love that I will not get to receive in the week. Its the love I get that makes me know how sad the week can be. Its relativity that makes it hurt.

I guess its this longiness that we should pay tribute to if we last. Its this sense of desperation and scrambling to grab on every bit of love that will keep us together. I must be thankful for this sadness I'm feeling. I must be happy that someone is missing me just as much.

"I'm on the taxi now, miss you.."

Bye and see you in a week.

I love my boyfriend. =)

Even if NS made him more tired, drowsy, stoned, and other words to describe fatigue. And even if NS made him less muscular. HAHAHAH!! And everyone was telling me he will become bigger after NS. Not true at all.

But ya, I hope all 1 yr 10 months will be this smooth sailing.

Samuel and I took this super funny SMRT taxi today. Its like Zebra seat covers and there were red cny cushions on the seats, plus many toys in the front and the back. And this plastic Mr Bean sitting at the front seat of the taxi.

And the taxi driver had long hair and was wearing a fedora.

It was kinda freaky but all in all, it was like a new experience in the usual route. =)

Snippets of the awesome day yesterday.

This week is passing too quickly is just strange. Its like I just took a nap and TADAH! Its Sunday tml and a whole new week is about to begin. Its just damn weird. I'm not living, I'm dreaming.

Meeting Eileen is really the ultimate joy of the whole semester (even though the sem just started).

She will always have the ability to make us pour everything out. She secretly knew bits and pieces and was just hearing our point of views of it. I guess she already knew what we wanted to talk to her about but no one was starting that conversation. So once she probed, everything just gushed out like a mad fountain. HAH. It was great cause shes very open to how we felt about things and would just hear us out. I guess everything feels safe with her cause no matter how much I tell her, I wont want her to judge anything and I know she wont. I just want her to understand whats going on and not take on any sides, understand the stuff we keep inside, understand how we really feel.

And Eileen has the ability to make me think more. HAHAHA, its a good thing. She posed me a question on whether Yining and I worked well together during Sep YCC. From the start I had doubts about our working relationship, we are both v unfraid to voice out our concerns so clashes might happen. And Yining was so much more experienced than me, but I was CC and she was ACC, which made me kinda worried. But ya, I guess in the end things did work out well. We had our own strengths. And since we are both vocal, we didnt hide much from each other. Any shit, just say kind of attitude. There were many times we disagreed but I think we managed to work things out. I still rmb how we can harp on the issue of safety for beach games for damn long. Thinking of it is funny, but the process was pekcek.

Eh Yining isit ah? I dont really remember the details.

All in all, meeting Eileen was great. =)

Of the many photos I happily saved, I realised that quite a number of them are photos of rooftops of some sort.

I like that away from the ground but still rooted to the ground feeling. Like I cant say I like being lifted off ground cause I dont like being in a plane and the suspending feeling. But I cant say I like being on the ground too cause I dont really want a garden. But ya anyway, I want to be able to see the sky from the rooftop.

I will dream to have a rooftop space big enough to fit a day bed, a small coffee table, and if its really that big, please put in a swimming pool too. I will lounge there all evening and night, fall asleep, with the night starry sky as my blanket, and my lover as my heater.

Okay, I imagine my house to either be very far away frm other houses, or its above all the other houses. Or else everyone can watch me roaming around the roof. HA, big joke.

I feel soooooo tired I can knock out anytime.

Guess its too many late nights with too many early mornings. Thanks to too many activities. Have not been so tired for a very long time alr. And this just means that I'm getting old and that school has really started in full swing. Full swing doesnt mean climax. It just means usual fast pace. Climax is when deadlines start slapping in. And that is actually coming soon...

When I'm tired, I always yearn for that familiar shoulder to lie on, that fuzzy warm hug and those nice big hands to massage my back. =((((( I really miss Samuel. There's always one emo day per week and I reckon it will be today.

I'm so glad I was so busy I didnt realise its going to be Friday tomorrow.

Sometimes Singaporeans are really too obedient. You know, usually whats the rule on the train? Move to the centre of the cabin. And so everyone really just squeezed into the centre of the cabin, leaving a big empty full-of-air space near the doors. Its like when there are not soo many people, we should learn to have our own space and just spread out.

Next on a totally unrelated topic I was thinking about.

Is there such a thing as a constant feeling? Like ability to love someone for a lifetime. I shouldnt say its an ability cause you just have it and you dont see it as an ability cause no extra effort or extra attention is forced onto yourself to love that someone. For example, why is it possible that you can love your family no matter what they do or do not do. Is it just because of the common blood flowing through our bodies? Thats quite a lame reason right? But why is that possible? Is it possible to love someone else, besides your family, for a lifetime? What constitutes this feeling of love? You dont love any person who is nice and sweet to you. You just love that someone. You dont love any person who is nice and sweet and handsome and smart. You just love that someone.

WHY? Attraction? If its attraction, then I reckon its just temporary. Someone else will attract you another day. Not just why, but more like is it even possible? Do couple die still loving each other? Maybe its not love that keeps them together anymore, its the sense of responsibility, the sense of insecurity of being alone, the habit of being together. Then you wouldnt add the word loving in front of couples (ie loving couples), we should just call couples habitual.

Is love habitual? Do I love my family because I dont want to lose them, because I've been living with them? And not because of the word Love? Is new love a result of attraction, but old matured love a result of habits? Can habitual love be as sweet and giggly and exciting as attraction love?

Okay dinner time.

Everybody all for ONE. This summer has just begun. =)

I'm getting more and more fun in Mar YCC meetings. And I really hope everyone in the comm feels that way too. The dynamics is just super awesome. Peaceful and light hearted. I feel Y CAMPish again. =)))

Hello Mid week when I wake up tomorrow. Projects are starting to heat up alr. I feel myself packing my schedule to the brim with meetings after meetingsssss in my free time. I have to remove dread in my mind. I always dread to go somewhere to do something, but when I'm there, I always end up having so much fun. How nice if the feeling of dread just didnt exist, then I can head to every activity with total light heartedness and enthusiasm.

Today on the way to meet Peifen for lunch, I kept staring at my reflection on the train windows. I was reflecting about how blessed I actually am. I started of thinking, "woah, my face is so smooth" HAHAH! Not sure why the sudden thought but anyhow. I dont think I lack friends, I dont lack love, I dont lack opportunities, I dont lack rewards- material and non material. I should be the world's happiest person. I think I should be.

I love my boyfriend more than Tau Huay. But I didnt want them to wait for me to eat later so I decided to be socially responsible. And I guess I'm letting my emotions depend on him cause I trust that he will keep them safe. And this trust is not built over nothing. It has its own foundation and history. So dont worry if I'm becoming wussy over small stuff about him. I think dependance on each other is important in a relationship.

Enough of brain juice leftovers. I've got no more so I need to sleep and let it recharge.

IM SO HUNGRY!
WHATS WRONG MANZ.

I do believe I've eaten a sufficiently filling meal today with the lonerds.

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
I'M SO HUNGRY I CAN EAT A WILD BOAR NOW.

I MISS SAMUEL ALL OVER AGAIN.

I know if hes not in camp, we still meet almost once a week only. But I've not gotten over the fact that hes in a place where he cant come out whenever he wants to. I want to stop worrying, stop feeling sian for him, stop feeling all these -ve thoughts about camp.

Its like ripping my arm and locking it up somewhere I cant go. And the key word is ripping, cause we have no choice. It is being taken away by force.

Whenever Saturday comes, I get all excited but secretly hoping Saturday never comes cause when it comes, it just means that its ending soon. Then Saturday comes. I get sooo happy I forgot about the end. And when Saturday comes to an end, I feel depressed like I was before. Its a cycle that will continue.

I guess missing someone is always good. At least for me, I know if I stop missing him, it just means that something is not right.

Okay sleeping kills emoness. Goodnight empty room.

Happy Birthday Ah Khar. =))

Food was amazing. We each ate so much. Its like as if we paid for the buffet or sth, we just kept eating. This is the fullest birthday party ever. Damn shiok.

But then again, I've been having weird gastric pains so eating too much wasnt a very brilliant idea. Hope nothing happens.

I'm having extreme Sunday blues now. =( 10 more mins and its Monday again. A week full of meetings. A week with so little alone time, so little homework time. I kinda yearn for more homework time now. I've got so much to settle.

I miss Samuel. Everything seems so quiet now that hes back at camp.

Yummy in the tummy waffles + chocolate fudge cake. =))))

Ignoring the part when I had sudden gastric pains, yesterday was great. Every weekend should be just like that. =) I guess cause we didnt have alot of activities lined up. Just catch a movie, eat mee pok, and nua until its time to make waffles.

Of course, fun weekends always make me end up in sudden panick attacks. Especially now, I have 2 chapters of NPD and 2 chapters of IEA to read. And I tell you, its not like in sec school, 1 chapter can take me like 3-4 hours to digest and understand. So assuming I take 3 hours each, I need 12 hours to finish reading before lessons tml. DIE. Whats this mannnz.

And I'm going to Ah Khar's Bday party later.

DIE LAAA. But I swear I did work in the week too! Its just cause there was make up IEA ytd, so after reading for the make up, its time to read up for the next lesson which is tomorrow, which is terribly too soon. I even did my CAT homework in the week. DAMN. I guess I'm not doing enough.

Next week, things are starting to really heat up. 2 project meetings lined up alr. And its the race against time kind of meeting. Project proposals are all approaching deadline so soon. Its like I let you know about it 1 week in advance, you dig out time to meet people to do it. I guess next week its all work and no play. Minus the fact that Im meeting Lonerds tomorrow night and meeting Ning and Eileen on Friday. =))) HA.

All the best to the next week.

Life will never be smooth sailing for anyone.

One moment you think you are most fortunate person in the whole wide world, next moment reality gives you a fierce tight slap and you realised that you were wrong all these while.

Its not about being contented and satisfied with what life brings you. Thats just bullshit la. All humans feel unfair and mistreated at times. Its just normal. Its not just how one feels and portrays his/her life. Its about the different situations they land themselves in, with or without preempted about it. Its terrible. You walk right into a sticky situation and get yourself trapped in it. And great, now you cant get out.

Life is full of such obstacles. Life without mental torture isnt life.

And on a sidenote, people reading my blog, dont take what I say way too seriously. I'm serious when I blog, but after I blog, I let go all my emotional baggage and move on. If I blog about recurrent issues, it just means this emotional baggage is heavier but not armageddon of any sort. Trust me, I can handle my own issues. If I want to talk about it, I will. If I dont, it just means its not heavy enough for it to spill out of my mouth. But most often than not, if I dont talk to you (and the key word here is YOU) about it, it just means you are not important. Period.

K box-ed plus shopping. =)

We practically sang all the songs that made us laugh like crazy. Like Boom Boom Pow was madness, couldnt catch up with the rap. Sang oldies from big time singers then like S Club 7, Spice Girls, Britney Spears and Teng Li Jun. Okay Teng Li Jun's song was just sang by me. Jean and Ed were like dying in torment. HAHA.

Shopping was strangely productive today. Wasnt meant to be a shopping day but we happened to bump into many staple clothes. I'm glad its no longer the winter season at F21 and the other stores. Winter wear and Singapore just dont go.

Samuel is back. =) We'll have fun tomorrrrrow!

HAHAH seriously, we look damn cute.

Happiest news today:

Samuel told me that they will be organising an event for them to head down to Sunbeam to play games with children in need.

I feel so touched knowing that NS guys are doing com service, knowing that Samuel is going to do com service and I feel even touched-er knowing that Samuel knows that by telling this piece of news to me, I will be super happy.

=))) I'm such a dork, seriously. Being happy about community service. HAHA. So funny. But I think being a dork is cool.

I've not felt soooo happy for a long time. I am really com service deprived.

We went to APSN delta senior and MINDS-SIA today. I had soo much fun just interacting with the students and going around the school. I dont know how to express how happy I was to be able to put on so many smiles to so many students today. They made me happy made them happy. =)

MINDS-SIA clients even put up a performance for us. Its damn honoured to be seated in the hall, and being blown away by the amazing performance by the clients. Damn cool la. The drums people had super good tempo and focus. The dancers really know how to move their hips. And the singer was super good. He made us DAMN high. Kunloong, Guosheng, Peifen and I actually got up on our feet to start dancing and singing too. It was really enjoyable to let everything down and just soak up the light heartedness in the hall. I really truely thoroughly enjoyed myself.

It reminded me of Apr YCC with MINDS Woodlands. =) Nomis was telling me he really liked Apr YCC. And looking through photos and all, I recalled how much I love it too.

I think Mar YCC needs abit of pushing and everything will fall into place nicely sooner or later. Thou shalt panick so much. But I think I will have damn alot of fun this time too. I can imagine all the music and all the buddies dancing nonstop. All the happy faces, all the excitement and enthusiasm, all the love. =)))))

I feel really really happy. I am so glad to be in SMU Uni Y. Serious. I was given (and is still being given) so many opportunities. I am given alot of autonomy to do things I like and feel for. I am very thankful and appreciative of that. Like not everyone is given a chance to plan 2 awesomest camps. Honestly, it takes me some time before I will open myself up and take on anything for a CCA. But this time, I really want to do something. Uni Y com service was able to retain volunteers do go for camp after camp. I'm sure we are able to retain volunteers for other progs too. We'll see how it goes.

Val is so happy she will sleep early tonight! =D

After a post on how vulnerable relationships are, now its time to blog about how vulnerable individuals are.

One mind, One body, One soul. Theres only one of everything. Something screws up and bham, the individual collapses.

After hearing news of someone in my 2nd circle of friends leaving this world was strange. I dont know her personally so when I heard the news, I wasnt like super sad at her physical departure, but I was sad that humans are actually so weak. I was sad that she was so young and was on her way to create change in the lives of people around her. I was sad that she was trapped in her thoughts all by herself for so long. I was sad that people couldnt enter her life. I was sad she always look like she was okay. I was sad that she had to choose this path- to leave and run away forever.

She must have felt she had no choice. She must have felt so terrible.

I really do understand some parts of her pain.

I felt like it was just so sad cause for someone to choose this painful route to abandon everything and everyone and not pack their bags and just dump absolutely everything of her past, present and future, it must not been easy. To leave this world was a better choice than to stay. She must have felt soo soooo alone.

Would she have stayed if she could witness the pain and hurt she caused to the people who loved her? The people who rushed down to her wake. The people who ordered flowers quickly for her. The people who cried, who were shocked, who just couldnt believe she disappeared from their lives. If she could see all these now, would all these have changed? Its an irony isnt it?

Perhaps we should start appreciating and noticing things that are invisible to you. Noticing something invisible is such an oxymoron. Things are meant to be visible, but when they are visible they tend to be fake sometimes. Its only the real kind deeds that people do for you when you are not looking that are genuine. Its just a big wonder. But we dont get to see these, like how she couldnt see how people panicked today for her.

Life is vulnerable. Cherish the people around you. Give them love. Seriously, you will never run out of it. Give love before someone runs out of it.

Mon lessons are going to suck real badly this sem.

IEA which is absolutely confusing with all the lingo. I'm okay with Economics theories but not updated with whats happening in the world. So, 1st lesson today was horrid. But it was fun with Ning la. HAHA.

NPD is horrrible ttm. The prof is condescending, irritating and absolutely anal. Enough said. I bought the damn textbk alr so all of us are going to llst. HAHHAHA.

Uni Y AGM was really fun today. Its amazing to see how the outgoing exco merge with the incoming. But it was actually quite sad for me in another way seeing the people I used to work with leave. And I was torn between tau huay and ice cold beer tooooo. I would love to go to both, would love to mingle with the outgoing exco for the last time. AH, GUILT. And like I might not have a chance to talk to them ever again. Oh well, but I had fun at icb too. HA. Okay no politics here, just saying. If anyone's from Uni Y and you are reading this (maybe Yihan!), no worry k, nothing's going on. HA.

2 more lessons.
4 more days.
To a happy weekend.

Things are not going as smoothly as I thought it will be.

I'm demanding, hes demanding. I was really sad. I was really sad for having to go through 5min phonecalls for the week but not get rewarded at the end. Its like you tell yourself its okay if I'm lonely all week, the weekend will be all worthwhile. And the phonecalls made me feel that the weekend will be damn awesome cause of all the misses. Its the built up of expectations that werent supposed to be. I made myself so excited.

I know hes not to blame, but I'm not to blamed too. But I felt punished. I want to be rewarded in the weekend. He wants to be rewarded in the weekend too. I guess we need to find the mid point, where both will give in without passing the overboard line, causing the party to feel suffocated.

It all boils down to:

"I'm going to book in alr, why must you still be angry with me?"
vs
"You are going to book in alr, why cant you be nicer to me?"

I didnt even know what was wrong with me. I was feeling afraid and lonely and just very sad. You know like the feeling of being drenched and left in the rain in pitch darkness. Its like the guard I put up all week, I just stripped it off when I saw him, only to realise its not the right time to do so. Its weird. I thought it was weird.

Oh well, went for a swim today and everything seems to be resolved. We'll see how it goes next weekend and the next and the next.

Still love my boyfriend.

Wasnt in the mood to take alot of photos last night. So shall wait for others to upload their photos. I like these photos most. Jean and I were making full use of facilities so we decided to print a photo of ourselves at the party for Yiling. We shamelessly hung the photo up too.

Jean and I were practically roaming around together. The night before, I've no idea how we managed to find stuff to do till 4am and the next day, we continued roaming doing nothing until the evening. But it wasnt that bad la. HAH. We managed to let time pass quite quickly. I guess Jean and I had a great time on our own, in our bubble. HAHA.

Yiling was damn hot. Not that shes not hot all the time but she was exceptionally hot on her bday. HA Lijian must be damn happy.

Happy Birthday Yiling! =)

I saw someone strolling around town in this. THIS. YES. THIS. SO CHIO HOR.

I'm treating my blog like twitter.

I love Victor's Olive Green Shirt. And I was so thrilled when Shaun said he liked Victor's shirt that is olive green without hearing me say it. I feel so happy looking at Olive Green, its like a current obsession. If I can, I will rob Victor of his Olive Green Shirt. Worse thing, he bought this shirt overseas.

RAH. I will find a super chio olive green cardigan soon.

Never do tomorrow what you can do today.
This shall be the quote of my 2010. Please remind me of it as much as you can.

And DAMN I didnt get my social pscyh, I hope more people manage to drop it and so I can try to bid for it again later.

Have you wondered why are 4 sided shapes shaping our lives? Like boxes in calendars are squarish, the box im typing in now is retangular and so on and so forth. Why cant they be circular? Arent circles more peaceful?

What constitutes a bad volunteer? If I follow all guidelines and must dos for a volunteer, does that mean I'm a good volunteer? But does that mean I'm no where close to being a bad volunteer? Why should volunteers be judged? Arent volunteers already giving in their time and effort? They are not paid at all and they gain absolutely nothing material and tangible. Shouldnt everyone be given equal chances to do the same things? What happened to all volunteers are gems? Why is pressure included in the pot of voluntarism? Shouldnt voluntarism be totally and purely decided by the individual cause he/she wants to help? Why is it so that politics happen in this area too? Theres no money no reputation nothing to compete and compare about. Humans are weird. Competing over power? Competing over experience? Competing over what? Must politics enter this pure and beautiful world that real world hasnt polluted? What happened to "I will do anything for the benes" or "its all for the benes"? Are volunteers taking too much of the limelight? Isnt voluntarism suppose to mean being real and genuine and sincere? Or else why volunteer? Are the volunteers taking volunteers too seriously? Are volunteers taking progs too seriously that the main purpose is gone? Are volunteers becoming too kind and being too bothered about giving the best to benes that the sincerity of relationships between them is fading?

I want to take a back seat, I want to be volunteering not because of my friends, not because of the experience I have, not because Im in CVG, not because Im in Uni Y, not because of my position, not because of my connections.

I want to volunteer because I want to bring joy to the benes. I want more people to bring joy to them. I want to be able to work with these people to bring joy to the benes. But at the same time, I want to have real friendships with the volunteers.

Quoting from Chaojified: "a sing dollar for your thoughts." HAHAHH!

Something heavy to start the awesome weekend.

Today will be a happy day.

After a whole day of training, Samuel still called me asking what my nightmare was. HAHAHHAH!! And he reassured me that lesson tomorrow will be fine, knowing that its a mod I bidded alone that should be crowded with pros.

I feel euphoric. =DDDDD

A few more days.

Two is better than one.

This must be the in song now. I heard it twice today, once on MTV, another on the radio, in a short span of 2 hours.

Someone please jio me out to mug soon. I got case studiesssss to read!!! ZZZZZZZ..

I had the worst nightmare ever last night. Okay its more like a dream when I was still asleep at 11+am. It was so bad I cried so hard that I woke myself up. I was tearing so much cause I was damn traumatised. I guess cause it played on the fact that no one takes my fears seriously since young. So I was practically alone facing my fear while everyone was disturbing me about it. And the people disturbing about it were people I thought I was close to, so it was betrayal. Only Samuel takes my fears seriously. So that played on another fact that Samuel is not there to face my fears with me.

Honestly, if I put what I dreamt of here, people will make fun of me. Maybe cause I'm not a girly pretty girl, so people think I'm stupid being afraid. I'm always this garang boyish dude to my friends. Its not wrong but I have my own fears too.

Im so very deep into my dreams. Its like metaphorical. Today's dream was fixated on the theme of Betrayal and Loneliness in my own world, where no one would want to be in with me. Its terrible, I swear.

Just this once, just for now, just like that, its over.

No phonecall tonight again. But I guess I should stop making a big fuss that he didnt call. It should be a norm and not like the "OMG He didnt call!" kind. I should stop being disappointed every night. Its just dumb putting myself through such pain. I should convert all disappointment into surprise if he calls. So instead of being sad he didnt call, I should be happy if he calls.

That will work. =)

I had fun with Yiling and Jean today. Lesson was great too. I felt so proud of myself for class parting. It was just like a random answer not like the type where I will think think think and get the adrenaline rush and realised the prof moved on to another topic alr. I wonder if that happens to my peers but it happens to me very often. HA. But today, I felt so natural answering in class. I'm improving.

OH CRAP HOLY SHIT. Why must the radio play "Lucky" now?!?!? You know like how some songs will just pull certain heart strings and make you recall of a certain moment in the past. Its like its the song meant for that piece of memory when Samuel was in China. This song is tied to that part of our past when we were seperated for the longest period of 2.5 weeks. HAHH.

Laugh all you want. It felt so long for me.

I cant wait for Yiling's bday. Really. Its like a long time since I attended a bday party. And I can see Yiling and Jean again. And I can see Edward and Siewhoon. And its where I can reunite with Samuel again. =)

I told you to promise that you will call.
To make me feel relieved, you did.

Then I told you not to promise so easily.
To make me less hopeful, you decided to take back your promise.

Is it better to know your route to hell and the obstacles you face before having to face them? Or is it better to be kept in the dark, and slammed with challenges when they step in your way? I'm already in the first category, where I know alot and I know what to expect. I'm just waiting for them to come. I know theres 10 days outfield, I know theres 2 overseas trip, I know all the confinement and the sudden outfields. I'm just waiting for them to happen.

But I'm not being happy waiting cause the fact that I'm waiting makes me unhappy alr.

If I didnt know anything, I just assume that nothing will happen and I lead my everyday normally. I will be peaceful and calm and just sad that hes not around on weekdays. But when challenges come, I will be dropped from 50 storeys high without learning how to use a parachute. The pain might be greater from not knowing how to use a parachute vs not mastering the art of using the parachute. Afterall, I will never know how to make myself fully happy.

At least now I know whats going to happen. I can prep myself to the most I can ever prep. Might be a low 5% of mental prep, but its better than none. No? HHHAA. YESYESYES. I insist.

After self talking and also talking to Ning today, I became even more appreciative towards him. As what Kunloong mentioned about how small things matter to me, I still think its absolutely true. The small gesture of not complaining about NS to me, about him insisting hes not sleepy when I talk to him, about the way he hurriedly brought me to his bunk to look at his week's schedule (when everyone was boarding the bus to head back), all these just add to how sweet he can actually be.

All these far surpassed his ignorance of using sweet nothings. Ha.

I shall just busk in this invisible bubble of love that I blown up by myself.

YEAH! At this moment, Samuel just msged me. =)))) I love Samuel so much. And everytime I say this, I wonder what how our common friends feel. Hahahhahaa.

First day of school was not too bad. =) I was walking to school like a super loner (as usual), not looking at anyone at eye level. Then I spotted someone waving in my direction. Feeling unloved, I ignored but the person persisted. HAHAH. It was my Biz Law groupmate. I love bumping into her cause we will be like super enthu to bump into each other, macchiam like tio 4D that kind. Then as I walked on with my music playing in my ears, I heard someone shouting my name from behind, and there she is, my MPW groupmate. Another one whom I'm quite close with. We wanted to bid together this sem but our timings dont match. So I felt, Hey I'm not that sad today afterall. Just as I was beaming, I met Nomis. HAH.

And in class, I saw a few familiar faces too! Wasnt difficult finding a project group.

This is super rare. Super rare I feel like I have so many friends in SMU. It just so happened that I met most of them on the same day. HAHHA. =))))

I even made my class laugh today when I told them the reason why I'm in the class. Everyone had to let the class know more about them and why we chose this class. So, I told everyone I lost my bid for another mod twice, and this mod is kinda cheap. I was honest down to the roots. =/ Ya and everyone laughed. Guess when you are feeling happy, people around you seem to be more acceptable of you too.

After class, while waiting for Ning, I went to Cathay to look at the chio shoes which I wouldnt ever get to buy. And when I was back in school waiting again, Shiqi came over. =DD Then we met Sophie and then Ning came.

Today is an excellent day. =)))) I wish for more days like this in school.

I saw this fucking chio puma skate shoes that I will wear everyday and never get sick of that can replace my blue pokpok shoes which are so confortable cause its men shoes, which I will match with all my clothes which has the most awesomest colour combi with pink, black and like mild leopard prints that I will never find anything similar or close to being its substitute,

at Left Foot,
that costs $119,
which is totally OOS.

Bye Eyecandy forever!

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is magical.

I dont know how to describe how I feel. Such movies make me want to watch it again to dig out more thoughts from it.

How does it feel like to opt for a clearance of your memory of a certain someone, only to regret it in the middle of the process? I felt so painful and wrenched at that part of the plot.

Goodnight.

I look damn ugly here cause it was damn hot and humid all day and I was sweating like a wild boar. On top of that, I had 3 mosquito bites from OCS. Thanks.

I miss Samuel alr. =((( He just knows how to make me happy and giggly over I dont know what. I felt so happy when I was there, and when we had to leave, I felt the surge of sadness. With love comes pain. But I think it is still worth it, cause all the small things he does just makes me so happy, like an idiot.

Like the way he pretends that I went today because I want to and not because he wants me to, makes smile already.Then when he finally told me he will be sad if I didnt go, I felt so god-like. HAHHA. Or when he always keep me in his sight today, it makes me feel so protected. =))

I really hope this week and the other following weeks to come just end quickly. I want my weekends. I want Samuel to be back again.

I think what we can learn in 2010 is the vulnerability of relationships. Relationships in every kind of context are never fixed, just one wrong move and everything can be shifted out of course. Not necessarily a wrong move also, just a different approach or a new movement and everything can be uprooted and just turn sour and people start to be foreign to each other again.

Strangers back at square one.

After hearing so much today, it feels like being very close and being very foreign is just a thin line. Lovers to haters, friends to strangers. Why are relationships made like that? Why cant relationships be built to last? (I realised when I blog about such issues, I always end up with alot of questions. Line after line of questions that will never have answers to them.)

Its quite a sad fact from the way I see couples split, or I see friends who stop meeting up. The way one moment you are so caught up with this person, you guys are like peas, and the very next moment, something snaps and that connection just breaks off. You start feeling awkward and strange, just like when you guys first met. I mean, everyone would have gone through this many times where you are super close with this person, and next moment you guys stop meeting and that friendship just dies off.

Ive always wondered if I stopped contacting everyone for say 3 months, who will still try to contact me? Who will be waiting for me, excitedly and most eagerly? Dont mention 3 months, actually in the volatility of human nature now, I think a month is painful enough. Maybe its just me, I feel awkward easily but, on the other end, I get close to people easily too. That explains my minute amount of friends in school. I can be super friend during the sem of meetings, but after meetings stop, I feel awkward talking to you. I am quite gross, I know. It pisses me off too.

And the amount of hate that can generate from a bad ending is just scary. I dont understand how can someone hate the person you once love? Actually, how can one actually hate another person? Arent we all humans? Is hate a word too strong to even be mentioned? In the first few quarrels, I mentioned 'hate' to Samuel and he made me promise not to say it ever again. I think I kept to my promise and Im glad I did. Even if its not meant as like hardcore hate, its still not nice to do so. Yes back to my point, how can people treat other people like dogs, like slaves, like they deserve to die? I'm not being all holy but I just think its wrong.

But I met an old friend today. It was quite heartwarming when he waved at me so vibrantly that (to be honest) it gave me a shock. HAHHA. Why cant all friends be like that? The amount of warmth seemed like it was stored there, ready to be used when we meet again. Is it cause we didnt meet, didnt talk, didnt update, didnt cyberstalk, totally didnt contact at all for say 3-4 years? But after today, will we meet again? I cant tell.

Imagine Samuel was really confined for 3 weeks, will I feel awkward if I meet him again? I think at the moment when I meet him, I will. But of course 3 secs later I will fall in love with him again. HAHHAH! Okay moving on..

I guess this year, I will try my best to maintain relationships. Juggling my school time and YMCA time and Samuel time, I will insert some time for important friendships that mean alot to me. But come to think of it, I think I did a pretty good job so far. I may not have many friends, but the teeny amount of friends I have are of great quality. The type that will step forth for me. Okay this year's aim is the up the quantity and maintain the quality. Wah hard time.

I've blabbered too much. Its 3.25am in the morning and I'm going OCS Visitation tomorrow. I need to maintain my relationship.

Seriously, I dont know what I'm in for this year. Samuel in camp perpetually most of his life this year, and me practically single on weekdays. I foresee myself stuck in ambiguity, which I really not like, but I have to suck it all up. I foresee Samuel going through alot that he doesnt like too.

This is one rough patch for us, being together for 5 years, there are just some things we are used to already. These things taken away makes our relationship different. I dont want this year of our relationship to be one that is focused on surviving and going pass this stage. I want it still to be a proper relationship. (I'm not sure if anyone understands what I'm talking about here.) Its like its not about trying not to be sad, its about being happy. Its not about getting used to it, but about being satisfied. Its not about an empty relationship but a wholesome one that this year will cause an improvement on.

This year will not be easy. But we will pull through. Everyone will. Its only whether the end of the year's conclusion is something you wanted to achieve for at the start.

I'm back to blogging damn long posts. HAHAHHAHH! Pity your eyes for reading my brain vomit. =)

My good old friend said this to me:

"You must
1) be proud of him and be by his side as much as you can
2) be strong, knowing that he is in equal pain as well
3) realize that this is only a short term pain and that this is nothing compared to the times you guys have been together and compared to the future ahead
4) and that good times will come eventually

love doesnt require
the one you love to be beside you physically
youuu are not aloneeeeeeeee
samuel is here with youuuuuuu
though you guys are far aparttttt
you're always in his hearttttttt (and vice versa)"

Thou shall be a wee bit more positive knowing the person I miss, misses me too. Val, look forward, dont be too stuck in this rut.

I have to stop emoing this instance. But it is difficult.

School is starting in 2 days and I feel immensly depressed. I hate that lonely feeling in school. I cannot fit in and I have damn few friends in school. It feels like when I walk around in school, I cannot lift my head up. I am a loser and a dumb ass totally studying at the wrong school, in the wrong course. I dread everyday at school. Those projects flung unto me, making me do things I really dont like. I have to act smart and think I'm smart all day. Everyone is competing to outwit each other and I dont want to be in this match.

My favourite period of time at school was when I can meet up with people after school. I can play and forget about the disgustings of school. I especially love the period when Samuel was out of school and waiting to enlist. He will come to school to find me, bring me out after school or take me out for Mac breakfast in the morning. And obviously, all these cant happen anymore.