Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

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Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

I've been having a phobia of sleeping recently. Its like fear of the night, fear of being alone when the lights go out. Its quite freaky. I just have this heart racing feeling when late night approaches and the world becomes silent. I will curl up in bed, but my eyes still darting around. My body is frozen seemingly at peace but my mind is having its own struggle. I'm scaring myself.

And my butt and elbow super pain. =(

But my ankle's better, only that the lump is still there. WHY?

And its past midnight, almost bedtime, where did all the fun and noises go to? Where did my love for the peace at night go? I'm a psycho.

Oh and I want to say, a leopard never changes its spots. You are too indulged in it, thats why you are behaving this way. Quit it. I'm trying to leave my dorky imaginations, you should too.

I really wonder why some very very pretty girls have super cui boyfriends. =X I know I'm being terribly superficial here but I just dont understand. Like if you are damnnn hot right, then you kiss this super duper cui looking guy, how cannnn?

But I really admire such girls. They really love their guys for who they are. But these guys also very poor thing. Like wont they feel very pressurised and worried that their girlfriend will run away one day? They have to keep maintaining the flame in their relationship, keep her happy, make her feel pampered and loved, buy her new gadgets, spend money on her, take her nice places to eat, surprise her with goodies, keep giving her all his love, spending alot of time with her, keeping track of all her friends... Or do they not have to do such things? Is the girl totally with him? If other guys (assuming more goodlooking and also very nice) chase after her, will her heart sway?

Or does the girl really thinks the cui looking boyfriend looks totally hot? Maybe when people are in love, their other half always look perfect. I always question myself this. Cause 5 years already and I still think Samuel looks really good. Am I blinded by my love? Like he will still make my heart skip 10 beats when I see him. =)

I guess love should not be based on looks.

Okay enough of superficial rants that have nothing to do with me.

SHITZ MAN.

Happily moppingthe floor today, limping with a sore ankle but still merry, mopped and mopped. So gay could have sang the happy working song.

Then..

I slipped and butt hopped 3-4steps of the staircase. I think it was quite bad cause my Mum ran out of her room and my sister was shouting downstairs.

My left butt cheek is bruised and hurt. =(
My right elbow has its skin scrapped off. =(
My anke is even sorer now. It has this swollen pain inducing lump on it. =(

I'm so injured. BOOOOO.

You were sitting at the coffee table
where you're reading Kierkegaard
Minutes later, you proceeded to say something that almost broke my heart

You said, "Darling, I am tired of livin' my routined life.
There's so much in the world that i'd like to soak up with my eyes."
Well, baby i never did stop you from going out to explore
We can do it all together
from the colds of the poles to the tropics of Borneo

Let's pack our bags and lie on the easy stream
feel the water on our backs
where we can carry on dreamin'
where we can finally be where we'd like to be

Darlin', just you and me
Just you and me.

I need to buy black ribbon this instance. Not forgetting the knitted off white cardigan.

I was wondering what have I been doing all holidays. So I went to read my blog entries from April till today.

I'm speechless. Time really flies when I'm having fun. And I dare say this holiday wasnt much of a routine at all. I did so many new stuff. New hangouts, new friends. I'm amazed.

Still very speechless with the amount of stuff I did. Its like, omgoodness, is that 4 months worth? Felt like yesterday!

Ha.

Goodness me. The bowler fedoras look too cute to be true. Goodness. I'm going to have a fit. Its in velvet somemore. Goodness. The red and the green ones look soooo happy to me. Are they actually smiling at me? GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME. I'm so excited until my hands are trembling. I'm having withdrawal symptoms, like if I dont take my drug I will go crazy. Thats how I feel manzzz. TERRIBLE.

I love my fedoras, but I wouldnt mind MORE of different sorts! =)

I've not been a good girlfriend recently.

I'm really terrible.

I will be nicer to dear. I will I will I will.

Having wandered to the dark side... vallificated says:
let you slp on my shoulder?

=)))

We should never hesitate to thank someone or to praise someone for something he/she did. I think such msges I receive never fails to brighten up my day. So, I will try my best to remember to give them, to make someone happy today. =)

And I'm so amused by my own body. I went for Megazip and my arms didnt hurt after being on the elements for such a long time. But last night, I just played Raving Rabbids on the Wii for half hour, and my right arm hurts like shat. Its soooo nua today with muscle aches. Terrrrible. The Wii will help me tone my arms.

I hope shopping will be great at KL. I want to stock up like damn alot of clothes for the new sem. But I really wonder if Chenlong and Samuel will be like damn bored when Tiying and I shop like crazy. HA. Hope there wont be any awkwardness too. But I'm so ready to head out of Singapore alr, even though its just popping over to our neighbour country. Beats nothing. Oh and I've never been on a budget airline before. So I'm actually damn freaking scared. REALLY. Oh well, I need to bring a giant sleeping pill, ear plugs and alot of sweets to entertain myself.

Im so excited about life now. Okay one moment I am, and the next I'm not. I'm such a fickle minded person. I cant decide if I'm exactly really happy now. Ah, shall not bother. Live a day at a time, I might just die tomorrow.

Im soooo excited for our anniversary. SOOOO EXCITED YOU KNOWWWW. I cant wait for icecream making and icecream buffet. =)

Oh and I cant wait for the KL trip too! =))

I'm going to be spamed with happiness before school begins again.

Monster game!! Here's Bumble bee and Rachael and I amazed by his robot suit. It was really nice walking around, kinda aimlessly, with Rach around SMU. I'm glad to be able to pour out sorrows to her and also to share with her how touched I felt this FOC. =)

I really am la.

When this facil was telling me about how his freshies told him that they were uncomfortable with the feeding of SCAS benes and then losing their appetities, I was feeling a little disappointed. But then he said the very next moment, "its okay! They really need to learn! Its time for them to learn." I was shocked, and pleasantly surprised. =)

Yes, its true. Its the small little things people say or do that make me very happy. I'm satisfied with small words, small actions, small things.

I realised its not only the familiarity of the volunteers that makes me brave in front of the crowd, its the familiarity of the beneficiaries that makes me so courageous I can scream-sing national day songs even though I know I will go totally out of tune.

They do not judge, they do not expect.

=) I'm very very very touched.

Y Camp feeling in FOC. Something I've never experienced before. Its a good start to me liking SMU people. I hope this lasts, at least till Sat.

My mind is a total blank now after sleeping on hard floors yesterday and waking up to creep noises and freezing under my jacket. I hope my highness comes back tomorrow. But I think my briefing wasnt that bad just now. At least people were laughing and they seemed like they were having fun and were comfortable with me.

I think I should be satisfied with myself and stop pressurizing myself anymore. I am allowed to make mistakes and screw things up.

I'm dying to shop again. I'm mad. I think I'm suffering from a shoppin disorder. HA. Sabrina, save me! After I cleared my closet, having space in my closet just makes me feel weird. I must fill it up again. GAWDDAMNIT. I really need to shop for school soon, at least it gives me a reason to shop. Reason in my own personal sense.

Must be too many shirt and shorts get ups for me this year. Must be.

http://moneyforransom.tumblr.com/

Tiny little extra space for someone who has alot to say.
Me. Heh.

Why am I seeing this everywhere but my closet? =(

After Glow made me more excited for FOC and Sep YCC now.

But I'm still stuck on that mass activity. ARGH. I'm dry like a desert's well. TERRIBLE. Makes me ultra irritated with myself. Why cant I think of something good?

Its like buying clothes, sometimes u try something on, look into the mirror and BHAM. You know you just have to buy it. Progs is the same for me. I must visualise it, see people having fun, achieving all meaning, BHAM. We'll use that prog.

That BHAM is just not happening. ZZZZZZZZ. And I cant do anything about it.

I know you dont like listening to this but I really feel very terrrrible all weeks just because of this damn 1 hr prog. I believe I can come up with something. But I dont know what is that something yet.

I'm pissing myself off, as usual.

This is really damn awesome therapy. After taking soooo many photos, all of us felt damn tired but still very very happy. Its like everytime after every outing, its the photos that reminds me of the fun times I had. Thats why people are saying I have like 1 new fb album everyday. =/ But if I got no photos, I really cannot remember. I'm the sort who loves to relive every moment.

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved- for ourselves, or rather, in spite of ourselves."

When I read this quote from the box of love quotes, just one word popped in my head. How apt.

WHOO. Arm candy. DAMN, and did I say I was feeling very poor recently?

Waves of similiarities. One day I experience this with someone, and next week, it happens again. Its a sign. HAHAHA.

Next week, I will overcome my fear and speak to the freshmen about community service. WTH right. I must think tall, be confident, know my stuff, let them be engaged (even if its only for the moment), let them know its possible to enjoy com srv, its possible to make a difference in another's life. So many things to think about. I should summarise all my thoughts and emotions soon. When I'm confused, everyone will be confused with what I'm trying to say too. I've experienced that before and soon everyone lost interest and couldnt care less. Damn.

cheryl says:
u can sow the seed and in time, it will grow

I must think along those lines and not be discouraged. I must believe that even the most stubborn, most unfeeling will come to like doing com srv one day. Its not about just doing it, its about doing it and unknowingly, smile because you made someone smile. That moment is just euphoric.

I think I will be more in the mood after this Sat. =)

Sabrina is damnnnnn cute here. And Kiangpin is spoiling the ugly face market! I'm soooo amused by this photo. HAHAHAHAHHA.

I should stop being too harsh on myself and the people around me.
Let myself explore. Let them explore.
Let myself learn. Let them learn.
Let myself rebel. Let them rebel.
Let myself grow. Let them grow.
Let myself be myself. Let them be themselves.

I believe everyone has a nice side to them, only if we discover it or not. But sometimes we are only exposed to one side but assume it to be the full truth. Being too stuck in anger, we forget to step back and look at how myopic our view can actually be. Sure, no one has a complete heart of gold but since we will never get a perfect bird's eye view of whats going on, shouldnt the benefit of the doubt be awarded?

I guess its time for me to look back at myself on reflect on this irony. Val, think Karma.

How should I go about telling my Mum that I want to stay over at FOC? How do I tell her I'm going to start having meetings for Sep YCC? How do I tell her I will be doing Sep YCC? DARNS. I feel so trapped. Cant do what I have a passion for, with all my heart. Theres this part of me that feels terrible everytime I go for camps.

I'm glad things are starting to firm up.

Why cant you just leave me alone?

Seriously, I'm sick of your hints that doing community service is bad. So you rather I be like those business people who earn fucking loads of money, be so shrewed and be some empty shell that only can think of earning more and more. I wouldnt care less about anything or anyone else cause talking to you deprives me of money making opportunities. Is that what you want? I'm going to ask you straight one day.

Community service will not take you to hell.
Community service will not give you cancer.
God doesnt hate people who do community service.
Community service is not taking advantage of stupid people. (like me in your context)
Coomunity service is not drugs, it wont make you worse off.

Wait till I end up with a full time job doing community service. Just you wait.

Cant you be more appreciative and stop picking on me? I know hes busy working, but hes saving for his own sake, not for you. I know shes busy studying, and I've been through that. But seriously, when I'm studying, you are blind. STOP PICKING ON ME.

I like it when the night is cool and I'm out without any plans. Just sit somewhere, listen to some music, let the music evoke all thoughts.

Then slowly think about life and its screwed-ups, rack up some past memories, be contented with my present, and fantasize about the future. Just that very quiet blissful feeling that makes my heart feel so settled.

And when the night is in deep darkness and silence, your boyfriend lets you know that he wants to continue waiting for you, but fatigue just caught up. There and then, your heart melts.

I really thought you fell asleep without me, but you didnt. You actually waited for me to reach home safely, 3am in the morning. =) I really should be satisfied with my life.

When anything goes wrong, I'm sure I can count on my Sec School friends. =) Its like 5 and more years with them alr, what else can I hide. They've walked me through my growing up stages and see me change from a kid to a teen to a (still very young) adult. And they saw me change as I got into a relationship. But after all those changes, they are still right here with me.

I guess I should cherish what I have and stop thinking about the future. Relationships may be very fragile in our world now, but I guess that should not stop me from believing in the exceptions.

How can someone be so hot. Woah. I'm blown away.

When the craziness is gone, when you are no longer fun, everyone just leaves you. Harsh reality. When you are not new and refreshing, not novel, not interesting, even who you felt was your closest friend just drifts away.

My theory was right. Best friends dont exist.

Relationships are fragile. One moment everything can be perfect, the next moment a small matter may blow it. Or one moment you think everything is going smoothly, the next moment you realised its only what you think.

I've been facing alot of relationship issues recently. It kinda affects me greatly. Yes it helps me cherish the people around me more, but it makes me skeptical and doubtful at the same time. Like will you be with me 5 years down the road? 1 yr later? or like 1 mth later? Nothing is certain. I want to keep everyone I love with me, but sometimes it may be just one sided. Me wanting to keep, you not even feeling like you belong in our relationship.

All my life my relationships with people are always one sided. I think you are my best friend, then suddenly, you are gone with your other friends, not taking me with you. It happens all the time, Primary school, Secondary school, JC, Uni. Every period of my life has a heartbreak.

Stop believing in permanent relationships. Stop trying to finding new friends and thinking they are your best friends, cause seriously, you were just fun to them then.

Leave me alone now cause I'm damn fucking pissed.

Life's harsh. Live with it, Val.

Emo talks, bitching and just being honest. Its only friends that you can be absolutely honest with that count. Some friends may be there to be high with you, some will be there to complete tasks and do projects with, some will be there to talk to you, and some will be there to listen to you. But its not all that will do all of those with you.

Happy 59th mthsary! =) Woah, what a long journey eh. But looking at the big picture, this is just the start.

My various collections of what nots. Brings back memories of different ages.

When Aug comes, I will spree and buy like new clothes, new stationary, new whatever shit and make myself be super excited to go to school. Damn bimbo but what to do, I dont feel anything positive for school at all. Project meetings all day, all week. Tests, Quizzes, Exams. Stress and competition. Silent battle field.

But when the sem really arrives, I'm going to put in my best effort in doing well. I have 1 year of warming up and familiarizing with the culture already. No excuses for not doing well. I will push my GPA up. I will participate in class damn actively. I will be competitive and strive to be the prof's fav student. HAHAHA. EEW.

But to me, GPA and grades dont matter much. I think people can tell that I'm totally noncompetitive, stuck in my own beautiful world and ignoring everything around me. I'm like bubble wrappped all through the term. Its always the same when I get my results, terrible to others, brilliant to me. HA. I'm strange.

Now, I just hope my 3 day week comes true.

My sister's home cooked lunch for my family today. Inspired chef. She even went to print out the damn ticket for everybody. My bro couldnt attend so Samuel came. HAHA. Cause you see, on the ticket it states only those invited. My mum got a teeny bit pekcek though when her kitchen got a little messy. Ha quite funny actually. Samuel and I helped my sister abit before things got out of hand.

Lunch started at 2pm, instead of 1pm. HAH.