Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

"Monday morning – that’s what it is about – each week, it needs to be a time to look forward to, not a time to start counting down to the weekend from :D So even now, while choosing a major, pick a subject that intellectually stimulates you, not just one that seems to lead to the best paying jobs!."

My mkting prof said that in the email he sent to the class.

I need to start looking forward and not harping on the present. I need to find something that stimulates and motivates me to move. This sem is really filled with burdens that made me dragged myself to school everyday. I guess its knowing that this Sem's GPA will be horrid that is making me even more discouraged.

The thought of MA just creeps me out. Theres peer evaluation for MA project and I will screw that up too. I'm terrible at MA so I cant contribute much during the project and so my groupmates will think I'm a slack, even if they dont, its natural to rank me as the smallest contributor of the project. I'm just totally screwed for MA.

I must aim for at least a B. I must push it up to a B. My first quiz was a B, my second was a flop. I'm sure I can bring it up!!

I'm just the sort of person who harps on everything but what I'm supposed to be focused on. I can think about the whole wide world and what they are doing and not about what I should be doing. Why cant I live for the moment? Why must I have so many voices in my head? Why must I be who I am?

Seriously, this sem is making me nuts. Plus departure of Samuel to Tekong, I think this period of time will not be an easy one for me.

No song can be close to making me want to cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ml0x5G-MAc&feature=PlayList&p=6E566A26C5F396E6&index=55&playnext=15&playnext_from=PL

as recommended by Kunloong.

FUCKKKK!!!

Major declaration is closed. WTH?! I was still viewing the page ytd! HOW COULD THEY CLOSE WITHOUT WARNING!

I think I was blunt again today.
Soon, the committee will hate me.

But sometimes, I really dont give a shit.

1.52am now, and its Friday. =D

Bidding is a pain in the asshole. So much coordinating, so much of deciding how much to bid, who to bid for, which time slots to bid for. Zzzz. I'm going to be lonely again next sem. Going to take sociology mods by myself, all by myself. But I hope I will be happier than I am this sem. I'm giving myself a break from the mundane business cores. Time to understand societies. =)) Gawd, I'm damn excited to study about societies you know you know you knowwww.

Finance and BP and MS and what nots, you guys dont have priority. I'll handle you guys next time. Okay not confirmed though, I might take Finance in the end. But I dont want to neglect marketing. ZZZZz. WHY SO MANY BUSINESS CORES TO TAKE!!! HATE THEM!!

I think I should stop being so blunt. The world is about coexisting with other human beings. No man is an island on his own. I should stop making enemies. I must think kind thoughts and clouds and butterflies and letting everyone make their own mistakes. I should try not to push my ideas unto others. Their minds and actions are for themselves to control.

On a side note, today is Thursday. =)

Yesterdayyyyy,
all my troubles seem so far away.

I swear I will study tomorrow. I will finish studying for Mkting Quiz 2 tomorrow. I just slacked too much recently. Its becoming a habit.

You know sometimes your mind just feels so burdened, so much that you dont want to do anything. You just dont know where to start, how to continue, how to progress. So you end up not doing anything and the guilt and burden just piles. The more it piles, the worse you get. And this cycle never stops till one fine day, someone/ something just breaks you off this cycle. Like knock you out of our senses. Everyone just needs a climax in everything they are doing. Motivation. May be higher pay, a promotion, a new challenge, a greater sense of achievement, a greater sense of belonging. It varies from people to people.

I need to find a drive soon. I had alot of it in JC. I was so pumped up with all the energy I needed. Like I was so efficient that I could sleep at 10pm every night even during As. I was amazing. And my memory was like powerpacked. I just have to read through something once, I can remember all the details alr. Thats why JC was easy peasy to me. But now, its different. Its a phrase of my life when I think that Uni life is taking too long. Draggy and boring and just not me. Just not what I want.

This sem has been really tough. Not in the amount of workload, but in the amount of burden in my head. It just presses onto me too much that I end up not doing anything. The burden of accounting can be so high that it makes me want to cry myself to sleep everyday. I have time but I just cant bring myself to face it. Everytime I face it, it just mocks at me. I feel more and more discouraged.

At the end of the day, its not about time, its about the mental state. The mental state overpowers everything. Mindfulness. Im lacking of it. I'm doing something but my mind is on the other. The mindfulness of that activity is always very low. I keep thinking of other stuff, I can think about anything and everything but not that particular thing that I should be focusing on.

Its really a pain.

I love my boyfriend sooooo much. =))

Cause he called me after lights out just to say goodnight. =)))

I continued talking to him but he didnt cut me off halfway, he still let me yak on.

I'm so proud he got Gold again! Any early release from Pulau Disgusting?

Emo yesterdays made happy today. We had like happy pastries first. It was heaven mannz. The apple cinamon bun was damn goood. Damn juicy with sweeetness. And the damn big mug of mocha which was too much for me. After which, we exercised walking up and down HollandV, and settled at Sushi Tei. Ate oily pork and tried taking photos to make ourselves happy. Apparently my cam isnt being good today so the photos were like shat.

We were supposed to have dessert after which but too full so we exercised by doing some serious camwhoring. I think taking photos make us happy, like running up and down to set the timer and checking if the photos turn out well just made us so energised. Photos were like shat but we were quite happy still.

I'm glad I spent this day slacking. It was good chilling fun. Some crap talk and some HTHTs. Mostly crap talk la. Seriously, we can talk all day without running out of topics. Even on the train home we were still laughing about erh, stuff. Dont think I should mention them here. HAHAHH!

Ya but I had great simple fun today. PICNIC NEXT!

Dear called me at 10.40pm when I gave up hope. =D

Think happy thoughts.
Wear happy clothes.

Tml is happy clothes day, as announced by Jean. So tml will be a damn awesome happy day. =))

Seriously, Jean is like my bestest companion these few weeks of my shitty life.

Hell of an wreck.

I'm made up of mood swings and emotional madness. I feel depressed now. I need Samuel to swim out of Tekong NOW.

I'm made of tears.

When he said " I need to sleep alr", I just couldnt handle it.

I'm really a dork. A wuss. A dickhead. A shithead. Whatever you call a loser. I just feel so bad about myself when I feel sad. Its like I'm supposed to give Samuel all the support I can but I'm not. I'm letting him know how depressed I am here. How can he feel good there if he knows I'm terrible here? Ah shit la.

BIG PILE OF SHIT.

When darkness turns to light
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.

This week without Samuel is different from last week. Last week, I started off sad, then recovering slowly and began adapting well. This week, I started off brave, deteriorated, and now I'm a wuss.

All the negative thoughts in my head. Thinking about how shitty these 2 years will be, how alone we will each be, how our lives will diverge, how our lives will be strapped down by the restrictions, how we are no longer in full control of our relationship.

How long will I survive on this? How will he survive on this? Its the together but not together thing I dont like. Can I rely on him? Am I supposed to rely on him? Am I allowed to rely on him? How can I rely on him? If I rely on him, Im just going to be depressed being alone.

Relationships are a pain. They make you a sickly individual, out of control of your life and emotions, dependent on the other for the perks of your life.

I need to go to camp soon. Why are there no camps during this period of time? Why must camp come when he POP? I want to feel like the strong ironwoman at camp.

"Can you be my girlfriend?"

"Why?"

"Because you massage for me."

"Because you make agar agar for me."

"Because I want to be your boyfriend."

=))))

30 more mins.

This weekend doesnt feel like a weekend to me. I think I had too many days that felt like weekends this week. Like Monday with Jean and Hongkit and Tues with the Y ppl. That was more like the weekend.

But this week is quite shiong. Maybe cause I played too much but I had stuff to complete every night.

I am feeling nothing now actually. Like totally zombified. Thinking too much makes my brain dead. How ironic, u think to make ur brain not think anymore. But this is thinking too and so my brain is still working. It is just having selective thinking. It is on auto pilot mode where it just runs on its own.

I love making powerpoint slides. I should get photoshop soon. Someone tell me where to get photoshop cheap leh.

20 mins.

Dont emo,
dont emo,
dont emo.

AHHH.

Dont emo.

The weekend is actually not very lonely but I feel so lonely inside. Thinking that Samuel is far away, going through training everyday, while I'm here doing my own thing, totally different from his, makes me very sad. Like we are not in sync. His life is his, my life is mine. =(( I miss him so much today.

Dont emo.

I'm crowded by people, but my heart feels all alone.

Dont emo. Dont emo.

I got cramps and I feel so moody and murderous. And I have to wake up early tomorrow (even though I chose to do so to go for Y Outing) but still, I have to wake up early. Fuck my cramps are killing me.

Some people are really THICK.
and DUMB.
and such an ASSHOLE.

FUCKING BITCH.

Honestly, if you think I have no feelings, always giggly and fun, just a small harmless friendly girl. Think again. If you are not who you are, if you are not in the situation you are in, I tell you, I will just slam you in your face.

ZZZZZZ. Sorry Dear, I must say this.

KNNBCCB. You just reached my limit.

You are old enough to be more sensitive. Dont think the whole wide world loves you, I DONT. I'm FUCKING sick of you.

Wah what happened to Kelly Clarkson?

Sometimes its good that I listen to the radio and not watch MTV as much as I did in the past. I dont judge songs by appearances of celebrities. Goodness, one day if I decide to park myself in front of the TV to watch MTV, I think I will get a shock.

I told Samuel last night that I want to wake up to study today. But I will only do so if he calls to wake me up. HAHHA. Which I thought was impossible.

He actually called me at 9.30am to wake me up. =)

The day will be great today.

I'm getting tanner by the day, and Chaos and Shaun said its cause whatever Samuel was going through at Tekong, it will reflect on me. Ya I'm getting tanned and I dont know why!

And let me introduce you to the youngest tigger of the family, this is Tekong Tigger. Oh yes, we differentiate the tiggers by occasions. Its like when we try to recall which came when, we are like recapping our relationship. =)

MISSS SAMUEL.

I smell foul. Thats something I really dont like about bbqs/ steamboats. Hair smells like crap, bag smells like crap, everything smells like crap. I bet I will be stained with this foul smell for a few days.

Where should the line be drawn? Who is to determine where? What will happen if I passed your line, without even knowing that your line is so near?

Man should be less complicated. Life is extremely short, we should do what we feel like doing and heck what everyone else thinks. But your life's happiness are always based on how others think of you. Bullcrap to whatever I live my own life thing.

"Oceans apart, day after day,
And I slowly go insane.
I hear your voice, on the line,
But it doesnt stop the pain...
I will be right here waiting for you"

If Dear see this, he wont go wahhh so sweeet. He will go "FAT BOY!" HAHAHHAH!! I think emo love songs are making me miss him so much now.

Today's main topic (maybe its like only one of the many topics.)

Body or Face?

HAHAHHA!

10 more days and I will see your cute face and be back in your muscular arms. Now is that face or body?

HAHAHAH ignore me if this is grossing you out.

Okay yes, ahhh I'm supposed to read about Balanced Scorecard.

Its 10pm but I'm not receiving any calls. WHY!!! I waited all day!!!! BLAHHHH..

OHOH maybe its not face, not body, its VOICE!

Highly doubt so. Damn. Oh Jean but voice applies to your case!! WHOO! Bonus.

I should totally start studying now.

I didnt do any work in the end. WHY! THIS IS BAD! TERRIBLE. I NEED TO MUG OUTSIDE.

And Dear called me at 10.20pm, telling he only has 5 mins. But he still called! So sweeeet. =)

Ya, if you didnt realise, small things do make me really happy. My heart will flutter. Like the small things that happened in the weekend. I said I want to work in Tekong and he was like nono, dont want the other guys to look at you. HAHAH! Or even when the train jerked, and he held me tighter. Or when he insisted on helping me buy food. Or when he helped me carry the sushi after we bought it. Seriously, I take note of such stuff.

Goodness, if I'm not attached, this would be damn dangerous. So easy to be touched. Tsk.

This is a totally what-comes-into-my-mind entry:

Ning is leaving soon. Heart wrenching. Okay but its just 50 days. I think its survivable. Not like some 1 year exchange or sth. Yup! But I'm sure I will miss her. Whos there to HTHT with me!!

I cant wait for Dec, I wanna go on a vacation with Samuel. He said he will go whereever with me. Okay not in such romantic language but the idea's there.

I hate keeping secrets. AHH. But I have to keep it in. MUST!

I must get my jeans soon before the voucher expires. I need to step foot into J8 and try those jeans. $100 Lee voucher shouldnt go to waste!!

I'm looking forward to the week. Ignoring all project meetings again.

Mon: wake up late, reach home in the evening to sleep
Tues: End school so early, going to have IKEA meatballs with Ning, Ju, Wuihou and I dont know if theres anyone else.
Wed: Uni Y stuff at night
Thurs: Nua at home and complete assignments
Fri: I might meet Jean or sth. Its really nice that shes not staying in hall anymore and we have so much time together. Time seperates us too much. HAHAHHA!!
Sat: APSN outing and might be meeting Sab and Kiang Pin.
Sun: Nua at home and complete assignments

=) Then I have the next Mon-Thurs to plan again before I meet Dear.

Dear must be on the ferry to the Land of Men now.

I want to take up driving again.
But I just hate taking the step out to renew my license again.

ZZZ.

I should go private this time I guess.
Its damn difficult to book a driving lesson with my irregular schedule.

I should be more determined. I used to be a very determined individual but I guess the years caught up and I've become a lazy old hag, complaining more than doing.

ZZZZZ.

11 more days and we will be together again.
I think I'm the no 1 girlfriend this weekend. Travelling from orchard to pasir ris to yishun, then going back to Bishan alone. Seriously, that took like 1 million years. But somehow I still thought it was worth it. Strange things that love does to you.

I even made agar agar just for him. HA.

Then yesterday, he fell asleep in the show I always wanted to watch with him. I let him lie on my shoulder to sleep while I kept telling myself I shouldnt be disappointed. I managed to convince myself that I'm just so happy spending Saturday with him, and I really was.

I even gave Samuel a massage. HA.

I shall reward myself the Girlfriend of The Friday and Saturday Award. =)

Now its time to be the Mugger of The Sunday. Somehow this is so much harder.

The thought of seeing Samuel tomorrow makes me so giggly and gay. Makes me feel like some sheep who finally found her way home. HAHAHHAHAH!!!

It feels as if we are going on a holiday this weekend.

DEAR IM SO EXCITED!! =DDDDDDDDDD

Will cherish all the time we have and make the best out of it.

TOMORROW.

=)

Cherish every moment you have, cause even breathing is a joy.
I hope this positive outlook will last me through today.
I'm feeling something different every day.
Being clogged up with school work makes me weird.
I can be like "yeah baby I'm going to conquer all these shit!!"
or I can be "die, just let me give up and die.."
It depends on how I wake up, I guess.

I woke up at 1pm today, it should be a good day.

Seems like its not only me who is counting down.

HAHAHAHA.

"Val! 2 more days ah!"
"2 more days! :)"

HAHAHAH! Yup, 2 more days.

And then I think about the next wkend that he will be confined and I think again, do I want this weekend to come?

I'm THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS excited for April YCC 2010. HOHOHO. I'm sure it will be a smashing event again. =)

You can’t hide it,
it’s there in everything you do
You don’t see it,
and that’s just why I fell for you
If you could see what I see
you would know you’re beautiful

You make it easy to love you
every time you smile at me
And it’s so easy to love you girl
you shine so naturally
I couldn’t even count them
there’s so many ways
You make it easy to love you

Shayne Ward, Easy To Love You

My perfect outdoor wedding will have this song playing when the night sets in.

White tentage on soft beach sand. Quiet and peaceful that you hear the waves crashing at the background. The old fashioned live band in their cute black tux will play this song and my husband, looking ever so handsome, will ask me for a dance. Wearing my cream colour silk chiffon gown, I will playfully remove my heels and dance barefooted with him.

Orange dim lights will light up the place softly. He will smile at me when he hears "its so easy to love you". I will lie onto his shoulders and smile to myself.

We will keep on dancing so gracefully, knowing that life will be beautiful from then on. =)

OKAY, time to earn some money and take up some dance classes. HAHAHH!! I have such a flair for writing things to make hair stand. But I can totally imagine that whole scene. If you want to try picturing that, go listen to the song. Its so happy but simple and sweet.

If I'm good with water colours, I will draw this scene out. Trust me, it looks really pretty in my head. I can actually feel so touched by this scene. I always wanted my wedding on a ship, but I know its quite impossible, so I've lowered it to an outdoor wedding instead. Ha. Reality sucks eh?

I'm getting really lazy and tired easily.

Its all in my mind.

Dear, I miss you again.

I'm extremely unethical and biased in this entry so pardon me.

Ugly guys shouldnt be touchy to girls. HELL EEW. That disgusting face. Im not sure if they are attached but EEEW. Hes like touching her face. Then stroking her arm. Then patting her head. Oh hell noooo. Hes fat and ugly and nerdy and has horrid fashion sense.

And next. What is this girl thinking!? Letting him touch you, in class. Omg man. Want to touch, go some dark corner and touch all you want la. Seriously, you guys should know I'm not an evil person. But this is extremely unbearable.

Okay eew, now they are chair battling, swinging their chairs to hit each other. And secret msg writing.

The girl decided to hit the guy and the guy TSK her damn loudly and diao her. I sniggered in my seat.

OMG MAN. My eyes hurt. I cant focus in class. HAHAHAH!

Seriously, I really dont mind couples touching each other. I mean I know theres love and all, you just want to touch each other sometimes, but not in class la. Its just not appropriate. And you know, SMU seminars are only 50 pax, so its damn obvious.

And I really really want 2 tone leggings. White and Black. But online its just black with skin colour. I dont want! I want it black and white; white and black and nothing else. ZZZZZZZZZ!

Black A or Black B? HOW HOW HOW.4 more days before spree ends and I still cannot decide. I love how chunky A is. Its like fake Dr Martens but I like it less chunky than the originals. The rugged feeling to it. But I like B too. The buckles are so pretty and with skinny legs like mine, they wont look too chunky.

HOW? SHIT!

I will be 10000x happier tomorrow after 11am. =)))
Bye bye and screw off MA (for a while).

Heh I love Samuel. I really wonder how do our secondary school friends feel when they read this. Its like damn weird right? Your classmate telling about how much she loves your other classmate. Is it weird? You know both of them and imagine them being in love. HAHAHAH! Okay I wonder how I would feel.

Val is ever thankful to her friends who treat her like their lover. Rachael gave me bubble gum today to make me happy. =) Kunloong who asks me how I am everyday. Chaos entertaining me all day. Ning talking to me till late last night. Yuting and Edward meeting me for lunch tomorrow. Jean making me damnnn excited for Friday for the wrong reasons. HAHA.

Seriously, this point of time makes me know that I have really great friends with me. Small number but I guess I can survive well with them.

I guess I'm adapting fine. I always say that right? When I say it, I mean it la. But I cant help it when I catch the emo bug. Its like my immunity is low now, so I catch the bug easily. I guess I'm just more emotional and sentimental la. I dont look like I am but I really really am. Not denying it. Okay and I'm more expressive. So that makes me look damn emo to you guys.

HA. MA TIME. SHIT THING.

DEAR CANNOT CALL ME TODAY! =((((((((

HE CANNOT SMS ME TOO!! =(((((

His bro deactivated his sim card accidentally. HOW CAN!!!

I might just cry for the first time tonight.

Okay at least he used his friend's phone to tell me he loves me. But not hearing him before I sleep is like robbing me of my pillow, now the night seems longer. I dont want to drown myself to sleep tonight.

Thou shall be brave and conquer the night alone!

It will be a super beautiful day today. =))

Dont care if I'm going to drown myself in accounting again.

I just know that I will not be emo today.

I'm looking forward to the week.

Mon: sian presentation
Tues: sian MA quiz but theres the 1st April YCC meeting at night
Wed: sian proj meeting but meeting Tiying and Khar for dinner
Thurs: Working at baby shoe shop =) but its at PS so I hope I dont see anyone familiar
Fri: sian mkting study but going shopping with Jean and maybe Yiling ANDDDD..

Dear's back. =DD

I know the week will pass quickly.

I've never met up with so many people in a short period of days before. This 8 days of Samuel being at Tekong, I've met up and will be meeting with:

• Yining and Chaos for icecream
• Jean and Yiling for Dingtaifung
• Sabrina and Kiangpin for Timbre
• YCC ppl for Halloween
• Libing, Andrew and Tiying for Y Reading
• Wuihou, Chaos, Shaun for dinner and lan
• Tiying and Khar for dinner
• Jean and Yiling for shopping

Its like the same loving group of people keeping me company. =) I think thats all the friends I have though. Maybe just a few more. HA. You guys are so dead when Samuel gets confined next weekend.

I will never find another lover sweeter than you,
Sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you
More precious than you

All My Life- Shayne Ward

Everytime I hear this song, I just feel so light. Singing it makes me cherish our relationship more. =)

People might wonder how I can actually feel so loved even though Samuel are so far away. I dont know. Its like the first day when he called me, he called me even though he was unsure when he will have something to do. He called, and after saying like 2 sentences, he had to put down alr. Then he called back again, 1 line, and he had to do something. Then he called again. HAH. Its like I'm so touched by how ganchiong he was to call me.

And today, he called me earlier and he said cause he went to the showers quick and bathed really quickly. HAHAH.

=)) 15 mins every night is worth the long wait all day to receive his phonecall.

I'm very thankful for friends.

So I woke up to an empty house just now. The sky was dark and I was alone, chatting with Tiying and Yihan online. I felt so by myself, missed Samuel so so much. Thought about what Kunloong made me realise. Felt so helpless again.

Then, the phone rang. Okay emo song for ringtone is not good. "I was made the wrong way, wont you do me the right way..." And I answered the phone. "Val! We need you to be our tourguide, where got nice zhu cha to eat? ..... Join us lar!"

And the best part was when I said okay I will be there, the reply was "YEAH! Thank you!" HAHAHHAAHA. I was like, erh thank me for what ah? I should be thanking them.

And after dinner they still tempted me to plan lan. Even though it was a short 45 unprepared minutes of playing l4d, I guess it was shiok enough. Shiok shiok. I need another shooting and screaming session soon man.

Thank you Shaun, Wuihou and Chaos for getting me out when I was feeling shitty. Great timing. =))

Yesterday, Victor was saying he was also in sweet sweet love when he was in the army.

I think I'm in bitter sweet sweet love too. I'm still smiling to myself thinking about yesterday. Not the seperation part, but the time before it. Samuel really fulfilled all the promises he made to me. =) I feel loved from across the waters. HAHA.

Then, Chaos and Tom told me about when they were going to ORD, then the break up came. Then I think of Hong Kit too.

I hope that day wont come for us. Okay, that will be some time to go. Not too long to go, just a short 1 yr 10 mths. Now, every hour matters to me. Like, so many countdowns in my head. Count down to the end of the day for his phonecall, count down to the next weekend when he will be back, count down to his POP...

I should stop counting. Counting makes time pass so slowly and painfully.

And I love my friends who keep telling me time will pass quickly. My camp buddies, Tom and Kunloong. My gingers, Kiang pin and Sabrina. My sisters, Jean and Yiling. My brother, Hongkit. My other brother, Guosheng. My jiemeis, Yining and Yiwei (who makes me sadder). My Y friends, many many many. HAHAH. There are many people who are concerned for me.

All these concern will be transferred to Samuel too. =)

Yeah its finally 3 of us again. And we kind of coincidentally wore high waist skirts today.

SMU magnifies your weaknesses.

I am such a loser.

STOP PUSHING ME.

STOP PUSHING ME TO THE RIM.

I AM STUPID.

YOU RAISED ME FOR NOTHING.

I AM MENTAL.

I AM DEPRESSED.

I AM STRESSED.

THAT GIVES YOU NO RIGHT TO PUSH ME.

The middle child suffers all the shit. The elder gets attention when hes stressed. The younger gets love when shes stressed. The middle gets shot when shes stressed.

I AM THE FUCKED UP MIDDLE.

One moment I'm like, "Yea I'm ready for this change."

Next moment I'm like, "I dont want to be alone."

And then I will be like, "I'm excited for weekends!"

And after that I will be like, "What about my weekdays?"

I'm happy when I have people around me. I laugh and forget what else is going on. And when I'm left alone, suddenly the cloud of loneliness just kidnaps me into my wild imagination again. I worry about everything. You should know how much I can actually worry. Even if there's nothing to worry about, I will still be able to worry about something.

I'm fine. Friends and non stop mugging for weekdays, boyfriend for weekends. Will try to think of this as much as possible to take my mind off worrying. 24 Oct isnt that far away.

Gawd damn it. Its only 8 Oct when he enlists!

Seriously, a baggage of 5 years is at stake. How can I not worry? Will we drift apart? Will things change? I'm not fond of changes. I cant see them as challenges to overcome. I just see them as pitfalls. What if we cant overcome this? What if 5 years turn into nothingness? I've been depending on him for support and strength and company, and now he will be gone for quite a chunk of these 2 years. Will I adapt to this soon? Will he adapt to it? Will I still be important to him?

I dont want him to suffer too. I want him happy. Why must NS rob 2 years of his life away? Why must he be stagnant for 2 years? I dont want to move forward without him there with me.

Okay shuddap Val. He will be with me all the way. Think weekends. Dont think 2 years. Think weekends. Every 5 days. Weekends. Its just this 2.5 weeks and next time would be weekends. Yes. I'm sure there are couples who survive this. Yes there must be.

AHHH. I will die of worries soon.

I think the feeling's coming back. The I-feel-so-depressed-I'm-going-to-die feeling. =(( I hate it. Its not the right time for it to come back. Save me. No one will ever know how that feels like. I just get scared over nothing. I feel trapped, breathless and then think its time for me to die. I'm a mental. But I'm struggling to let it fade away. I cant break down now.

I feel so healthy after chalet yesterday. Frisbee and basketball. And of course, arcade. I think Samuel should be ready for NS life alr. And after FT lunch today, we rushed back home for the climax before Samuel enlists.

Unfortunately, all the photos didnt get media clearance from Samuel so I can only show one here. Cutting his hair was damn fun. But it ended up really quite ugly with holes all around. Heh, still quite good for a first timer though. =D But after that we had to chiong to the barber downstairs cause it got worse.

The barber was rather amused at how Samuel was so brave to leave the house without a cap. He could see Samuel's bad haircut from afar Now you know how bad it was. HAHAH.

But now, its all clean shaven. Nice and neat. All ready for the journey to Tekong. I think I've been through more than enough hairstyles with Samuel so this one isnt that shocking. I'm used to looking at it already.

Still looking good. =)))

And I'm so touched he let me cut his hair.

YEAH! Whats holidays without shopping? So many wants, had to limit myself to the closest-to-needs. Of course, nothing is absolutely necessary in Orchard. Have to control myself mannnz. Luckily I'm shopping with Yiling, if I was alone, I think I will just go home with a bag full of new items and a bag of guilt.

And, organising a birthday party is just too tedious. Just going through the who to invite part is torturous enough. And the bulk of my friends come from Zhonghua and YMCA. Ha. Nothing surprising. But it made me think, I've actually lost contact with people whom I was quite close to before. Its a real pity.

I realised I am particularly sensitive and to a large extent, anal regarding some things.

Take for example, the type of pens I use. I will think I can only do homework or serious stuff when I use uni-ball Signo black pens. Anything else, I will just write in discomfort. And probably blame my bad results on the pen. Yes, I am that weird.

And another thing would be the organisers or notebooks I ever use. I love receiving notebooks as presents. Really, receiving one will just make my entire 6 months happy. But the thing is, when its the start of a new year, or if I need a new notebook for school, I will NEVER use the ones that I received. Really, its like NEVER. I wont bare to write anything to spoil the book. And I will just go buy another book for my personal use. Now you know why you dont see me using the books you guys bought for me. Believe me manz, I love them to bits.

I'm anal about the clothes I wear too. I just cant wear anything out. Not that I'm extremely vain, but its just that sometimes I just cant wear that particular outfit out. I may look ravishing in it, but I just cant. I might get rid of a pretty dress and just put on an ugly shirt out instead. My brain works in a strange way. Its very stubborn.

I'm not very stubborn towards others. But I am stubborn with the nitty gritties in my life. I dont force myself to study, force myself to be nice, force myself to do important things. But I force myself to match colours, match details, match schedules, match all the redundants in others' lives.

I need a redundant job.

Yes? No? Maybe? I dont know, can you repeat the question?

I'm determined to make a photo journal. Hard copy. I want some things real and touchable, some things that I can show the next generation, some things that I can pass on.

Have you ever entered a shop, filled with so much hope and anticipation of leaving later with something new in your bag?

Trust me, it happens to me very often.

But sometimes, the items in the shop are too pretty, too friendly. Especially for me, those scrapbooking/ craft shops. Seriously, everything was smiling to me, screaming "I know you want me, you know I want cha, I know you want me, you know I want cha!!" HAHHA okay pardon that but it was just how I felt when I entered Raffles City's Paper Market.

2nd time entering today, because the 1st trip was overwhelming for me. I thought I've calmed down enough to enter and buy something adorable for my photo album. Entered, screeched in joy, touched everything at least once, felt so blissful. And that lasted for a good half hour.

But I just exited empty handed, yet again. Everything was too good, I couldnt buy one, and not get the other. The other would be pouting at me in dismay and I will stare back in longiness. Not good, its really heartwrenching, from a person who has a soft spot for beautiful craft materials.

I couldnt decide, so I decided not to decide.

It pains me to leave without anything, but it pains me more to stay to pick one/two/three/four/ too many.

Next time, when I have my own shop, I promise not to sell too many beautiful things. Too much of a good thing, is bad afterall. Hah, tactic. See, shopaholics are not bimbos, we are excellent observers, and self delusionists.

I like her hair. I should get it. Maybe I should get it when Samuel's at Tekong so we can both have new hair styles! Not that he will have any, but its a different style too. =P

I think too much.

Far too much for my sanity. Its hard to bring me back down to the ground again. Thinking makes me tired, makes me lonely, makes me sick of the world. Too deep thoughts make me shut down and not want to communicate at all. Not by words and not by anything. I just seperate myself from everyone. Its uncontrollable and unavoidable as well. I hope this phrase pass off sooner than I know it.

I feel so helpless to myself again.

Okay more positive stuff.

"Between now and then, till I see you again I'll be loving you. Love, me." For some reason, this song has been stuck in my head all day and when Samuel plugged in his mp3 into my laptop and played this song, I was like omg. I guess 2.5 weeks away wont do much harm to our relationship, it will just make us miss each other more. Heh.

Guess loving someone is not about meeting him/her every single day. Its about knowing that when you guys get together again, the love will still be just as strong.

I should really write a book.