ransom letter

2010-12-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

I hate to part with you but I have to.

I've moved on to ransomletter.wordpress.com. Not because I wanna be hip and cool, not because I dont like blogspot, but because blogspot is chasing me out. I have to upload photos when I blog, but not allowing me to do so, its like paralysing me.

So ya, wont be deleting this space of mine though. Its a space in the virtual world which I (kinda) own.

Its quite sad actually. 5 years leh. See my archives and all my foolish nonsense then. ARGH. Blogspot how could you do this to your loyal writer.

2010-12-13T23:36:00.000-08:00

WTF??!? I tried uploading photos here and this is what I get:

There were errors during upload.
The following images were not uploaded.
IMG_1093.JPG : You have exceeded your total photo upload quota.How can I get more storage for my images?Images and photos that are uploaded through Blogger get stored in your Picasa Web Albums, which are part of your Google Account. The number of images you can upload is therefore dependent on the amount of space you are using on Picasa Web Albums. To find out how much space you have available, please see these instructions. Note: If you have recently upgraded your quota limit, you may have to login to your PWA account, in order for the new storage quota to be reflected on Blogger.
We're sorry, but you have exceeded your photo upload quota. For more information, check out this Blogger help page.

GEEZ, WHAT NOW?

2010-12-13T22:09:00.000-08:00

:) Escapade to Sydney.

2010-12-13T19:56:00.000-08:00

Something more important than anything in the world.

Samuel is going to FUCKING Thailand for 20 days in March. D:
I've sunk into depression again. Falling in and out of depression is unhealthy. OCS should stop doing such stunts. Sigh. It will be during my stressful exams period again. I really hate OCS.

Fucking hate.

2010-12-13T10:10:00.000-08:00

HELLO SINGAPORE I AM BACK!

So lets see, Sydney. Honestly I think theres nothing special about Sydney, its just like Singapore. I can roam around the streets by myself and not feel anything. Its like when we reached Sydney, it didnt feel like we were overseas, felt just like Singapore. I guess thats what lacking in this trip- that WOW factor.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed taking a break from Singapore and just being overseas. Playing everyday, have everything planned, and the only thing I need to worry about is what to wear. I seriously cannot understand the weather there. It can be MEGA HOT, but when the wind blows, it can be like really coooling and at night, it can become quite cold.

Okay not blogging for real today, feeling a little under the weather. Having your period and taking a plane is hardcore. Its like having cramps and taking a roller coaster, with yucky food. And you cannot drink the apple/orange juice. Best of all, my tv didnt work.

Ohoh and I got this major ulcer on my lip cause I was too excited to eat my cheekan rice on the 1st day, which ended up not very nice. So ya, the tiny bite grew into an ulcer. Spoilt my mood quite abit, cannot smile, cannot eat properly. Ya its horrible.

Jean, we need to meet before I go to Genting. Msg me!! We are drifting apart already. HAHAHAHHAH! Come and let me touch ur knee!

Sab, I wanted either Jane or Ann to win too! HAHAH! And I saw the dome durian chocolate thing. Bring me go eat soon leh!

Dear, See you tomorrow. ;) Thanks for being so sweeeet to me, taking to me every night before I sleep, especially the 1st night in the haunted hotel. HAH! Love youuuuuuu.

2010-12-08T03:56:00.000-08:00

Hello cyber space, I feel great reluctance to leave you. Somehow I feel like when I leave the internet and its wireless connection with the world, I feel lonelier. See what social media has created- this 'real' sense of reliance to be in constant connection with the world.

Now, even with my phone, I am not being connected enough. Argh. Whats worse, my internet has been down the whole day so I need to borrow half an hour from my sister's mobile broadband to use the net.

But yes, I will enjoy my holidays. 5 days at Sydney, 5 days of new adventure and experiences. Time to open my eyes to the world out there and time to take more photos again! :) Which reminds me, Samuel owes me a photo. Ha.

Ning and GS, please have fun at YCC. Remember the line.
Tom, please have fun too. Smile more. HHAHAH!

Jean. Please study and not keep emoing. Just abit more!!!

Dear. LOVE YOU! :)

I've no idea who else reads my blog but yaa, Gosh I will be missing out alot! And everytime I miss going to a YCC, I can only go 6 months later. 6 mths is a long time so its almost like never. Sigh, I imagine the cheering, the encouragement, the sweat, the laughter, the uncontrollable smiles. AH. I want to be there tooooo!! I want to look at everyone and get that feeling everytime I volunteer. That sense of achievement that I made someone else happy. The feeling of knowing my presense on earth counts. My mum will never understand that. But its okay, it takes time to convince her that money isnt everything, personal development and management skills are very important for us to grow too.

If power is what she is looking for: Sometimes, the ability to give back to society gives you a greater sense of power than money/status does.

If its satisfaction: Yes material goods bring about happiness, but loving someone else makes me satisfied too.

I will convince her one day.

As of now, BYEBYE virtual world. I will be back in 5 days. Which is damn fast.

2010-12-06T04:32:00.000-08:00

I realised I dont have alot of time left in this short month's holiday! GEEZ.

Sydney in 2 days time, and boom 5 days will be gone.

And when I'm back in Singapore, Toy Story 3C evaluation probably take 2 days. Then my plans with Sabrina (still cannot say what, just in case) will take up another 2 days. And Boom, I will be on my way to Genting with Samuel already.

When I'm back, breathe for like 5 days and I will be heading to KuKup. Rest for a day, and I will be off for chalet. And then its christmas and the new year.

AND...

SCHOOL BEGINS. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG. AHHHH.

I really need to learn to live in the moment and not keep counting down all my life. Theres something about me and counting down. I keep counting the days, I dont know counting to what, I dont know whats the final point, probably death or something really big. Whats big enough to be considered a goal in my life?

2010-12-04T06:40:00.000-08:00

LOVE. HAHAH! Sabrina, dont salivate.

I watched Rapunzel today (WITH SAMUEL, HAHHA! He says its a nice show too!) and oh mannn, it was the bestest cartoon movie EVER. Rapunzel is sooooo pretty. And the 'prince' is damn special cause hes a thief and hes not the usual prince charming type. He is now a prince cause he married the princess, and his nice white horse is also not exactly his. Rapunzel has such beautiful long golden hair. Damn chio, and shes super pretty. Ahh, I can gush about this all day. HAHAH. Not a crime to love disney movies.

Dinner with my family at Astons and I just had to order oysters. Wah, 3 per person really isnt satisfying enough. Its like an appetizer for me to crave for more. Zzzz.

2010-12-03T07:28:00.000-08:00

Memories.

This blog post will be all my super random thoughts so Eileen, please do not analyse everything k. :p

Indeed, stepping out of my comfort zone brought me to an absolute new level. I've learnt and actually love myself even more after this camp. I think I deserve the biggest pat on my back for managing my emotions and temper. I didnt even say a vulgarity. The only time I was close was when we were out during heavy rain and we realised we didnt close the sleeping area windows. And I told Eileen "I have some bad news, so bad I might say a vulgarity." HAHH! But yes, I really think my tolerance level has reached a new high and I'm damn awesome.

Qn: Did the camp reach my expectations?

Ans a: In the big picture, YES OF COURSE. The kids learnt their 3Cs, learnt to coexist, became friends with the facils, bonded as a team. The facils had fun, learnt how to manage such unique characters of the many kids, they were like mentors. Logs had a hell lot of 'fun'. Yes, it exceeded my expectations. To be honest, despite saying I trust my committee, I had my doubts about them. Their skills/experience level is not really there yet. But one thing that made them super great was their willingness and their determination. Their attitude changed everything. As long as you think you can do it, you can.

Ans b: I learnt alot, I explored new capabilities, but sometimes I feel that all these is made possible at the expense of my happiness level. Its a personal choice to cut down the happiness for the smooth flowing of operations. I dont know if it is real or if it is just my perception of how I handled things this time round. Utilitarianism, greatest happiness for the greatest number so I pressed on despite the dulan-ish in me.

I am a person who likes to be liked. And that was why I didnt feel too happy at camp. No matter how much I would like to say it didnt affect me, I'm sure it did la. I just didnt let it affect me so much that I cannot continue my role.

And I really envy the facils! I wanna be so close to the kids tooooooo!! At first when the kids came, all in my mind was "holy shit, they are here, what must I do, whats next, what will make them happy..." so much that I forgot to look closely at them. It was only on the 2nd day, I started having more time to just wander. I realised how innocent and how adorable they actually are. Some can be super naughty but I still observed the naive side of them. No matter how naughty they were, they had this other soft side. Super cute. Especially since they are P4-P6ish, they behave in a very unique way. And they dont smile showing their teeth. Ha.

Just now after the kids left, I felt this sudden void. My ears felt faulty, like "where did all the noise go?" I miss the laughter, the shouting, the cheering, the complaining, the quarrelling and all the other noises the kids make. HAHA. I tell you, the list will go on, everything can trigger them to make alot of noise. I miss playing with the kids, then being firm to them as well.

And I must say, I laughed so much at campfire. I was the emcee but sometimes I just cannot control myself and still laugh sooo badly I couldnt speak. HAHA. The kids were cute until...... I dont know how to describe. Their performance was super duper funny. HAHHAHA. The way they behave through their instincts were super funny.

The way they call me "Barbie" is super funny also. HAHAHA. And I heard from Justin that everyone cheered super loudly when 1 group found Buzz. I was touched until my goosebumps all appear. Even though they say things like "the story is not true laa. Toy story is not true.." but at the end of the day, they can immerse soooo much into the story that they behave instinctually.

I am glad I had this opportunity. :) OKAY KNOCK OUT. BUAY TAHAN ALR.

2010-11-30T07:25:00.001-08:00

Oh before I leave the internet for the next 3 days.

Dear was very sweet today. :) LOVE.

2010-11-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

I finally know how to play monopoly deal. :DD And it was fun!! Gosh, I'm actually itching to play again. And I'm good at it lor, I won 2 out of our 3 matches. Heh.

Sabrina, Carissa, KP and I met up for dinner yesterday to celebrate Car's very early birthday. And the present that Sab and I bought was damnn nice. I really loveeee it too. Leather + rusty gold key = LOVE.

My whole mind is on camp tml, so I cant blog properly.

2010-11-29T08:32:00.000-08:00

You are the only exception.

Its 12.33am now, meaning Toy Story 3C is happening tomorrow! OMFG. Why do I keep thinking there are damn alot to do still? Nothing much already maa. Stop worrying about things I cannot control, stop trying to control everything, camp is supposed to be random, spontaneous, unpredictable. Murphy's Law, I'm sure something will happen, just waiting for it to happen, avoiding it as much as I can.

Now prep talk myself. Val, you are the best.

Think about April YCC. Think about how happy, or rather how sad everyone was when it was the end of the camp. No one wanted to leave cause camp was the awesomest place to be at. Think about the influence on the volunteers. Think about the no of repeat volunteers who kept coming back for more. Think about how the facils now can be inspired to do more, to learn and to help more.

Stay strong to what you believe in- volunteering should not be a one off thing. Its addictive. Ripple effect.

Think about the laughter of the kids, think about the values they will learn, think about how they will forge real friendship with their facils, think about how they will remember this group of people who have stepped into their lives.

Think about broadening perspectives.

:) I can do it. I'm going to nail it. Bring it on!

2010-11-28T07:16:00.001-08:00

I dont know if its a self fulfilling prophecy. But I dont think so, cause I didnt want it. I mourned about how things will change and that was why I didnt want the departure.

Changed.

Its like when the moment is about to end, you cherish it. When you know its here to stay, you just go blah, whatever, I can always make up another day. We can always meet the next day, the next week.

What happened to catch up on lost time? What happened to being sad that I'm leaving for my holiday soon? Nothing, it just disappeared.

I hate the disappointment, the complacency you brought back with you.

2010-11-28T05:24:00.000-08:00

Just some awesome quotes from this speech Yan An sent to me.

When you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm.

In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

You will find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

I feel so inspired by this short speech and I'm determined to find joy in life. I'm going to stop going through the motion, I'm going to start living true to myself.

2010-11-28T04:49:00.000-08:00

We look super cute here with the orange bib. HAHHA!

Its been a long time since we went out for dinner together. We stay home on Sundays for dinner every week but since our exams are all over, its time to head out! So I recommended that we go to the Hilltop Restaurant that Yan An brought Tiying and I a few months back. Love the food there and also the awesome view and just feeling different high up the hill. :)

2010-11-26T05:07:00.000-08:00

I will be staying at A, Yiling will be staying at the orange droplet. SUPER DUPER NEAR. I'm sure without a map, I can walk over by myself too. HAHH! :)))

2010-11-26T00:15:00.001-08:00

Yup, Samuel is back. Even though its always an issue of what you cant have, you want more, what you have, you take it for granted, I'm still very happy that hes finally back. :)

But now, hes uncontactable. Either sleeping, unpacking, eating, I dont know also.

I was thinking just now that after CB paper tml, I can finally have some time for myself. I can rest and do things I want, I can enjoy and celebrate, and then, I realised. SHIT, after CB tml, camp is in 4 days. OMG. PANIC ATTACK.

I have so much to do, so much to prepare for. Am I ready? Shit, I dont feel ready, what will make me feel ready? What must I do? I have 1 million things running through my head. Ning, the mental troubleshooting is killing my energy. Its been way too long since I led a big group, since I was inspirational, since I went to camp and had such a big role. Seriously, I'm going to just suffocate and die soon.

Tomorrow after CB, I'm going to take a break and go on a date with Samuel. I'm working full day on Sunday (and my ex boss hasnt fill me on the details, very annoying). Monday morn chiong camp everything, afternoon and night celebrate Car's birthday, later night camp prep. Tues 1 full day of prep. Wed, CAMP. GEEZ.

2010-11-25T10:13:00.001-08:00

45 more mins. COME ON I CAN DO IT. I have to. :x

After Sabrina left, my world crashed. The initial waiting time passed so quickly cause she was talking to me and we were browsing ASOS. Now, my brain is stoned and I'm damn sleepy. Gosh, this is not easy. Not easy at all.

Anyway, random ramblings again. I said fuck to an auntie at the bus stop today, accidentally of course. The rain was sibeh heavy, so heavy I think if the droplets hit your head continuously, you will feel the pain. The droplets were so big and dense. Okay yes, so my dad alighted me at the busstop and I saw Ghee Kiong. So I waited for his bus with him since I was super early for my paper.

Then suddenly, I felt a blast of rain dripped onto me like the roof of the bus stop was leaking or something. So I exclaimed "FUCK!" damn loudly. Guess what, the rain water came from this auntie flicking her wet umbrella. Wahhhhh. The woman looked at me, and she apologised. Then I felt bad. But I didnt targetted the vulgarity at her, it was just an exclamation, thinking why I so suay got rain on me even though I'm under shelter.

As you can tell, I'm trying to kill time. GOSH. 40 more mins. The airport is really quiet now. The once soft music seems to be louder now. I swear I will mug the whole day tomorrow. CB ftw. Last paper to ace, just have to mug for it.

My papers have been quite okay so far. I wouldnt say I will get straight As. Not because I didnt study, but cause of some unforeseen circumstances. God, please let me do well. I did put in effort despite Samuel's absence. I swear I did.

GOSH IM DYING OF FATIGUE.

2010-11-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

I amaze myself, quite often, I realised.

Packed my bag and left the house at 1115pm. Love the weather so much, need to snuggle up in front of the fireplace with someone.

Took a cab cause I didnt want to spoil the mood with a horribly long mrt ride. Excuses la. I got the taxi uncle to on the radio for me, and it was Gold 90 frm, the uncle sniggered and said "this music can?" HA, so funny. It was a joy riding the cab as if I was going overseas.

I've settled at T3's TCC. 24 hrs, yeah! Internet may be a bitch but its still a joy, sipping my hot Peach Blossoms Tea, using my laptop as if I'm some writer, when I'm actually just blogging and msning and facebooking. Frivalous joys.

Give it another 2 hours and Samuel will be back. Excitement seems to become nerves. Dear, will you still be as sweet to me as you were before you flew away?

2010-11-24T06:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.jonathanong.com/

This website makes me feel sugary and sweet and bubbles and rainbows and flowers and smiles and kisses. It brings me the same feeling that only Samuel (and maybe Christmas) is capable of bringing.

:)

2010-11-24T02:00:00.000-08:00

Advertising
Consumer Behavior
Advertising Ethics
Consumerism

Seriously man, stop being in conflict. Advertising or desires come first. Advertising gives what people want, if its too innovative, no one will want it anyway. Then why say advertising forms irrelevant desires, too many wants and needs.

Stop playing games with my tiny mind.

2010-11-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

HOLY MOLY.

I'm working on Sunday, and my boss is paying me $100 for a day's work. If I work 10 hours, its also $10 per hour. She wanted to give me double pay if I work on Fri, meaning its $200. WTFBBQ.

I'm really disliking CB already. WAHLAOO, why this kind of opportunity must come now?

2010-11-23T21:36:00.000-08:00

Done with BP. Wouldnt say I'm 100% confident cause there are questions I really dont know how to do, especially those sickening text book definition questions. And the 13m calculation question, I did all the way until the last part and I didnt know how to get the ans. Damn, I should have known.

But besides that, I guess the rest of the questions are quite okay. Good luck manz, I hope everyone else does badly. HAHAHHH!

On a side notes, I dont like people to assume that others are weaker than you when you dont know the full truth. Do not conclude when you didnt even search for evidence in the first place. Sometimes, these people make me, sadly, realise the gap that exists between us.

Oh and on another side note, I was in the same train as an ultra act cute China woman who was dressed in all hot pink. The cheap cotton pink. This is not a racist comment cause I do have nice friends from China. Omg she was like adult alr, but she still talk damn loud in the act cute voice. Her boyfriend/husband is a Singaporean. And they were flirting and bickering about some stuff. I could only hear her voice actually.

She shouted damn loud and damn whiney, "Wo bu guan la, shi tou jian dao bu!" *translation: I dont care la, scissors paper stone!* This happened twice in my short MRT trip. Red line not circle line somemore. I sniggered in my seat, had to use my hand to cover my mouth. Nowadays must be careful, later kena slash by parang. Okay then when the guy won, she jumped in her seat (she must be damn heavy, the row of seats shook with her).

She thinks shes hello kitty or sth la. Okay, studying time again.

2010-11-23T05:23:00.000-08:00

Think BP, breathe BP, feel BP, do BP.

Fuck you stomach. Why must you start your nonsense now? I'm down with stomachache for no reason. No I'm not stressed. Probably overly excited.

I must nail it for my BP tml. If I cant do tomorrow's paper, I think I will be damn sad. Dont ask me to study now, cause I studied all I can already. I believe in resting my brain the night before my paper. Its like a personal ritual since primary school. I must do well tomorrow and hopefully I wont take 3 hours. I need to rush home to study Ethics and Socio.

Gosh, cant wait for thurs to end. Counting down day by day is sooo annoying.

2010-11-23T02:51:00.000-08:00

My ex boss has a problem. She likes to appear and disappear.

During my confused days when I tried to get a JP Morgan internship from her, she appeared saying she will help, then disappeared without helping.

Now, she wants me to help her out at some thing at expo. She called/ msged. I replied, and she disappeared.

Something wrong with career women.

Woah, now she replied, she must be desperate. "Can you work on Friday too? Double rate if you can." WAHH WTF. Tempting much. Damn CB on Sat. ZZZZ.

Wah imagine my $12/hr pay. WTFFFF. CCB.

2010-11-22T20:06:00.000-08:00

And by tonight, there will only be 2 more left. BYEBYE FAKE KISSES. HELLO REAL KISSES. :D

The string of exams will begin tomorrow at 830am. Starting with BP, then on Thurs I will have Ethics and Socio, and finally on Sat, CB. Then I will be done with the sem! :DDDD

Exams should just start today. 1 more day of studying totally turns me off. As I'm studying, Samuel is packing up. And as I'm having exams tml, Samuel will be enjoying himself shopping/eating.

No. 1 thing to do after CB, spend quality time with Samuel. :DDDD
No. 2 thing to do, settle as many camp stuff as possible. (Eileen, arent you proud of me? HAH!)

As you can tell, I'm stalling time cause after I finish this post, the studying routine begins again. DREADS.

2010-11-22T08:50:00.000-08:00

2 days!!
And 3 papers will be over.
And, most importantly, Baby will be back. :)
OMFG EXCITED.

2010-11-22T03:52:00.000-08:00

When I was showering this afternoon, I discovered something very beautiful. Not on myself.

I have a habit of showering with my specs on, cause I'm afraid of the toilet monsters.

So when I opened my eyes after washing my hair, there were droplets of water on my spec lens. Then I looked towards the sunlight coming in from the window and those pretty lights (seen in the picture above) was what I saw. Thanks to the droplets of water and thanks to beautiful sunshine.

Not sure if it was cause I was half awake but it was soo beautiful. Almost surreal. I'm going to try it again tomorrow.

This blog post is absolutely useless. But then again, almost all my blog posts are useless ramblings of what was most important at that time.

2010-11-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

I should really stop day dreaming.

Let me jot down whats in my mind before I start mugging proper:

I keep thinking how is it like to finally see Samuel again this Fri morn.
Cheering and walking around barefooted at camp.
Holiday in Sydney and imagining that Ed and Yiling are really going to fly over. OMG THIS ONE IS THE TOP IN MY HEAD. I REALLY HOPE THE TIMING AND EVERYTHING CAN FIT NICELY.
Whats the weather really like in Genting? Hopefully its COLD.
I want to go Haji Lane shopping!
When should I go with Samuel on Saturday?
I'm so glad my exams are not in the admin building. Hate the massive number of people.
AND SAB! I cant wait to submit my form. HAHAH! :D When are you submitting yours? OMG please wait for me.
I need to go to Starbucks just for nua's sake soon. I want to grab a good book, have a cup of xmas coffee and just look bohemianish at the corner.
I want wait to listen to Xmas songs and just prance around without a care about exams.
I want to do some handicrafts once my exams end. :) I've stuff in my head alr.
Jean and Yiling and I must get together for Xmas like we do every year.

Okay the end. My time is up, I need to start mugging now. Dreads. Ultimate holiday mood.

2010-11-21T05:03:00.000-08:00

HAHAHH! I wanted to find a picture of Samuel and I found this random pic. I remembered him doing something on the laptop, ignoring me, so this is what I did to him. :)

Samuel called me back just now. So poor thing he called and I was in the pissy mood. I was sad and all then he was tired and all, so clashed. But we're okay already, I'm glad I let it all out, let him know how I really felt. And I was like "Its been a very looooong time" and he "Of course, its almost a month".

Before he left whenever I told him, "you will be gone for almost a month!" and he will go "nooo, its only 3 weeks." Ha.

2010-11-21T04:06:00.000-08:00

Taylor Swift is a bitch for singing "Speak Now".
Seriously, crashing into someone else's wedding?
What happened to the innocent image?

2010-11-21T04:02:00.000-08:00

I have really sweet friends from yesteryears in SMU.

valerie sammificated says:
i saw alan ytd and he was thinking of catching up w u too
ERIC says:
yup sure
hahaz
yeah I was talking to him he said wanna meet up with u

HAH. Why have these people graduated so much earlier than me? People like Eric, Alan, Yihan, Jonathan. Even though I dont meet them, I know they are around.

2010-11-21T03:47:00.001-08:00

Hate to know that you are not on the other side of the line.

Picked up the phone, dialled your number, feeling really excited.
But in the few secs, my excitement turned to dismay.
I knew you wouldnt be there.

2010-11-20T23:17:00.000-08:00

I should be a poet or an artist.
Because I reflect alot, I observe alot, I think alot.
But sometimes I think I reflect, observe and think about nothing.
I dont know if I'm filled or I'm empty.

Sundays are days when Samuel will call me to wake me up from my naps.
I will have difficulty falling asleep cause I will be too excited to hear him later.
Then I will end up napping for a tiny short while only.

Now, when I sleep, I dont even want to wake up. I will be whiney and just roll around in bed, turning off my alarm and waking up when its dinner time.

2010-11-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

4 more days and Samuel will be back! :)

And 5 more days till the end of exams. D:

Why doesnt it feel like my exams are coming? I think only when I step into the exam hall then I will start panicking. I've not even checked what time are my papers and where are the venues. Zero sense of urgency as usual. Horrible.

But there is still hope! Since I cannot absorb much, I decided to change strategy. I'm going to read my notes 1 million times, I'm sure even if I cannot absorb, I will still remember some stuff. Good luck man, not much time left.

I cant wait for Thurs night. I will head down to the airport with all my CB notes and mug there until Samuel comes back at 3am on Friday. I'm DAMN excited.

And I'm also DAMN excited about applying for something with Sabrina. Shalt say now, later wont come true. HAHAHHAHH! *crossing my fingers, cross cross cross* HAHHA! Thats what the bitch from my grp said during presentation in the act cute tone. It has been engraved in my head. Maybe I should ask the bitch to read out all my notes to me, then I will totally rmb them.

2010-11-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MJ! :D 2nd party I chionged to today. MJ is one of the longest friend in YMCA that I have and she never fails to make me feel more energetic during Y stuff so I had to chiong down. Her house is damn freaking big cannn and her garden was like the night safari, the plants damn exotic one. HA. Damn chio. So MJ is my new best friend. HAHAHH

Its nice to see all the familiar faces again but somehow, the old Y feeling is gone. Couples are formed and the family feeling disappeared. You no longer can disturb one half of the couple cause the other half of the couple will be around watching. Maybe I'm paranoid la, but thats my perception so to me, its real. But I'm still glad my friends found love. Somehow, I'm not feeling sad about the lost attachment to YMCA, I'm actually okay with it.

As what I learnt, too many friends make you depressed and I agree. I managed to fish out a few closer friends and I'm satisfied. :)

2010-11-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

One hell of a ride for Belinda's birthday. HA. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELINDA! Finally, its the day of her party. Yunting and I are damn awesome friends who woke up sooo early just to head over to help her with preparations. It was very funny when I was nuaing in bed and keep postponing the meeting time with Yunting, and she replied 'vosh, slowly, I not yet even wake up to brush teeth." HA. Made me nua even more.

And the rain was incredibly HUGE when we reached. Crazy one. I swear I was shivering cause the wind was soooo strong and the rain was crazy.

Hope Belinda enjoyed herself. I'm sure she did, busking around in the love of her boyfriend. HAHA.

2010-11-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

http://www.eatdrinkchic.com/post.cfm/surprise-we-got-married-part-ii-the-story-the-styling

This has got to be the prettiest thing I've ever since for quite awhile. :) If I ever have a party, I might just do it. :)))))))

2010-11-19T06:38:00.000-08:00

Chocolate sandwich cookies. :) Since my loyal fan (guinea pig), Samuel is not able to eat my cookies this time, I'm going to deliver them all to the birthday parties tomorrow. Parties full of guniea pigs! HAHAH!

I like the cream inside which is highly unhealthy but I dont really like the cookies. Too crunchy for my liking. My sister liked it though. So its subjective.

And I realised, if I use props in my photos, the cookies will look nicer. Eg, if I put a glass of milk beside a white plate of cookies. Or if I put a stalk of gebera in a vase beside the plate. Automatically, the cookies will look 10 x tastier. So all those tumblr that show yummy cookies/ tarts/ breakfast/ those sort of English slow happy food may look super nice, but possibly they dont taste just as good. Uh huh.

2010-11-19T03:44:00.000-08:00

My parents LOVE the topic of applying HDB flat.

They actually want Samuel and I to get a flat next year. Then wait for 4 years for the flat, then get married. And by then, Samuel wouldnt even be working yet. HOW CAN.

I know they are worried that being in a relationship with Samuel for 6 years is very risky. They believe that the longer we are in a r/s, the more likely we will break up if we dont move to the next phrase. This is true also, and I know the risks.

But I dont think I'm matured enough to handle such a big change in my life. Yes true that apply now, doesnt mean we are going to get married and live together, but it means that we are potentially going to get married soon. And it means that we are more inclined to be responsible and loyal in the r/s. Now we are devoted, because we love each other and not because we have a liability.

Take for eg, we applied for a flat alr. Then one fine day we get into a heated argument on some fundamentals of our r/s and its not those petty quarrel kind. I will go crazy cause I will be thinking "shit we MUST stay together, we alr got a flat, cancel e flat now? what will people think? what will I think of myself?" Its not healthy.

There are too many What Ifs now. I'm going out to work in a year. I dont know what my working hours will be like. Dont know what will my pay be. Dont know what will I be. Samuel is going to start his Uni life next year. Sad to say, it will be girls galore for him. Orientation camps, hall life, etc. Things may change.

I want to settle down only if I've settled down at work, and at least he has been settled down in school (year 3/4?). Thats when we can really settle stuff.

I told my Dad its not that we dont have a plan, its just that our plan starts later.

2010-11-19T00:16:00.000-08:00

PRESENTATION OVER! Sigh, mugging officially begins. D:

After presentation today, I realised half the group was feeling what I was feeling all the time during meetings. 8 in the group, I had lunch with 4 today. Ultimate bitching session manz. HAHA! I'm so glad I'm not like the only evil one. They said Im damn scary cause I hide my angst really well. :)

I really really total clash with this bitch in the group so I was generally very inactive during group meetings. I still do work privately so its not that I'm a free rider. Trust me, I dont get pissed easily. Not alot of people are bitches to me.

This morning we had a final rehearsal and I hate it when they keep talking amongst their own clique so I was like closing my eyes most of the time. I didnt want my eye-rolling to be too visible. I rolled my eyes at HER yesterday and I was risking it. So today, I decided to be nice and just sleep. HAHA. My friend still tried to wake up me but I just claim I was really tired.

And I hate it when they keep editing the slides, harping on how to present instead of what to present, hate the act cuteness (and we kept imitating HER during lunch), hate the queen bee and her followers' attitudes. So bad that they just automatically decided who to present. The rest of us didnt had a say. We should have said something la, they couldnt even present well. If I did the whole presentation by myself, I bet its even better lor.

My head swelled today. HAHAH! I was one of the presenters but my air time was like 15 secs compared to their 15 minutes la. But during my 15 secs, the audience were having the most fun. They were at least reacting by laughing, during their 15 mins, I wonder if they were even alive. Total ownage. My friend even said I did a really good job for my teeny part lor. So its not self perception. Seriously, this kind of lame cock presentation, I'm good at it. The queen bee too act cute and childish, its not for the mass market. The queen bee's followers are too normal but they had to act like they are fun people, so its damn fake. And I remembered..

SHE said "Val, when you present can you be more lively?" That was why I rolled by eyes and this was just at the tip of my tongue ready to slam her "Fuck you bitch, just you wait."

We should have voiced out our opinions, but this queen bee is really too power grabing. She needs to be in control and she doesnt listen to others. Her followers back her up too much we cannot do anything too. And during meetings, the 4 of us havent collude so we had no power as individuals.

My group didnt get top 3 for presentation, but the 4 of us were glad its all over. SHE cried. HAHAHAHH! OMG I was so happy you know. I love her misery. I heard she cried during her individual ppt too. I ponned that class so I didnt watch the show. Darns.

I portray a utra gooody two shoes image in school. Not because I dont have evil thoughts, but just because I used to be alot more impulsive and angsty so I dont want that old me back. And, I dont want to create trouble or enemies in this small SMU community.

I feel liberated from this broken group and I'm really happy. :) I'm happy I made 3 new friends from this group. :)

2010-11-18T05:54:00.000-08:00

Love.

Its very complicated.
But its nice and simple at the same time.

If you love someone, you just love someone.
But if you love someone, but the someone doesnt reciprocate, you suffer.
You suffer by imagining the What Ifs. What if we were together, What if you like me too, What if you dont, and in some cases, What if you are not with your other half but with me instead?
Is it wrong to like someone who is attached? Is it wrong to love someone not your age? Is it wrong to love someone whose priorities do not include you? Is it wrong to love someone from the past?

But liking someone is so simple, so natural, so uncontrollable. Should we even question anything? If you like someone, whats the point of liking if you cant let him/her know? But if you let him/her know, will things even change? Or worse, will things turn sour?

Why will things turn sour? Feelings are like instincts. You cant blame someone for loving.

Love is a very simple feeling. Its like being angry or being sad or being happy. But love needs a receiver. Someone must be willing to accept your love. That makes things complicated. You cannot control another person. You cant even control your own emotions.

Time. Time is a very important factor. Time gives you space to develop love. Time provides chance. Time lets you heal. Time helps you forget. Time sometimes may also mean missed opportunities.

I'm not confused. I'm just feeling alot for my friends. D:

2010-11-17T20:43:00.000-08:00

OMG. Meeting is wasting my fucking time. Hello people, you guys only have 2 papers to mug for, I have 4. Excuse me, wake up your idea. If you agree to do slides, do the slides at home, dont do it during meeting time.

I said I'm leaving at 3pm, so I will.

2010-11-17T09:10:00.000-08:00

I blog so freaking much. If blogger ever close down, I'm going to sue them from ripping me away from my memories. Hard copies give me a greater sense of security.

I realised I lost alot of laughter in the recent years. Is this a form of growing up? I feel more lost about my identity now than in the past during my puberty years. Now I question myself, am I a quiet person or am I a vibrant one? I used to be sure that I was loud, colourful, crazy, funny. Now, if you ever tell my groupmates that I have a damn loud laughter or if I cannot stop talking or if I can do cheers and scream and shout or if I do the craziest things with my friends they probably think you are referring to the wrong Valerie.

If you tell my school friends that I am a quiet, conservative, passive person, they probably agree with you. I know, its sad. But what to do, no matter how hard I try, I cant seem to get out of my shell in school. I used to be someone who everyone wants to befriend cause I'm approachable. Now, I'm far from being that, it takes long for someone to really get close to me. As such, the people I'm close with are still people from my past. I've not moved on. Do I have to?

Which is the real me? The shell I created ever since sch started has been following me into my own private space. Is this shell for real? Maybe its me and not just a cover.

Identity crisis. Okay not crisis but like dilemma.

2010-11-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

nataliedee.com.

I laughed like crazy at how pointless this drawing is. Pointless as it is, I laughed and now, I'm blogging about it. Ha. Life can be quite strange.

2010-11-17T06:10:00.000-08:00

Hongkit's lunch.

Jean's breakfast.

My breakfast.

What a day of ultimate mugging. I swear I'm getting old. Sat at the same position from 915am-7pm made my back damn stiff. We only had a 20mins break for lunch. And I took an extra 20mins break trying to watch GG but failed. After a 20mins dinner, we came back to try mugging again. It was damn hardcore. Hongkit still wanted to continue after 930pm but it was just too freezing cold at Starbucks, Jean and I could have frozen to death.

I realised my sense of urgency like during midterms is gone. My sense of holiday and vacation is too high to make me nervous for exams. JIALAT. I keep thinking of Samuel coming home soon, I want to pick Samuel on Thurs night, I want to bake, I want to travel, I want to blah blah blah blah blah. Exams dont pop up at all.

HORRIBLE. I have 4 papers, which is damn alot, no one has more than 4 papers. 4 papers is like max. But the way I've been studying is as if exams is a joke. Just anyhow whack. GOSH, what a horrible mentality.

2010-11-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

I look damn horrendous just a few years back. But this blog post is done to show how much starbucks mean to me every Xmas. :) Its been a few years now since I've raved over Toffee nut Latte. It brings about this warm snuggly feeling of being with your loved ones during Xmas.

Just that this year, thanks to social media, it seems like the Xmas drinks are becoming the talk to the town. Its kinda sad cause I cant say its my special drink anymore. Kids are drinking Starbucks too. D:

2010-11-16T06:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I still miss my brown hair. Someone should invent some shampoo, such that after washing your hair, you get a new hair dye. And after washing it off say thrice, your hair goes back to original colour. It would be a brilliant invention.

And I shall paint my nails brilliant red (when I have the time).

2010-11-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

2010-11-15T04:38:00.001-08:00

I know my boyfriend loves me when he does things out of the norm.

I'm damn slow, I just realised Samuel is coming home next week! HOHOHO! :)))))

(Pardon the excessive blogposts about Samuel.)

2010-11-15T03:46:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to Michael Learns to Rock now, its not by coincidence.

25 minutes is such a painful song. No one is happy. Not the bride, not the groom, not the man himself. D: Its just because of 25 minutes. Not 30 minutes.

I dreamt that I cheated on Samuel last night. HAHAH! I do not have any intentions to do so ah. Its merely a dream. But in the dream, it was filled with pain, sorrow, then sweet sweet love.

I dreamt that I was with another guy who went for Wallaby too. HAHAH! Of all people, I chose someone who is in Australia with Samuel too. So I went to the airport to pick my new boyfriend when he came back from Australia, I wasnt really happy when I saw my new boyfriend, I was just like oh okay, welcome home.

Then I saw Samuel. He was alone with his big bag and all. He saw me looking at him, but he turned his back on me. He looked super sad. I felt so painful seeing him like that.

I stopped holding my new boyfriend's hand and went to talk to Samuel. Samuel looked at me, and I asked him how he was. He just looked at me. Then he said he didnt want me to leave but I left him. And he looked at me with his sad sad face.

He knows this, everytime he looks at me with his poor thing face, I confirm nua. He knew about this even before the wedding video about how different horoscope affects how the wedding proposal should be done. I'm cancerian and in the video, the guy looked at her with his poor thing face, and she agreed to the marriage.

And I knew I wasnt over him, so I hugged him and my new boyfriend left. HAHAHHAH! End of story. So lame but when it was in the dream, it was so real.

I love Samuel very much. :)

Baby, you should paint my love. Its the picture of a thousand sunsets.

2010-11-14T03:19:00.000-08:00

6 days with zero contact with Samuel. Terrible terrible.

I miss Samuel very much in such a cold weather like today. The last few times, I have been ending our phonecalls with "Come back soon k" and he will reply "Ok." Sucks, come back soon my ass. I have to survive this whole exams stress by myself.

(Buddy, I'm really a wimp. I cant not emo every other day. I have to emo.)

I know, there are many singles out there who survive everything alone. But my brain and heart have been adapted into this relationship dependency mode already. Serious drawback of being in a relationship, your mind body soul dont function by themselves.

2010-11-14T03:11:00.000-08:00

Easiest and fastest way to make me turned off:

Act cute.

I hate it when people act cute. Maybe cause I take life too seriously, or maybe cause I have low tolerance for disgusting behaviour.

Act cute is usually mimicking high pitched voices/ mimicking accents for no reasons. And often, these voices are accompanied by act cute hand gestures.

If its in a casual fun light hearted setting, by all means. But still, have some limits.

If its in a group meeting, seriously, be serious.

2010-11-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

Cui photo to end my 2nd Saturday without Samuel.

Went to Timbre with Kunloong to 'celebrate his bday'. HAHAH! I'm such a bad buddy seriously. I only got him a card for his bday and he even paid for the bill. CUI LA, some kind of celebration.

But it was nice just chilling and doing nothing much in today's cool breezy night. Talked about emo stuff, talked about love, talked about I dont know what.

And when the song 'Lucky' was sang by the live duet, I didnt emo too much, which was goooooood. I was emo-happy. I think its the topic about what actions make me know that my boyfriend loves me. I was thinking about all the little nice sweet things Samuel has ever did for me. Not to be cheesy but I felt 'Lucky', for real.

Thanks buddy for the long chat and the food. HA. Felt more like a celebration of my end of sem.

And Dear, I love you soooo much. :) He will be off to outfield for the next 6 days. Good luck to him and good luck to me manz. Once I'm done mugging, he will be back. So I must start mugging!!!

2010-11-13T10:03:00.000-08:00

Ha, yes I met Jean my horrible friend again, for 2-3 hrs of mugging. Jean so nice cause she knew I had some spare time between by 1st outing and my 2nd outing so she decided to come out and mug with me. And thanks to this mugging session, I felt better slacking after that. :p At least I'm starting to mug a little. Starting is always tough. Hopefully I will continue mugging.

Sigh, so much to mug too little time. Still need to go to school for Advertising meeting tomorrow.

2010-11-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LU! :) Time flies. Last bday, we brought her for her ear piercing and this year's bday alot quieter. Brought Lu to have her fav soup spoon and also shopping. Damn shiok can, she could pick anything she want (as long as it is within budget). Ha. It was a pity that Aud had to leave earlier and that it was all our busy periods, so at the back of our minds was work work work and more work. Sianz.

2010-11-12T06:20:00.000-08:00

Super ugly but what the heck. This is my horrible friend Jean, she stones while I do work. How encouraging.

2010-11-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

Check out this CHIO BU. Omg mannz. Christmas present maybe? Its sooo chio I want to kiss it. :) But the advertising people should take note that by using this model here, the association that it is an ah lianz product is too strong. Yes, ah lianz and ah bengs will love it, but the other side of the market is turned off. Heng the camera is so pretty or else I will just be dissing the packaging and ignoring the product.

If I have this, when I go out, which camera am I supposed to bring out?

Getting back my BP paper later. Alot of pressure. Please God, let me do well.

2010-11-10T07:05:00.001-08:00

I'm a person who needs social support. I get most of my support from my loyal supporter Samuel. But now, hes not around.

I got back my CB 2nd quiz and its damn CB. I could have gotten above mean, but I didnt. Not because I am lousy at it but its cause I didnt know a 4mark qn exist on the 2nd page. I've fucking no idea why I had no idea it was there. It never happened to me before cause I willl usually check that I do every single qn. FUCK CCB. My paper was possessed. Now, I'm below mean. Good job, Val.

I got back my Ethics paper. I got a B. You know what a B means in SMU? Mediocre. And nice, that fits me perfectly, thats what I've always been in SMU. Thanks SMU. You are sucking out my confidence chunk by chunk and you seem really happy doing it. If I can personify SMU, it will be a rapist/murderer or something like that. ASSHOLE.

I was fucking depressed. No kidding. I've been filled to the brim of tears but I didnt let it out la. Boy, I have so much more work to do to pull up my grades. My straight A dream has become a straight B dream. Awesome. Should have aimed straight A++. Trust me, I mug like crazy this sem. Tried my very best, wanting to prove to myself that SMU is not that horrid, I can overcome everything and do well. Then I will love school more. FUCK. I'm forced to hate SMU more and more. I'm mediocre. Okay enough SMU, I get it. I'm dumb and I dont belong in your territory.

Thank you Sab, Yan An and KL for being there for me. You guys really lift my spirits up ALOT. Sometimes I really dont know who I can count on, and today is one of the days when I feel very supported by them. Jean is an asshole who didnt reply my calls or sms. I'm disappointed. D: I'm going to tell Yiling how horrid you are.

Samuel is supporting me from afar too. Thanks Dear. I love you very much. :)

2010-11-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

Dont get me wrong. I'm not emo all day all night. When I blog, I sound sad all the time but the fact is I was sad at that moment only. Its impossible for me to be sad all the time, really.

That aside, I'm a very happy girl today. Did what I had to do, met Jean, met KL and best of all, Samuel fbed me again! No on top of that, I managed to hear 30 secs of his voice. HAHAH! I know la, I'm a freak. HAHHA! :)

I cant wait for week 13 to end. BYEBYE lessons, hello 1 whole week of hard core productive mugging to welcome Dear back.

My boyfriend may look like a quiet boy, but quiet boys can actually very very sweet. :) I love how sincere he is.

2010-11-08T08:57:00.001-08:00

I think no one can truely understand what I am going through. Not saying my situation is the worst in the whole wide world, nor am I comparing to any friends who have their halves overseas and are copying well. I know my life is not stagnant at this point and I should not treat this as the end of the world. But neither am I going to deny that I am sad and bitter about this whole thing.

There wasnt a choice. Samuel had to go to Wallaby. Neither of us wanted this.
In all 6years of our relationship, this is really the longest we've been apart and this is the longest hiatus from phonecalls. And no, we cannot skype whatsoever. My dad was so funny, he was like "did Samuel bring his laptop to Australia?" I wish. My dad isnt local so he never serve NS before. HA.
Its my shiongest period of my sem and hes away. People say I can concentrate better, but no, its not true. Sab will know this. It makes me just even more stressed out and unmotivated. Would be better if he was away in the holidays, I will have back to back shopping sprees and fun.
I'm enjoying this period of our relationship the most. After so many quarrels throughout our relationship, this period of time is the best. We've not quarrelled for a very long time, I like who we were. And Wallaby is screwing it up. FUCK YOU WALLABY.

I know I will be okay and will resign to it soon. I will soon be normal and frisky like some lamb everyday again. Soon I will stop counting down so desperately, wake up more happily, stop associating everything I do with him. Oh and it sucks cause being in a relationship for 6 years, yes, everything has some form of memory with him in it. Even when my back aches, I think of him cause only he will do the most painful massages and leave me feeling damn at ease after which. I will soon stop checking my phone like crazy. I will soon stop having this suffocated feeling. I will soon stop having tears right at the tip of my eyes. I will soon stop acting I'm okay. I know I will be alright, soon.

But why isnt 'soon' here yet?

2010-11-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

Only the good food. :) Sab and I spam at Pariss buffet just now. Only sashimi, oysters, seafood. HAHAHH! Damn awesome. I feel like KING. And we found this super awesome shop at citylink, I'm so going to head back to get pretty dresses there. Heh.

Thanks Sab for taking time out for me, I know its a very tiring day for you but you still never pangseh me. LOVES. You put the glow back in me.

2010-11-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

Emo waves just hit at random.
I guess thats love, wanting to be part of what your other half is going through. Its cold there but I dont even feel the breeze here. And that sucks.

I'm glad I have friends who are really sweet to me, who will take time out just for me. I'm glad to be involved in activities. I'm glad that when I'm at home, not wanting to mug, I can do more camp stuff to occupy my time. I really am.

2010-11-07T03:17:00.000-08:00

Middle Child Syndrome.

Parents will shower more care and attention on the eldest and the youngest, the middle is left to fend for herself. Parents will think eldest and youngest are very hardworking, they should be left alone to do their work, they will even be nicer to them to reward them for being hardworking. Middle child is seen as a slack, without any work to do, and should always help with housework.

In my opinion, the middle child is not a slack. She is just able to manage her time better and doesnt complain as much. The middle child does not hang her problems out in the open cause problems should be solved by oneself. Complaining and whining in front of everybody is pointless.

2010-11-07T02:18:00.000-08:00

I missssss Samuel very much. But I must keep thinking forward. I cant believe he will only be back after my papers. And I've not even started mugging, which means exams are still a distance away. I must mug soon. Once I finish mugging, it means Samuel will be back even sooner.

2010-11-06T23:12:00.001-07:00

What keeps me sane is to know that Samuel is missing me as much as I do. :) LOVE.

2010-11-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

Power
Respect
Love
Like
Needed
Freedom

All man have these 6 in them, but 1 or 2 will be more important to them. So yesterday Sze Ming was telling us which one he thinks we are, and he was spot on. Maybe a little of a self fufilling prophecy cause after he said which I was, my brain tuned me to believe so. But nonetheless, Im believing it alr.

The 2 most impt to me will be Freedom and Like. I'm such a frivalous person.

1. Freedom. I dont like being restricted, dont like to be controlled, dont like to be given instructions.

2. Like. I want people to like me, when I realised someone doesnt like me, I will go back and ponder about it.

Freedom explains why I dont take finance/banking or why I suck at those. I cannot follow formulas or theories or methods of calculation. I just hate following those. And it explains why when my parents ask me for sth, I will always rebel against it. It explains why I dont want an office job and why I keep thinking about what I want to do next time.

Like explains why I feel sad in SMU. I used to be very high on like everywhere I go, but after entering SMU I was strangely isolated. So I become very lonely and I keep reflecting about why are people reacting to me this way. I become very obliging cause I want to gain their liking. I go out with my friends alot cause I want to be updated, I want to be liked. This one Samuel wont understand cause Like is not impt to him.

So knowing that I am high on these two. People who know this can always give me what I want.

Eg. Making use of freedom: Val, lets go explore a new place today! Val, lets eat outside school! Val, lets discuss about the exciting plans you have for your future!

Making use of like: Val, lets meet up to talk like last time! Val, I like your dress! And basically just inviting me to all events.

So thats why I realised why I can click with Ken Li frm my group as well. She doesnt know about me being freedom/like person but just the way she treat me matches what makes me happy. So shes very straightforward and open with me, so we will gossip. Gossip=bonding. She always seem very fascinated with the things I wear, eg my ring, my bag and she even said "Val, I realised you are very stylish." Wah, my head swell like crazy. HAHA! So ya. And coincidentally, what I say/do, matches what is impt to her as well. Wont say what, but thats why we can click.

I'm amazed by this and how Sze Ming can observe people so well. He knows people so well that he can give them what they want so that they will work for him. Entrepreneurs are sick shit manz.

Yesterday's proj meeting and dinner made Sze Ming, Kenli and I happy. It gave us what we wanted so this Saturday spent in school was actually quite fun.

2010-11-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

Dinner with 2 of my groupmates from my advertising group today.

Its rare to spot me eating with SMU friends but I did today and I enjoyed myself alot. So much so that we ate for a very long time. Long enough such that after dinner, I left to eat supper with Yan An. HA.

My brain's a little dead now so I shall blog about the super deep convo I had with my advert friends. Sze Ming is damn good in analysing people and Kenli and I were just amazed throughout. It was scary to know people out there are learning so much about people and their body language that sometimes, they are just giving you what your character wants, not because they are super nice people. Geez. The world is freaky.

Its Sunday so 19 more days and my boyfriend will be back. I'm horribly shagged to even be emo. Samuel was right, I will be very occupied and it is a good thing.

2010-11-06T11:20:00.001-07:00

This is what I woke up at 645am for. I am crazy sometimes. I was really excited when Weiguang emailed me to ask if I wanted to help and we are heading to Animal Resort. Since its the 1st Saturday alone without Samuel, why not? Little did I know today will be the busiest Sat of my whole sem. 2 project meetings after Y Outing and the 2nd meeting was filming an advert. Shiong ttm.

Anyways, the animals at Animal Resort were very cute, especially the rabbits and the ducklings. :))) The ducklings were damn yellow la, like some artificial colouring type. Look like some super cute stuffed toy. I love the horse too. But the horse had a damn big mouth, could swallow my whole arm so I was damn scared to feed it. HAHA. Thinking back, it was quite funny ah. My friends were trying to get me to feed the horse, but I was damn scared, I never knew I was afraid of feeding animals!

I had fun at Y Outing today. Lost touch a little, but I'm glad to be of some help at the outing. ;)

2010-11-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

Reason for temporary happiness and a night long emoness yesterday.

2010-11-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday JEAN!! :) And you thought I was going to just whine to you that Samuel is away today. Damn, my acting is damn good. And your expression when the 3 guys surprised you with the balloons was classic. "OMG WTF *laughs* WTF LA *laughs* OMG *laughs" HAHAH! And of all places, the surprise happened on the escalator with like many many many people.

Lunched at this Korea place at Orchard Central, the food was awesome la! And the prices were okay. Hongkit's recommendation even though hes never been there before. He was just lucky it turned out good.

I think Jean had a good day of fun, surprises and gossips. :) Mission accomplished. I had to reject meetings just for today. Reject meetings = bad impression on grpmates = need to do more catch up work at home = need to meet on other busier days. I'm such a great friend.

I love my sec school friends. They are like little kids with me. We just keep talking shit all day, laugh at each other, and still feel very happy about the whole day. Damn awesome. And they made me feel so happy that even though I didnt forget that Samuel was away, I still felt less burdened and lost by it. :)

To make the day even better, Samuel fb msged me. :))) At least I know that he is just right there. Facebook has a way of making you feel closer to someone.

Tomorrow will be an even better day, even though I will be in sch most of the time. Zzz.

2010-11-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

My happy banana cupcakes with honey cinnamon frosting. LOVE MANZ. Okay the cupcakes look alot cuter and healthier on Tues, by today they look sad and ready to die alr. D: I treat the cupcakes I bake like my babies. Samuel thinks I'm crazy when I kept gushing about how cute they look and when I was teaching him to open and close the oven gently cause it will scare the cupcakes. Its true la! You must be gentle with the oven door or else the cakes wouldnt rise right.

And you see the cupcake tray above, one cup has like oil remains in it after I baked the cupcakes but it looked just like the cupcake peed in the cup while baking. That is the hum ji cupcake, it must have gotten a shock while being baked.

I baked for Jean with Samuel somemore lor. On the last day I can spend with Samuel, we baked for her. JEAN, BE TOUCHED.

2010-11-04T07:03:00.000-07:00

Day 1.

It was painful when I woke up. Its like I dont want to wake up cause I dont want him to go. I was damn awake but I just dont want to get out. But I had to, I had to if I wanted to send him off. It was okay at the airport. My heart ached like crazy.

Lessons were okay. But during BP class, my mind wandered and suddenly emo wave crashed me hard. I nearly just cried thinking about how I have to go through another 2 more thursdays like today without him. Pains me.

Then it was fine, met up with ycc ppl. Had beer, and a lot of laughter and gossips. And when I left, it hit me again. So bad I took a cab home, ignoring the holiday extra charge. Then I thought, fuck the couples in town on this public holiday eve. Shoot them all.

Samuel reached his destination already. Far away from here. D:

Sigh, it will just get better. I miss my boyfriend very much. I dont want to cry.

2010-11-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

I think the 2nd photo of us is super funny. Totally describe us. Samuel with his sheepish look cause he did something idiotic, and me nagging at him to behave. HAHA. The camera managed to capture it so accurately. And the 1st photo of us is when Samuel goes "why must take so many photos?" and he refuses to smile. Zzzz.

Samuel gave me 22 hershey kisses in happy xmas colour yesterday! My prescription is to eat 1 a day before I sleep. I'm excited to start eating them already. :) Chomp all of them down and he will be back!

We ate our favourite salmon sashimi and played lan for 4 hours straight. I guess thats what couples do after dating for 6 years, they play lan. We played starcraft or isit warcraft? Zzz. Just build things and dig for gold and gather lumber. I'm always not patient enough, I will send my men over v early to attempt to kill the enemies, but it always end up like suicide.

I'll be fine. I will survive these 22 days. I guess not everyone can understand how I feel. Some might even think I'm being annoying and weak. But I admit to it. I admit to being vulnerable and wimpy. Its really okay to be that, my boyfriend is being kidnapped by NS leh, of course sad la. But I'll overcome it very soon. Just 22 days and I can dissolve in his arms again. HAHAHH!

2010-11-01T10:04:00.003-07:00

D: I feel like some tidal wave hit me hard.
I dont want things to change.

2010-11-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

First day of November but already in the Christmas mood. I cant be christmasy totally until Samuel comes back though.

I must say hor, we were quite productive at Starbucks. Like super disciplined, got our drinks, sat down, no gossipwhatsoever and we started our work silently. I bet if we meet in the morn and go on and on and on like that, confirm sure do alot of work!

Watched "You Again" at Cathay. Its been a while since I watched a nice chick flick. The show was really funny la, like the cast could all act very well, the small actions they make are damn funny. I really enjoyed the show. And I'm pretty glad I watched it with Sabrina, cause she enjoyed the show too! Samuel and Sab's bf must be happy that we are not forcing them to watch with us instead. Ha.

Tomorrow is Tuesday.

2010-10-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited I'm going to suffocate and not sleep for nights.

A part of me is very excited to spend a day with Samuel on Tues, a part of me doesnt want that day to come. Conflict of interests which brings me to the topic this week for ethics.

And I swear to class part like crazy for the last 2 weeks in the sem.

2010-10-31T06:01:00.000-07:00

A part of me knows that theres talent in me to be surfaced.

But when do people stop what they have on hand, and start afresh? We keep on moving with the flow, finishing things we have to finish but come to think of it, the list of duties will never finish so how do people get the time to finally do the things they wanna do?

I wanna do something. And I want to do it for real.

Why cant I be as brave as my friend, apply for a business grant, start her own online gaming portal and be an entrepreneur? I need to step out, dare to take risks, stop being just another consumer.

2010-10-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

So this saturday, we headed to Universal Studios. I was damn excited like a kid cause I wanted to be blown away into a whole new world like how I felt at Japan's Universal Studios. Themeparks have a way of transporting you away. But I must say, Singapore's Universal Studios is really teenyweenytiny! And thats not because we didnt take many rides, but there were not many rides to begin with!

At the start of the day, there were freaking alot of people, queue like crazy for the rides and even to take photos with the mascots. Spoiler la. But we queued anyway, since we had alot of time. But the thing is the photographers with the mascots kept hurrying us, especially the one with Kungfu Panda. She didnt even count like "1,2,3!" She was just like "okay done, NEXT!" Horrible. So much for transporting us away, it just reminds me of how life is like in mainland. Oh the only super nice photographer was the one at the madagascar one, cause they need to be nice. The photos they take can be purchased at $12. So they were super friendly, going like "1,2,3 Madagascar!" Ha.

But of course, everything is not horrid there. The mascots were in their roles. Gloria the hippo was infactuated with Samuel, kicking me and my sister aside, while Puss in Boots randomly got onto his knee to 'propose' to me. He wasnt even supposed to stop for photo taking but he stopped to entertain us. Awesome.

We took some rides, watched some shows. They were all funnnn! Despite me being hum ji, I still took the rides lor. But the rides were very limited, kids were taking them too. HAHAH! The red and blue roller coaster were not open so not many adultish rides to freak me out. I didnt take the pitchblack mummy ride though. Pitchblack=claustrophobia. Plus I'm hum ji. Samuel had to take it by himself. Hhehe.

Now back to my own world, have to do work, have to go to school on a Sunday for meeting, have to chiong shit, have to come to terms that Samuel is leaving this Thurs.

2010-10-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

IM SO PISSED. MY STUPID TA GRADED ME SO LOW FOR CLASS PART WHEN I CLASS PART ALOT MORE THAN THE OTHER LOSERS IN CLASS. AND THESE LOSERS SCORE HIGHER OR THE SAME AS ME. WTF IS THIS!?

JUSTICE!!! I WANT TO SUE HIM!

2010-10-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Blame the camera.

Fridays with Jean are always nice. PLUS we bought awesome new shoes today. And attempted to shop but apparently we are abit too old to browse through racks. We have nice things in our heads but when we start searching for these things, we just cant find them. Dreads. How nice if I can learn sewing quick. Like stand in a machine, click 'sewing' and the machine zap some rays into my brain then I will know how to sew already.

Toffeenut latte is love. Its Christmas at Starbucks already. And Christmas is a season where people spend more. Its a marketing gimmick and I'm totally falling for it.

2010-10-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

Inspiration for the day. I so need a simple white dress and a canvas bag and new sneakers. I think I need to be rich next time. Screwed. Hobbies dont match ambitions.

2010-10-27T09:29:00.001-07:00

13 more classes and I'm done! No more ponning of ANY classes. :p

2010-10-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I told Samuel that time will pass super fast cause I've got loads to do. So he happily listened and listened and then he said "but you will still be sad".

NOOOOOOOOOO.

2010-10-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Sab! :) Sab and I used to want to explore all the museums together then, and so I thought it would be great to head down to Mint Toy Museum today. It was quite an eyeopener. Its always nice to look at old things like they are new. And I'm amazed at how long some cartoons can exist, so much so as if they become legends. Popeye has been around since 1930s, can our cartoons last a few generations now? Will Ben 10 still be around when I'm dying? Why are our memories and attention spans so short lived nowadays?

In my new house next time, I want to have a collection of metal tins. It always reminds me of warmth, christmas, memories, cookies, happiness, mystery. There are just some schemas attached to these tins which I really love recalling.

Met Kiang to DTF as usual. HAH! And shopped around 313 and Ion. I'm so broke. Why must my good friends have their birthdays in Nov? Its killing me mannz. And Christmas. And holidays.

Then again, why must I be bounded by social norms? Money is just paper with a funky smell.

2010-10-25T04:58:00.001-07:00

SO CUTE. I know I shouldnt upload this till like 2 weeks later but I want Samuel to see it, so ya. :)

2010-10-25T04:31:00.000-07:00

I'm going to GENTING! :D I hope its cold and chilly there. But honestly hor, I've had this phobia when I went there when I was a kid, I cannot understand how can so many buildings be constructed on a mountain. Wouldnt it, erh, collapse?? And isnt there less air up above? If anything happens, is there a hospital there? HAHHA! I know I'm damn paranoid.

I cant wait for DEC! :D It will be my favourite month this year.

2010-10-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

Just before I forget to blog this before Samuel flies off (cause I know he will read this and I want to tell him some things).

Dear, I may be sad that you are leaving, but dont worry I wont die (even though I think I told you I would). I will adapt quickly and try to survive loneliness. Ha. My friends will keep my company and make sure I mug for my exams. I have alot planned these 23 days when you are away.

1. Birthday celebrations (which sometimes come with birthday present shopping)- about 7 days
2. Toy Story camp meetings and preparation- abt 5 days
3. Im sure I will go to NTU once or twice- 2 days
4. Mugging with my SMU friends- 2 days
5. Im sure I will go out and play too- 3days
6. Mugging by myself-6 days
7. Exams- 3 days

Wah see, 20+ days alr. I'll be fine. Time will pass so quickly. When you return, I will be telling you how easy the exams were and how prepared I am for camp. :)

The moment of departure will be tough, but I guess I will adapt to it quick. 23 days only. I can do it. But it sucks cause we've never been apart for so long. Sigh. Okay no, I mean ya, I cant wait for you to come back again!

2010-10-24T07:18:00.001-07:00

WHY!! I booked the hotel for our Genting trip, then tried booking the bus ride there but then, the website always fail to load when I confirm payment for the bus ride. SO WHAT NOW? I think the payment went through already cause I confirmed my payment, but I've not received any confirmation email. The bus seats on the website shows that its unavailable already. means my booking went through? D: I'm damn frustrated, flustered and every f word.

I can only call them up tomorrow morning. How am I going to fall asleep tonight? D:

I am determined to bug them like crazy until they give me my money/ tickets back. Hate this suspense. HATE IT. I need a confirmation. I'm going crazy myself. MY MONEY. Somemore the accomodation has been confirmed already. One confirmed, one not confirmed. Makes things worse. Seriously man, why must murphy's law work now? D:

2010-10-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

Love it when we go to new exciting places. :) Even though its totally out of the way, we still braved the haze and went all the way to Bukit Panjang. Its like 26 bus stops away from Newton, in a strange foreign place. Plus the haze, the place looks almost magical. :D

(Samuel and my dad rather say the haze makes the place look like Genting, but I think it makes the place more mysterious and more twilightish.)

I was afraid Samuel will be bored when I look at old stuff but in the end he was trapped at the books area for super long, and he even bought 2 books which were the only buys from our trip. Heh. I almost bought this antique round shades, and this camera. And now Audrey is making me regret not buying the stargirl book. But I must say for vintagey stuff, the Salvation army near potong pasir is more exciting. But for random stuff like gym equipment, paintings, toys, Praisehaven wins.

Insert Consumer Behaviour Knowledge: Its strange how reference price works its magic and to Salvation army's downfall. Like the camera is $4. But as I compare this $4 to the $1.60 that Samuel is going to pay for TWO books, I feel like I'm wasting money. But come to think of it, this $4 spent can bring me the same amount of entertainment that the 2 books can bring to Samuel. I dont even like his 2 books. HAH!

Okay Quiz on Wed. Time to mug. And I'm sooo looking forward to the Dec holidays of overseas trips!

2010-10-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since we talked so deep. I guess our friendship is exclusive in a way. We know that we can count on each other and we are in the top 3 in each other's friends list. And we kinda remember each other's hp numbers. Like at least 4 numbers correct. HAHAH! Effort. And Jean touches me back. HAHAHAHH! Jean, I know you love my knee.

Man made relationships and friendships complicated. 12 friends are said to be enough to make someone feel happy. Too few and too many friends makes us depressed too. I think I'm in the safe zone now. I have about 12 friends whom I can count on and will support me as well. But is 12 friends ever enough for me? How close do I want to be with these 12 friends? What made them listed as my top 12?

Today, I've learnt that consumerism is very man made. Whoever said red dresses and white dresses mean different things?

I feel inspired looking at bridal magazines today. I will start spending my money more wisely and do more research. I have technology now and I should make use of it more effectively. I must start knowing popular designers, venues, etc. If I want something, I need to work for it.

2010-10-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

The ulcer in my mouth is not going away. It wants to stay for good. I hate it when I have difficulties talking thanks to the ulcer. I hate it when I cant talk, and when I dont talk, I become sad cause I cant communicate to anyone, makes me slow and alone. D: My ulcer makes my lips super dry which makes my confidence super low which makes me not wanna talk too. D: I'm a wreck la.

I dont like people who bitch about XX when XX is right in front of you. Best of all, its for no reason at all. You are actually far from perfect. And you are fat, incapable and not special at all. Stop being a critic when you are just a fellow human being.

I dont like people who reads my blog, then talk to me about things in my blog, pretending they know me super well. Knowing things from my blog doesnt make you my best friend. Its like they will purposely talk about something which I blog about recently, trying to dig more stuff out. Its not because they know me so well to know how I feel from my behaviour.

Okay enough of post teenage angst, I went for a Career as a Wedding Planner talk today. And I feel like its really what I want. I know I've alot of things I wanna do but I really think I've got something to offer in this field. The talk gave me hope in my depressed mode.

Samuel waited for my talk to end and the joy of seeing my boyfriend wait outside my school is just damn good. :) Finally I could pour everything out. Finally I was smiling ignoring my ulcer. Finally I was joking. Finally I was being myself again. I love Samuel and I love myself when I'm with him.

But sigh, in my down and depressed days, besides Samuel, I dont know who will be there to pick me up. Who will be patient enough to wait for me? Who will be willing enough to stop and listen to me? Who will be loving enough to give me love to push me on? As friends, they dont have the obligation to be with me all the time, so its tough and I dont blame anyone. I guess thats the point of being in a relationship, someone is always there for you.

I'm in a mess and I have to get out of it. Quick.

2010-10-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I shouted so much that I feel so so goood. ;) Volunteering at APSN is always a joy.

Now, I'm feeling crazily stressed.

2010-10-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Alone time with iced cafe mocha. I'm really thankful to have sufficient allowance to enjoy such life pleasures. Really. I did take some time out to read my CB notes. Sitting at a cafe like that really brings me alot of thoughts, alot of ideas, alot of reflections. Its good. But sometimes too much makes me feel very drained. I can not do alot of work, but still feel v tired cause my brain ran too fast.

2010-10-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

:) Raindrops cafe has super nice mushroom pasta. The sauce is exceptionally sweet and the mushrooms are big and fat. And pasta was also cooked till its nice and soft. WHOOO. I'm craving for it now. We had some fish prawn mango papaya salad and poached pear with icecream too. All the happy food. Then we had a free $5 voucher from scape and we ate shaven mango ice. Damn shioks la.

2010-10-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

SUAY TTM.
1. I've got a giant ulcer on my lip. So I cannot close my mouth properly, making my lips even drier than usual.
2. My flat has someone suspected for dengue and within 2 days, I got biten 9 times on my right leg when I was home.

To reverse the suayness.
1. I'm going to dress up and head out.
2. I'm going to go to a nice place to complete my work on hand.
3. I'm applying salt on my ulcer. (PAIN LIKE FUCK I TELL YOU!)

There is sth wrong this sem, my mood fluctuates like crazy.

2010-10-17T02:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to deny but I'm such a baby, really. I whine alot, complain alot. Its true that I dont behave in this way in front of other people but Samuel. I feel horrible. Its like my pillar is going to leave and I will just crumble and die. D: I dont understand why is this tougher than Brunei and Thailand? WHYYYYYY!

Do I want time to pass faster? NO, I'm not ready for my exams. Do I want time to pass slower? NO, I want Samuel to come back quick.

But come to think of it, I cant control time. Why do I need so much sense of control, even over things that I cant.

2010-10-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

Facil training and dry run for Toy Story Camp yesterday. Omg manz, its super tiring. HAHH! I was physically drained when I reached home. I swear I've never walk such a long distance before. Okay but amazingly, I didnt wake up with any muscle aches today. Must be Samuel's super pain massage.

Its amazing to see how young adults start acting like kids again. Really. Like they truely forget themselves and just play. I know it was tough for them yesterday. It was hot, tiring and they still have to learn how to facilitate along the way. Being a facil is really not easy. Ha. Oh and being CC is not easy too. Really.

Its amazing seeing people opening up gradually. It was really obvious yesterday. Some started out quiet, then at the end of the day, they really start sharing about how they feel, playing without a care, mingling with new people.

They are all willing people. Its only how to convert this willingness into action.

Its not easy being a leader. You have to put down all doubts. You have to trust everyone. I have to trust myself.

My time management skills is deproving. Or maybe its just because I have an extra mod this sem so I cant seem to balance as well as when I did Apr and Sep YCC. Or maybe its cause I dont have an ACC now. Usually I'm the relationship-building and a little operational one, while my ACC is the administrative and also operational one. So theres like a balance. Now I'm in a supermultirole position. Its not the amount of work, its just the complexity of the role.

But you know what, I will just whack. Just keep pressing on and at the end of the day, I'm sure everything wil turn out well! :)

2010-10-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

We always need some mediocre people to fill up the gap. There will always be the elites, the middleclass and the rest. Not all of us can be elites, so are we going to mourn about it? NO. I'm going to try to love myself like that.

Its hard. Cause academics were never an issue in my life. Okay I did struggle in sec school, but my mind just opened and understood everything before Olevels, so I did well for Os. I did great for As. Now, I cant say I'm doing well. I'm really average or maybe below average in school. And I'm not even like damn enthu in non-acad stuff. I'm not even achieving awards or anything outside.

I swear I studied like a cow this midterms. But when I got back my papers, nowhere close to A+. Not even B+. I know, misery. I guess thats a part of me who wants to sulk and pity myself. But the other part of me just wants to hold on, push on, if I can do well, I will; if I cant, I will love myself too.

I would love to be an active agent and go with free will, against norms in society. But this social structure is trapping me up in this cycle. Society expects us to do well, so we force ourselves to do better each time, and in the end that makes society expect more. The cycle doesnt end.

I'm sure I'm good at something out there. I'm sure I have a strong passion for something. I'm just a little slow in discovering it.

At the end of the day, as long as I die a happy person, thats all that counts. I'm typing like weirdly cause I'm suffering from a serious lack of sleep. ZZ.

2010-10-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

We watched NC 16, M18, it is time we move to R21! HAHAHH!

Piranha, I know, such a lame choice of R21 movie. So my conclusion after the show, R21 movies are just about unnecessary scenes of naked women and gore. Zero plot. And I was shocked to see 'Vanessa' from gossip girl in the movie.

Theres seriously quite alot of boobies scene where women were showing off their boobs, and this pair of women touching each other. Its like wth lor. Totally unnecessary, just there to turn the guys on for no reason. Their boobs really damn big though.

And gore. OMG man. To me its damn gross. TOO MUCH! So much blood, so many dead half eaten bodies, so many death scenes like tearing a body apart, or like the hair stuck in the boat's motor, or a cable slicing the body into half, or fishes chomping down bodies. SOOOO MUCH flesh and blood that I really felt like puking after the show.

I dont think I will watch another R21 show soon. I bet Samuel enjoyed it more. Geez.