Valerie
Zhss, NYJC, SMU
sammificated
De Parti.

muchthanks.

Designer Basecodes
AdobePhotoshop

Archives:
February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010

Lets slow down
and start going backwards.

I'm becoming a whiny old hag. One who is antisocial and permanently ill.

My throat is killing me. Seriously, its hurting me terribly. I cant speak without pain, cant swallow without pain, I cant chew without pain, cant yawn without pain. YES, even when I yawn it hurts. (Sorry dear I have to say it.) ITS DAMN FUCKING PAIN.

I'm depressed. I cant tolerate it anymore. But I cant do anything but tolerate. I cant eat chilli, cant eat fried food, cant eat any shit. Everything that goes down my throat makes my throat sooooooo sore. Its like constipation when you feel that the shit is too big to exit. Now its like every piece of food is too huge for my throat. I'm so pisssssed now.

And its so depressing to find speaking a chore. I cant communicate my thoughts freely. I'm so alone. When you remain silent, people tend to forget you. But perhaps, being quiet is just being myself. I dont remember myself being so chatty when I was younger. I'm the sort that people forget. I dont leave impressions, I just float around.

Oh gawd. This is an emo shit post and I'm so sad now.

I like it peaceful and quiet. Time to have more quiet moments and less loud gatherings. More smiles, less laughter.

My throat hurts like a million knives sliding down a rubber tube. Everytime they want to slide down smoothly, the tip of the blade just gets stuck and it slits my throat open.

When you get older, birthdays become so pointless. When you hear the birthday song, you just feel, "oh crap, can everyone stop looking at me?"

Which is worse? Being alone in a place full of strangers, or being with tonnes of friends but still feel alone in your mind? The latter happens to me all the time. I think its just me, no issues with anyone, its just me. I hide in my own world, in my world where I find comfort and is most at ease.

Happy Birthday, Val. 1 yr older, 1 yr wiser.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NING!!! =)))) You better be touched by us. I came down from home just for you. Gs came down from ECP for you. Rachael had to keep her mouth shut just for you. SEE, WE ARE SUCH LOVABLE PEOPLE. HAHA.

I can never have glam photos at camp but its really okay. HAH. Credits to Rexona Ah Ma for the photos.

I'm feeling a little lost after Y Camp again. It seems like those 4 days felt so real but was it actually a dream, or was it really real? I feel lost again.

As you people know, 1 or 2 entries is not enough for an emotional wreck like me. HAHA, Pardon me if I sound like an absolute bimbo exclaiming "soooo cute" all the time, cause I've no idea how else can I describe how I feel.

Today when I just woke up from my sleep, I started thinking of my buddies. How cute and real they were. =)) Made me smile when I thought of them. I hope I didnt made Samuel bored with all the stories cause he had completely no idea who I was talking about. HAH.

Lets start w buddy A. He was sooooo cute. His vol told him abt the story of Y-topia and the king's crystal ball and he got so excited about it. So adorable la. He felt so involved in the story that suddenly the story felt so real to me too. He started spreading the story to his other friends too. hahahaha. Then Kunloong decided to come up with an ending to the story. And he accepted it. Until the next day, he came up to us and asked "the story is fake right?" HAHAHAHH! The fact that it took him one night to decide that the story was fake was just sooo cute. Seriously, I felt so disappointed myself to know that the story is fiction.

Now theres buddy B. Buddy B went missing a few times during camp. Shes so quiet and shy on her own, doesnt interact much, but will keep smiling at me. I managed to persuade her to bathe on the first day when I said I will call her teacher. Yes she always go missing, and when shes missing and everyone was looking for her frantically, she will be somewhere with her friends. She will just gently pat them on their heads and just give them some love. She will help them carry their bags and bottles too. HAHAH. omg right. SOOO cute.

Then theres buddy C. His voice will just melt my heart. That young squeaky voice. Omg man. Just hearing it makes me smile. He was sooo cute when I asked him to hug his buddy before he goes home. He became soo shy and bashful. In his own small voice he covered his face and said he didnt want to. But he was smiling and looking at his buddy occassionally. HAH He wanted to thank his buddy, but he was just too shy to do so. HAHHA. That image is totally stuck in my head now.

Now buddy D. Shes such a cheerful person. Being on wheelchair didnt stop her from being close to the elements. She went under the sun to cheer the others on. She started cheers on her own and all I did was just amplify her cheers. She will go "ninjasss!!" and I felt so touched I just had to make it 10x louder. She kept smiling at everything. When she was on the rockwall, she kept smiling and giggling too. It was very hard for her cause she couldnt grip or step on the rocks, but there she was trying hard, but still smiling to encourage us who were supporting her. Her smile will never be forgotten.

Then theres buddy E. The one who had to go home early. The ever positive attitude will stay with me forever. Despite whatever happens, his smile will just make me go high again. His thumbs up was so perfect. Despite not being able to walk properly, he still went up on the elements and did them so well. He was ever ready to try new things, ever ready for challenges. His look at the first aid post really breaks my heart. His look of pain, but when we asked if hes okay, he will still show the thumbs up sign. Sometimes, I just wish he would be honest and let us pamper him.

=))) Our buddies may be quiet, but all of them have a very special side in them. =))

Oh and my volunteers asked "how the committee stay so high all the time ah?" HAHA.

Seriously, I think we have the ultimate clash out of all the clashes in the whole wide world.

You speak and I just want to shoot you. You seem to know what I hate and you just have to do it.

Him: vosh!
me: hey! you are?
him: rcmj. guess
me: XXX (his name which I will keep anonymous)
him: no, really. But you can tell me what you dun like abt XXX. I would like to know.
me: why not I tell you more abt myself. I dun like guessing games, and I'm not a fish to your bait. so bye.
him: oiiii. I'm XXX la.

Then it goes again..
Him: so I cater for 70 lunches
me: assuming if we get only 30 vol, 30 bene, 6 facil, 2 ICs. or else it will be very tight
him: ICs dont need la, they are very independent, they can go buy macs by themselves.
me: *all ready to explode* thankfully I received a call asking I want pink rainbow, blue cloud or yellow sun. HAHAHA.

How childish can some guys get.

Special thanks to these people:

Rachael for always reminding me that I can do it. (esp on the first day)
Guosheng for giving me nonstop supply of vitasoy.
Wuihou for always asking if I'm okay.
Yiwei for his sleeping bag.
Char for sharing and taking food for me.
Qi and Julia and Char for the very entertaining shower on the 1st night. HAHAHH!!
First aiders who took care of me.
Ning for lozengers and preparing me for the camp.
Yinghui for entertaining me on the bus ride before db.

Kunloong for being there for me all the time, for giving me panadols, for forcing me to take my temp, for giving me vitasoy, for getting me alot of food, for reminding me to drink water, for helping me with almost everything at high elements, for being crazy with me, for doing totally random stuff to make me laugh, for leading me on on the Balancing Log, for shouting at the volunteers for me so that I can be the good guy and he will be the bad. Seriously, I'm very very thankful to have him as my buddy. =))

I'm so glad we didnt blurt out any vulgarity in front of the buddies.

(I will continue adding on to this list ya, lunch first!)

Y CAMP OUIIIII!

Y Camp June 09 has been a great journey that I didnt regret taking. It brought me close to many friends, made me learn from the people around me, and helped me grow into a better person. Now I dare say I've been through 4D3N of Y Camp and I'm truely exhausted. HAHA.

Y Camp is such a blood sucker. It sucked out all my energy, sucked out all my voice, sucked out all my soul and sucked up all my everything. But you know what, if I were to go through it again, I will most willingly let it suck me dry again. =) It is really more than worthwhile.

I went to Y Camp not being myself at all. Ive no idea but I was dreading it. I guess I was tired and all and I didnt feel the passion to give myself to the camp. A few days before the camp I was still telling Yining I wasnt excited. I was shrinking into my own world. I didnt want to mingle with strangers, I didnt want to feel alone, I felt all by myself. I guess cause everyone is busy completing tasks and I was just so sick of it. I even started telling Samuel I didnt want to go for camp.

That aside, I tried convincing myself to just deal with it and 4 days will be over soon. When volunteers started streaming in, in my head it was just "oh shat. big shat. what now?" Then I heard Kunloong rah-rahing the group alr, and I was like "holy shat." But still, awkward silences are murderous so we started playing games with the group. It is this time when the leaders have to be stronger, cause everyone doesnt respond with enthusiasim, everyone looks dead and tired, everyone gets bored easily. Its the part of breaking the ice, making strangers become friends that I hate most, but I have to overcome it the most in the fastest possible way.

Then the next day the buddies arrived, and I think the volunteers were panicky and uncertain about everything. We had rebellious buddies, emo buddies, non verbal buddies, shy and quiet buddies, playful buddies. To be perfectly honest, I was quite sianed by the mixture of buddies we had. Everyone was so quiet. I didnt know all of the buddies well from my group too (except 1). Other group's buddies were enthu and stuff but my group buddies were very emo. GOSH.

Thankfully theres KL there to make me feel hyped up. He will be such a camwhore and get photographers to take photos of us. Then do stupid things to make me laugh. Ya I guess if he wasnt there to make me feel more relaxed, I would have been very tensed throughout. I had to learn to let go of myself and just go with the flow.

Everything went well. I felt happy and all. Once in a while, I kinda lost my temper and shouted at my group. Seriously, Im not that fierce la. Its just that the volunteers can get abit distracted and neglect their buddies. There were a few times when our buddies went missing. Just needed the volunteers to snap our of their daydreams and focus on their buddies. Kunloong is also not that fierce ya. We are just concerned. HAHAH. TOM IM NOT FIERCE.

Campfire night. Was the night I made Yiwei fufill his goal. HAHAHHA. One of our buddies had to break camp. Its like he was in pain and discomfort but he still looked so positive. He had cerebral palsy, so his joints were very tight and he couldnt move like anyone of us. But still, the smile on his face was the most genuine one, the most beautiful one Ive ever seen. It seems to me like no pain can ever put him down, he was been through worse, and he is just thankful to be alive. He showed his signature thumbs up sign to me, and to his volunteers and smiled so widely. He used his sign language to ask us to call him, and contact him. When I told him I will go SCAS to look for him, he looked so excited again. And when his cab was leaving, he still struggled to turn around, to wave to us his last goodbyes.

There and then, I knew it was coming. Not wanting to affect anyone's moods, I walked slowly behind my volunteers and cried the crap out. HAHAHHA. And just when I thought I could just cry and recover on my own, KL came. Seriously, he just have to come at that time to ask me how I was. Waterfall. My heart was aching so badly for the buddy. Why didnt I make sure he was fine? Why didnt I notice he wasnt feeling well? And at that time, the video montage was showing, I wasnt there to see it, but images of the buddy just flashed in my head. And waterfall no 2 came.

And after campfire, I totally crashed. I've no idea why but my throat started becoming damn pain, and I was shivering in cold. I felt so exhausted and I could just die on the spot. I think if I checked my temp, and if it was like 39 degress, I wont be surprised. =/ Thanks to KL for taking charge of everything right after campfire. I was literally sitting aside and doing nothing. I forced myself to help KL with debrief and helped add in some emo substance. I'm glad the volunteers were sharing openly and acknowledging each other for their efforts.

The last day was of mixed feelings. I didnt want the buddies to go home, but I wanted to go home so badly. I didnt want Y Camp to end, but I felt so weak already. I wanted so badly to cheer, but my throat just couldnt take it. I wanted to rah rah my group for the last time, but I just couldnt do it. I felt so useless. My volunteers were making donuts and mementos for KL and I but I couldnt make anything for them. I wanted to sit with my group and laugh and hang around with them, but I couldnt. I felt like a pile of shit.

Then came the mass crying. I was shocked by the number of cry-ers this time round. Is it always like that for all Y camps? Boss you are damn amazing la. AHAH everyone was feeling so emotional. I cried when I saw others crying. I cried cause I knew we made a difference, I cried cause we really did it.

This camp is a really different experience for me. Every single Y camp is special in its own way. I will miss my turtles, I will miss the com and I will definetely miss all my emo buddies. =)

Thanks to all the volunteers for taking care of their buddies and making sure their buddies have all the fun in the world.

Thanks to all ninja turtles for making our grp be damn awesome and high and for the love you guys give KL and I.

Thanks to all the people who cared so much for me during and after the camp. I'm fine already! =) Time to give some Tender Loving Care to KL instead. Hes sick too.

Thanks Dear for being so concerned for me and for helping me dry my hair yesterday. HAHA.

Thanks to my parents for being my hands and legs when I had to strength to do anything.

Time to regain my energy and strength, I've got a birthday to celebrate!

I'm still feeling so much from Y Camp June 09.

From feeling nothing, to being high, then to ultimate exhaustion, and then to feeling high again, to being emotional, then being touched, then being thankful, then being high again, and collapsing.

Its a pity that I had to leave camp early. =(

I'm very thankful to have Kunloong as my buddy. Hes really an amazing leader and a very reliable friend.

Wait till I sort my thoughts, and I'll be back to blog again.

Y CAMP JUNE 09: MORE THAN A SUCCESS!

OMG MANZXZXZX.

Its Y Camp tml!

Y Camp jitttters.

All the What Ifs are flooding me.

How unprepared I feel.

DANG.

Sometime in the future,
I will wear high white socks,
white canvas shoes,
yellow tshirt,
cute black shorts,
sling on my guitar,

and head to the beach to sing.

*after watching lu guang zhong's mtv*
HAHAHA. yes qiqi, your fav.

Singing Pokerface on karaokeparty is insane.
Screaming Pokerface on karaokeparty is therapeutic.

HAHAHHAHA.

Cant read mine, cant read mine, no you cant read my pokerface
shes got to love nobody.

HAHAHHA.

I should stop asking.

My theory is right. I should've never allow myself to lean back fully on you, I should have known you will just let me fall. You never liked me depending on you. You never allowed me to do so.

You just want me to be independent, strong, alone.

Who will care for me? My heart is emptied again.

Non ambitious me is back again. I just want to laze around all day. Feel good lazing. Waiting for night to come. I toasted pizzas, and made logan agar agar, rent a DVD and just lay on the sofa all afternoon.

I used to aspire to be a rich career woman. I will have a private office, facing the city. Big leather armchair, strong teak wood desk, trays of documents, carpetted floor. Big black coat, killer heels, blood red lipstick.

Now I think I'm really different. I want a cottage, far away from the city. Flowers blossom all around, white wooden fences, a tree house. A floral apron, hair tied up loosely, pastel dress, sweet white wedges.

Yes, I'm gay, beneath my garang look.

Take me on a holiday. I want to hide in a peaceful place where I dont need my phone or laptop with me and I will still feel at ease. Close my eyes and know that I'm real where ever I am. Away from people, away from noise, away from deadlines. Just being there makes me calm and without any worries or doubts or any thoughts at all. Why isit that only being far, I can be nearer to myself?

I really want to get away.

The closer I get to you, the more dependent I get, the more I rely on you, the more useless I become, the more I tend to feel hurt, the more I feel like a wimp.

Love makes one weak.

The more I dont look forward to 5 days without you.

"Service is...

Giving what you dont have to give.

Giving when you dont need to give.

Giving because you just want to give."

Damien Hess

Happpppy 20th Birthday DEAR!!! 4th bday celebrating with me alr. From a teen to an old man. =) This time round we went to Wild Wild Wet, every birthday is an outdoor activity day for Samuel. After Samuel's birthday, I will start to realise, gosh, my birthday is approaching!

I wonder what will you buy for me. HAHAHH. STOP asking me what I want.

And I just got another tone darker.

First it was family chalet, then flag day, then class chalet, and then today! Told Samuel, next week when he sees me, I will be totally black. HAHA. WHOOPEE to new skin tone!

Whoohooo, international buffet. I loveeeee the duck the most. =) I bet everyone else loved the Salmon but me. HAHA.

My Mum was quite fed up today when I told her I was going camp tml. Total turn off manzzzzz.

Mum: "I thought you just went to camp!"
Val: "no?"
Mum: "the one with the bugs!'
Val: "thats DEC!"
Mum: *speechless and diaos Val*

Luckily the April one was short enough to make her forget about it. Or else I'm so screwed. I will drown in the naggings. Why cant she let me follow what I want to do? Why cant she see meaning in what I'm doing? Sometimes, its just so difficult and conflicted. You dont like naggings, but you want do follow what your heart wants to do. But you cant, cause you are pulled back. But you want to move forward.

SIGH. BIG SIGH.

Can someone ever be soooooo used to nagging that it doesnt affect them at all?

I know I know I know. 4th post. AHHAHA.

But you knowwwwwwww. I feel super touched and I really dont know what when people are msging me about the Channel 8 show. Whether for practical reasons or not, I'm still feeling alot about it.

Ning msged me to tell me she finally realised that Omar was on tv.
Kun Loong msged me to watch to see got any suitable progs we can tap on.
Guosheng msged me to tell me Omar rocks. (You should be studying!)
Yiwei asked me to continue watching to gain ideas. =X

Yeah lets go Club Rainbow to volunteer! Next June, Camp Rainbow!

I know I know, 3rd post in a day. But Sunday is reflection day.

Today, I sorted out my thoughts. I will be excited for Sep YCC. I will be really excited to explore new stuff with Yining. We will explore together. I will learn from her, and of course, she will learn other stuff from me too. It will be a two way thing. =) Its only if its 2 way then both of us will benefit from this experience!

Ning, dont worry. Remember, our camp is just about loving and giving. Just be yourself. I will just be myself. We will have so much fun, that we dont even have to try being ourselves. It will come naturally. We will laugh straight from our hearts, and ignore whatever we have in our minds.

I will give you my all. Rmb, I'm still the same nerd in April, I will hold the sky up for you. Victor and Eileen will hold heaven up. HHAHA. =)

I realised, YMCA brought me to many friends who I wont naturally befriend on my own, or will never come and try to know me better.

Lets just talk about Tom. He knows this, he lies perfectly in the category of guys I dont like. Say A is big sized guys, B is ah beng, C is egoist. He is like in the space where these 3 categories intersect. But to my surprise, we can actually get along, to a certain extent. HA. I really wonder why sometimes. He amuses me with some things he say. Its not like jokes that make me tickled, but its like things he say is very new and different from my circle of friends. Its just amusing.

And now Kun Loong. Wild child 101. I will tend to run from such people cause I'm conservative 101. And I tend to get very pissed off when people are not task oriented when I am. And it can be quite pressing to think like him when I dont at all. But somehow or another, now I tend to feel more at ease with him. We actually have common topics to yak about. Hes another one that makes me very amused. Someone to be in repartee with. Beauty and Beast, Monk and Fairy. I really wonder whats next. I think I can rely on him and know that I can fall back on him anytime.

There are more. But lets leave this space to my 2 buddies for today. =)

I am amazed by the people around me. I like it when people surprise me. I'm very easily surprised actually. Despite how much I predicted it, I wont admit it till it is done. Seriously, everything can be surprising to me. (But I still dont like big birthday surprises, really!)

Like how Tom agreed to buy this Mr Happy for me at 7-11.
Like how Samuel msged me to go home carefully.
Like how Ning appeared looking pretty yesterday.
Like how Eileen suddenly asked me to talk that day. =X
Like how Guosheng msged me last night.
Like how Julia went to the party yesterday.
Like how Hongkit talked to me just to share his gf's blogshop. Ha!
Like how Kunloong told me how we should contact our grp.
Like how Shiqi offered to feed me wobblies when I was hungry. HAHAHAHH!

Yesterday, I was a bitch. Today I'm an angel. =)

Maybe cause Power 98 played this stupid song which made me happy:

When you walked through the door
It was clear to me
You’re the one they adore, who they came to see
You’re a … rock star (baby)
Everybody wants you
Player, Who could really blame you
We're the ones who made you

Why am I such a bitch?

I just cant be nice for too long. The world is just not beautiful enough. I am not contented enough. I will never be at peace with myself, with you, with you and with all of you. ZZ. I must be objective and loving and nice, but honestly, since when was Valerie made this way?

Using the kite flying theory, I think the kite is going too far and needs some rewinding back.

Have you ever realised the power of your subconscious mind?

As I was walking home just now, I was thinking about the numerous things I have to do. Mentally going through my schedule for the next 3 weeks. And then, suddenly, I realised I am in the lift reaching home alr. See, my subconscious mind is so amazing, it took me home.

During camp, its my subconscious mind which is observing and taking note of everything. I knew more than I thought I knew cause I only used my conscious mind. If I responded to my subconscious mind, the camp would have been even more awesome.

I know my subconcious mind can do alot more, but I'm just too tired to think of other egs. All I know is that my subconscious mind is just amazing. I need to listen to it more often.

After yesterday, I realised that I'm not only a superstar at APSN, but also a superstar at SCAS. HAHAHAH.

Jokes aside, I felt really sad after the visit to SCAS yesterday. No idea only why after yesterday then did I feel so much for them. It dawned onto me that I should not keep thinking of fun and neglect progs with SCAS. Honestly, progs with other VWOs can be alot more fun, outings, art and crafts, ya it sounds so much more exciting than reading. But to the buddies there, Y Reading is like the thing to look forward to every month.

Buddies came up to me to tell me how they enjoyed the games we played last Sat, how they like colouring and reading. And they were asking why the other volunteers were not there with me yesterday. The orange shirt girl, the botak guy, the long hair girl... I realised how much we meant to them, and whether it was a mutual thing. Do they mean alot to us?

And buddies telling the staff and us that their friends want to join Y Reading too. Its just so heartwarming to know how much they really like Y Reading, they are like promoting it to their friends. Its the In thing. And I'm ashamed to say that I'm not putting in enough effort to making Y Reading better. Its like here they are telling me how amazing it is, but I know that actually it can be better. They are so contented.

If they can be contented, why cant we? We are never contented with what we have.

And when one buddy cant walk properly, he still helped push his friend's wheelchar, and when another couldnt grip her spoon tightly, she still fed her friend, I tell you, those images are stuck in my head. I really feel so ashamed of myself. Being abled, how much did I ever try to help the people around me. How many times did I come up with some excuse not to help?

It pains me to see how buddies look weaker and thinner as time progresses. Its obvious after interacting with them for 2 years. But never changing is that vibrant smile on their faces. That smile, so beautiful yet so heartwrenching, so sweet yet so bitter. If I were them, will I ever smile? Will I even feel hopeful enough to smile? Its like to them, it is joy to be living and breathing and just doing simple tasks. We dont even appreciate our lives. We should be ashamed.

I should stop being so emotional. I cried when I told Samuel all these ytd.

Life is so fragile. Samuel's Ham passed away peacefully. Now that boyboy is gone, girlgirl must be really sad. =( Reminds me painfully about my grandparents. How my ah gong was so lost when my ah ma left. I dont want to be last to die.

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong

Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

I thought it would be nice to watch a favourite cartoon of mine tonight and I'm really glad I did. Graphics and animation may lose those modern day cartoons but Beauty and the Beast is one show I will never forget. If I were a princess, I will want to be Belle. Shes like the prettiest princess, and since young I've always dreamt of her nice sparkling yellow gown. Yes you never know, theres a small part of me who believes in princesses and fairy tales then.

Beauty and the Beast is the most romantic cartoon ever. The way Beast protects Belle and the way Belle fell in love with him despite his looks just makes this whole cartoon even more enchanted and magical. Everything's so pretty. =)

I should really find the VCD and buy it one day. YAA, I really love Beauty and the Beast. I love the candlestick and the clock and the teapot and the teacup. All the songs are like still in my head ever since I watched it in primary school or kindergarten. I felt so happy and light when I was watching the show just now.

Ahhh, so at bliss. =)))))))))))))))))))))))))